Arent they handsome guys??

These are the infamous Newfies. Angus is standing on the wall and Crusoe is on the ground.The only way to tell them apart is that Crusoe has a small white patch on his chest. If theyre laying down, you cant tell them apart.


Hope this picture captures their size...they each weigh about 140 pounds.

And...if they dont want to do something....it aint gonna get done. You cannot make a Newfie *do* anything. LOL

I have spent the night with them since Christmas night. Tonight is my last night with them..but, theyre one of my weekly clients and I clean their house so I'll be seeing them again.

They are huge sweet lovable blobs of fur and slobber...and other than the 2 nights when they didnt want to go to bed...and the other night when they decided at 3:30 am to start barking and not go back to sleep...well..its been a great time.

From the dogs...

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more animals

Hope this one is centered better :( Any idea how to get it so it doesnt cut part of the picture off?

Merry Christmas everyone! : )

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Bits and pieces

Feeling much better today. Did some yoga last night...MUCH needed. Good lord..WHY dont I do that every day?? I always feel so much better! Grrr!

Yesterday morning was well..stressful. I had to spend almost $750 on the car that I paid $800 to buy...the 2 front CV axle joint thingys had been busted for a couple months...and Id started hearing some new noises Friday, so had transferred my security blanket of money in savings to my checking to pay for whatever was needed. I took it to my local mechanic...and well, it wasnt the CV joints that were making the noises, it was my brakes...the rotors had gone bad, I recalled theyd told me theyd need to be replaced in the next 6 months..about 6 months ago...so, it was time. I had the money...and even though it was soooo stressful to be spending so much money to get everything fixed...I was also being stressed by worrying when the CV joints were gonna go (the tire guy had pointed them out a couple months ago, so it was just waiting to happen)...so I said, fix it all..and change the oil, its overdue.


So, after being stressed and crying and feeling like I was gonna lose it all and never be able to do the things I wanted cause I just couldnt hang on to money..and didnt seem to ever be able to do anything BIG that I dreamed about and...*breathing* and...how was I ever gonna get to Italy like this...

I realized that I needed to stop the snowball.

So I did...allowed myself to feel the stress and anxiety..but..I countered it with examples of when Id felt the same way...and it worked out..extra money came in..or something happened to ease the pressure.

And, I got home from my evening appointments...ate some cereal...and plopped down in the livingroom and did my evening stress relief yoga DVD. And was amazed at how just a 20 minute not very hard yoga DVD could make me feel wonderful and relaxed.

I read an article in the latest Yoga Journal- Decembers issue is about anxiety and stress- BTW- about how when we are in a constant state of stress, our fight or flight nervous system runs on overdrive.Which makes it even harder for us to relax. Little things, like loud noises, or even sudden movements, can trigger a HUGE stress response- cortisol and adrenaline release...not good for our bodies. Because the fight or flight thing is running in overdrive. To counter it...we need some yoga with exertion...like Warrior poses, and forward bends and twists. These poses activate your fight or flight too, but, in a gentle more cnstructive way. When you add the deep breathing and a bit of meditation to your yoga...you activate the calming nervous system. All this leads to you being able to fully and more deeply relax.

It does take a while to learn to be still. I still struggle. And, I can usually relax deeper in class than I can at home..which Ive heard is common..maybe because we set aside that time in the studio more fully..as in there are no distractions..TV, cell phone, family...it is more truly *our* time.

Today...I was looking at my schedule for the next week..and yeah, its busy...but not too bad.

And...then I looked at the total Im earning for the month with each company.

Im earning basically 2 months pay. In one month.

I will have my security blanket back..and then some.


I teared up..feeling sooo grateful...and looked up...said "Thank you, Universe...I will try not to worry." Then I laughed,as I felt a "Yeah right- we know better" come back...but not in a cynical bad way...in an affectionate friendly way. I teared up again, and laughed again..and said " Ok, we know that aint gonna happen...I will try to not worry so *much*- hows that sound?"

The Universe was okay with that. :)

And so am I.

And I just got a call from another person about cleaning her house every 3 weeks.

Its good to feel good again! :)

This is so cute!

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Rantings of a sexually frustrated woman

I wanted/ needed/ expected a remake of Caligula.

What I got was a cross between a slightly boring play party and a high school dance with the boys on one side and the girls on the other...only the boys were now middle aged men who couldnt even bother to put on a friggin dress shirt (and some who didnt seem to comb their hair or shave too- hello- dont you people have a dress code?? Supposedly?? And to those men...please...if Im gonna get all sexed up in my hot red dress and silver sandals..the least you could do is put on a dress shirt. No, it neednt be black, as a matter of fact, itd be even better if it wasnt. A little extra effort, please!

*sighs*

I should have known better that buying condoms and looking all hot and feeling all hot and sexy...was no guarantee that sex would happen. Even if it was implied in the theme of the evening...an " Anything Goes" play party where penetration was allowed. In a private dungeon.

Perhaps I *should* have done the naked blindfolded "touch me" thing I was fantasizing about. Maybe that would have gotten things started.

But, I lacked 2 things to make it happen. Courage...and that sexual bodyguard to watch over things, to make sure everyone used a condom and that my limits were respected. I would have let them be known..yes, but just wanted someone to "have my back" so to speak, in case things got out of hand or I was somehow made unable to fight back.

The fact that I came there looking for sex...does that make me any different than the trolls that used to come to FLOG looking to get laid? I apologize if it does. I am not a troll. I am just a woman who has redicovered her sexual power...and who bought the hottest most sexy dress shes ever owned in her life...and who hoped to enjoy a night filled with sexual fantasies coming true...only to leave early because she was bored and not feeling very damn sexy after walking around for 2 hours..and the only man who spoke to her spit in her face while he was talking- not on purpose...but damn..it grossed me out!

*sighs* Maybe it just wasnt my time. I dont know.

I dont hold the hosts responsible...it was a good party and a great idea. I hope to return next month...a little wiser..with perhaps a different view.

Now I understand, Grandma

Back in 1998, my niece who was...15 at the time, and I drove up to NY State to visit our relatives up there. We had fun on the way and most of the time there.

We stayed for 10 days...and stayed with my...80 something year old grandma, my moms mother. She was the ultimate grandmother, as far as cooking and baking and wisdom and such. My other grandma gave wisdom and money.

One day my niece and grandma had words while out in grandmas garden...I don't recall what it was about..but seem to remember it was that grandma had asked Shannon to do something that "all the other cousins did when they were growing up" and well, my niece being herself..didnt want to do it and told her so..and grandma couldnt handle a child telling her no. So, feelings were hurt, and well..I guess in hindsight we should have left that day..but we stayed another 2 days I believe. We had plans to go up to the Thousand Islands the next day and I didnt want to miss that.Yeah, in hindsight, not the best plan.

Anyways, we left on Sunday..after church, because again, I had something I didnt want to miss...church where my second grade teacher was, who still remembers me and always asks about me. We were getting ready to go, and I noticed grandma wasnt getting ready. I asked her if she was going to church with us. She said something to the effect of "Youre not leaving YET?" I decided to drive to church and leave right after. My aunt came over and talked with grandma, and then me..and explained that grandma was old (duh) and was feeling stressed and tired from our visit. We had a good talk, my aunt and I...I was still upset with grandma about the fight with my niece, so didnt talk to her (wish I had now) and well, I got my feelings hurt when she said "Youre not leaving YET?"

Well, tonight...my kitchen shrunk and when there were 4 of us trying to get supper on the table and what I did they undid or changed...I had to excuse myself and go upstairs and do some deep breathing. Or someone was gonna get hurt. LOL

Since Tuesday, I have been home pretty much all day, with an hour or 2 here and there of being gone. Roomies parents have been here with him after his surgery.There are very VERY sweet people...but they are people. 2 more people and a hyper dog who doesnt know manners than are usually in my house.Theyve been here since 2 weeks ago Saturday, but with his surgery, and I spent some time at the hospital with him and being gone doing pet sitting..I hadnt been around them much till Tuesday.

So, apparently, 3 days of 24/7 is all I can handle.

I started to think on this..and got depressed, thinking Im gonna end up a crazy cat lady because I cant stand to be around people for more than 3 days, and so well, I cant possibly ever stand to have a husband or a live-in lover with that attitude, so Im doomed to a life of loneliness because of my intolerance.

Yes, that is what my thoughts snowballed into.

But, after awhile, the rational side of my brain (thank goodness its there and is learning to speak up, or Im learning to listen to it) spoke up and said "Um, no, that is not right."

What has happened is, I havent done yoga, napped, or much to have down time or alone time. Either I was too busy to, or wanted to be with them. Yes, I wanted to spend time with them yesterday and tonight Im ready to drive them across the state line to get them out of my house. LOL

So..I am not doomed to a life of solitary confinement. I simply need to take better care of me, and allow for, and request some alone time, some down time...time for just *me*


Now I see where Grandma was coming from. I glanced up and whispered "Now I understand" awhile ago.

:)

Catching up on gratitude...

Fell behind in my thank you posts..so Im gonna try to recall.

Calls from my niece that make me laugh as Im driving to yet another pet sitting appointment

Dogs that know youve had a bad day so they hang closer to you and let you pet them as they lick your hand. Thank you Sweetpea, Bailey and Mally.

Purr therapy sessions with bonus massages on that same bad day. Thank you,Nub. :)

Understanding dog owners.

Feeling tired but realizing I *can* do it.

Doing the right thing even though I thought for sure Id be fired for it.(the dogfight-and calling my boss and the owner about it right away)

My former nurse spidey senses working.(knowing roomie was worsening and assessing the dogs and my own hand)

Betadine, Hydrogen peroxide and Neosporin

Tension Tamer Tea from Celestial Seasonings

Competent and compassionate hospital staff

The "E" Hospital

Valet parking at the E hospital...which isnt that more expensive ($2 diff) and beats the hassle of parking in the garage and that long ass walk

yellow cake with chocolate frosting

Friends

Kinky Politics

*ahem*

I just voted for Buncum in the run-off election.

Back to your regularly scheduled programming.

:)

Dogfight...dogbite

Dogs love their friends and bite their enemies, quite unlike people, who are incapable of pure love and always have to mix love and hate. - Sigmund Freud


Well...now that Ive had a couple days to think about it...I am realizing how damn lucky I am to not have gotten hurt more than I did.

I had to break up a dog fight Sunday morning.Why did it happen? Because I let 2 dogs whose owner said they were to be kept seperate because "once every 9 months or so" they fight...like have to go to vet and get stitches fight. And I had gotten lax (and let myself get run down so I wasnt fully paying attention) because the dogs had gotten along so well and were sooo sweet. Well, as the song says "We Wont Get Fooled Again"

It was the most horrifying moment of my life.This was not snapping to say "Get away" this was furiously fighting to the death. It was a border collie and a small German Shepherd. Both females. I still am not sure *how* I got them apart.

But somewhere in the tangle of fur and fury, my left hand(thank goodness it wasnt my right, nor was it worse) got in between one dogs neck and the others mouth.

I have one kinda deep but small puncture wound and a couple little bites where just the skin was broken.It is mnostly sore, from the dogs jaws clamping down on it.

No..I havent seen a doctor. I am up on my tetanus, and the dogs are up on their shots...Ive been soaking it and bandaging it and soaking it more and watching it closely for ANY signs of infection. It was pretty sore the 1st 2 days, I do have full range of motion, its just sore. No numbness or loss of dexterity. Im a former nurse so know what to look for as far as infection and nerve damage.

Today it is not so sore, and I have been kind of moving my hand around, to keep it from getting stiff.

Now if I could only make the panic attacks where I see the dogs turning on me as I try to break them apart go away. Which I am damn lucky didnt happen...but am trying not to think about.

Theyre only fleeting images though, and I only panic for a few seconds and it subsides.

I called a dog trainer my boss knows today and left him a voicemail asking if he had any tips or would be available to talk to me about this.

Send good thoughts please...

We had to send roomie to ER this morning about 4. He has a possible ileus...which is basically that because of anesthesia, narcotics and lack of activity his intestines have slowed down so much he isnt passing gas or anything else. They have an NG tube down his nose into his stomach and hooked up to gentle suction to relieve the gas and pressure. Theyre going to be admitting him...this time hes in the *good* big prestigious university hospital not just their crappy (IMHO) affiliate. Begins with an E. ;)

He had seemed to be doing ok last evening...though he was feeling bloated. He had 2 enemas last night..no relief nor results...and wasnt passing gas. My former nurse spidey senses were saying SEND HIM TO THE ER. Well..we did the rational thing first- since my spidey sense sometimes get clouded by anxiety and we called his surgeon..who happened to be on call. He called back at 2:30 am...and recommended another enema "in the morning" and some Mag Citrate. Um..no..my gut told me this wasnt a good recommendation and neither roomie nor I were comfortable following it. So, I talked to the E Hospital ER charge nurse..and he recommended we bring him in right away. I mean, just how long do you wait to see if it is an obstruction? Till his bowel perforates?? Thank you, Mr Surgeon.grrr

So his brother and his mom got him in the car and took him in about 4 am.

Send him some good thoughts please.

Tired Thanks

8 cats fed watered and litterboxes cleaned...9 dogs walked and or let outside for a bit...watered and fed and belly rubs and back scratches given and purr therapy received...and I am one tired puppy.Not all those animals were individual appointments...though I did have 14 different appointments today. No wonder Im tired...lol.

But thankful that roomie is home from the hospital. Doing well so far.

Thankful for...Egg McMuffins

Figuring out how to work out my schedule above and clean a house for 2 hours...and drive everywhere without wasting gas or time...or at least not too much of either.

Turkey sandwiches...yummmm

Fuzzy blankies

Orange juice

Catching the traffic on Ashford Dunwoody Rd at just the right moment twice today. Its one of those roads where at certain times of the day, it is impossible to turn left on. It was empty twice today for me...:)

Sleep...which I am about to get me some of...right about now.

G'nite!

Quick thanks

Tears

Naps

Talking things out...rationally.

A pitbull named Snoop who turned out to be a very nice and well behaved dog.

Ginger Tea

Beautiful sunsets

Seeing my first deer in Georgia (I didnt think there were any here...lol)

Fighting Chihuahuas that make me laugh (sweetpea and roomies parents' dog play fight all the time- it is so funny to watch)

German Shepherds with cock-eyed ears.

Online friends who come on to chat just when you need to vent a whole bunch of stuff. And who understand anxiety. :) Thank you ever so much ,flutter...hugggsss

Wacky Wednesday

Phew..I made it. good lord, I think I drove all over ATL today.

This morning..I powered through 4 visits...3 of which were cats so theyre easy...food,water,litterbox...purr therapy for me...:)

Then I went to the hospital to see the roomie who has had spinal surgery- 3 decompressed vertebra and one fusion.Remember that nasty rant? Well..it was me being overwhelmed and bitchy. Very bitchy. Like ultimately selfish bitchy. I am so sorry for even thinking those thoughts.

Roomie told me when I came in "Youre not allowed to bring your bad morning in here" I was smiling..and said, Um, Im actually having a good morning...why?" And he proceeded to tell me. Im not going to go into detail...but lets just say...I expected more from a hospital that bears the name of one of the most prestigious universities and medical schools in the country if not the world.

I was witness to some of the incompetency...and was horrified to think that these people care for patients whove just had SPINAL surgery!!! OK..what prompted that comment was the PTs...and the brace guy who had told roomie yesterday that none of his nurses or PTs needed to be there to watch them put on his brace, as it was "really easy and no big deal"(I didnt witness that, thank god) today...there were 3 PT's who came in to help him into his brace and get up to the bathroom.OK..first incompetency...he said he wasnt strong enough to push himself up with one arm (he has JRA)from the bed. Oh, wait, no there was the slight twisting he did which they just brushed off, but I and he were VERY concerned about.Um..it says right on the board in the room...NO TWISTING. Helll-oooo! OK...the PT sounded like she was kind of arguing with him about his ability to push himself up. In my opinion...since his surgery was only Monday...the PT's should ahve been helping him more. But, I guess that really is what tehy do, encourage people to do for themselves.These girls just didnt go about it right. OK..so he got into a sitting postion, they helped him a little bit. Then came the brace. OT said shed never seen that type of brace but "between the 3 of us we can figure it out" OK..having been a nurse for 16 years, I do understand that sometimes ya gotta wing it. And yes, having 3 people trying to figure it out is better than just 1. OK..so, they get the brace on teh way they think its supposed to go. Roomie keeps telling them it doesnt feel right.They say, "well, youre just not used to it yet", and "when the brace guy comes here he can readjust it". Roomie keeps insisting he doesnt feel comfortable getting up with the brace not feeling right. They keep telling him its normal for it to be uncomfortable.He gets more and more irate, insisting it isnt on right. Finally the OT girl goes and "looks it up online". Yes, they had it on wrong. And they all brush this off and act like that isnt a big deal that tehy put a brace on wrong and wnated a patient to get up with an improperly fitted brace.Roomie (thank goodness hes stubborn)refuses to get up without the brace being done right. And insists that he wont get up till the brace guy comes (he was scheduled for that morning but hadnt showed as of 12) He and one of the PT's have a heated discussion...yes, part of his problem was anxiety...but it was justifiable. the man has just had surgery on his spine, and been told he is not to twist or do much activity, and he is to wear that brace at all times when hes out of bed, even just to go to the bathroom. And he was about 48 hours post op ferchrissakes!! Hes been told by the doc the risks if he somehow messes up the fusion. Pain, nerve damage, possible paralysis. Um, yeah, Id be adamant about the brace too!!

They just didnt seem to get that, to get the seriousness of it.

Which scares me.

I expected more from this "specialty" hospital. Frankly, it seems as if they chose that place (its in an old hospital building, well, the building isnt old, the hospital that was there closed down a couple years ago)and said "OK, lets put a spine hospital here" threw up some signs..and opened for business.


OK..what am I thankful for today?

Hmm...bananas.

Quik Trip and their low gas prices and coffee.

Naps- and my listening to my body saying it needed some down time. Even if it was only for 30 minutes, it gave me my second wind.

Purr monsters with faulty brakes (the aforementioned 5 month old purr monster kept running around this morning and when hed try to stop hed skid- it was hilarious!)

Sweetpea

Tuesday Thanks

Subway tuna sandwiches

Helpful Newfies who give suprisingly dry and gentle kisses. (the Newfies are not people, theyre dogs..I clean their house every Tuesday as well as pet sit for them- they always "help" me clean..usually by either wanting me to play...or putting their huge paws on the dust mop as I go over the floor...but their fave thing to do is to get into the dust piles Ive swept up. LOL-yeah, lotsa help!)

Good dogs who know what their routine is..and dont get mad at the humans who dont know it...they just look at me quizzically and go along with it. LOL

My car

Synchronicity (is that the right word? Im too tired to look it up tonight-sorry) bringing me things just when I need them...or when I have hoped for them.

Last minute pet sitting appointments from my regular customers. :)

Thankful post of the day

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T75s2RBQhSM

Im thankful for that video...LOL.

Kittehs that purr loudly, even if they dont want you to pet them.Dont know why she was purring...this cat is not known for her...um...niceness...she doesnt care for strangers in her house. Maybe she was thankful I was there to clean her litterbox. LOL

Cell phones with alarms...even if at 5:45 am I read them wrong and think its time to get up..when I still have an HOUR to go. LOL Ah well..Sweetpea and I got some bellyrubbin' time in, so its all good..;)

Gas at $1.74 a gallon. :)

Sorry..I had to post it...lol

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Thanksgiving Week

Yes, its gonna be corny...but I decided this morning Im going to post something or things that Im thankful for each day this week.

Today, I am thankful for...

5 month old purr monsters that sit in my lap and work their magic on my heart. Thank you, Jake for your morning purrs and making me smile.

Cold morning walks with an energy filled dog.

A job that I love

A car to get me to that job

Coffee

Good food in my house and tummy.

Friends and family.

WARNING: RANTING AHEAD

And some bitching and moaning and whining too.

Just some things I gotta get off my chest...

To whomever has my change box, which I either left in the shopping cart due to my stoopidity, or left in my car all night due to also my stoopidity:

I hope you used my money for good...like, maybe you were a single mom whod scraped her own change together to go buy milk or food for her kids, and hey, whats this in my shopping cart? A purple plastic box with lots of change? About $25 worth? OH THANK YOU!! Now I can buy milk and eggs and bread and maybe some fruit too, my baby loves bananas and apples.

Yeah, thats the vision Im gonna keep...not that some fucking punk was out at 3 am breaking into cars and found my change box and then went and bought booze/crack/pot with it.

And when is my damn brain gonna start working??

And when am I gonna realize that doing yoga half ass one day a week just aint helping?

And that maybe I wouldnt yell and get all ghetto on the big ass truck that pulled up on my bumper while I was on my way to my evening pet sitting apointment if I did more yoga and actually took the time to breathe and relax. (getting all ghetto means in this instance yelling "Does that make you feel all big and shit muthfucka??" to a redneck asshole in his HUGE ass Ford 450- complete with head bobbing, weaving whatever...and dont forget the hand and arm gestures. Im sure he loved that)

OK..roomie...I know Im supposed to be this caring compassionate wunnerful person *cough cough* but...you have sucked my last bit of compassion.Yes, you have spinal stenosis...yes, its terrifying Id imagine to think that you might get rearended and snap your spine. If it was me..Id prolly be wrapping myself in bubble wrap and lying in bed. But goddamit..get your bitches to come over and pick up your papers and help with your shoes and moving crap and shit. Tonight...I was upset.. because once again..it was me going to the store..once again I was spending my money on groceries. Yes, I realize I get that back ,either by having my part of the bills reduced by that amount (which I still cant wrap my head around being fair somehow I always feel screwed without lube) Im just tired of you very rarely (cause he does buy them...occasionally) buying groceries.

Oh, and goddammit, once again..I have to wait to cash my cleaning checks. YES, you are right, Mr Financial Wizard..if I cashed it, Id have it spent by now. On that ticket...on some spaceheaters...on some more groceries...like more fruit and tuna and shit I couldnt buy yesterday. Is it too DAMN much to ask for you to learn how to run a damn company so you can pay your employees..oh, excuse ,me.independent contractors. If I wasnt your friend and roomie..id have quit a long time ago. What fucking right do you have to hold my checks because you dont want me to spend my money. Who gave you that power...oh wait..*I* did!! GODDAMMMIT!(said in my best Cartman voice)

*sighs* I know much of this is irrational and judgemental and probably has a bit of jealousy thrown in for kicks...but dammit...this isnt working for me..and I dont know how to get out of it. I am not happy living with him...but Im not sure Id be happy alone either.

Somethings gotta give..and I dont want it to be me.

Maybe a little...but Im not giving all the way.

OK..Im tired..and cold..feeling a bit better getting that out...thanks.

F.Y.I.

Medical dictionaries with scary pictures and even scarier definitions make GREAT yoga props.

:) Feelin' much better

Anxiety

Thinking I need to get me some of M A's anxiety medicine.

Last night it got a bit out of hand. The roomie had gone out, and had said he prolly wasnt going to be home till morning. So..of course, Im thinking, okay, this will be the night that the robbers whove been doing all the break-ins will come to my house. Of course, cause you just know theyve been casing the joint for weeks now. (yes, this is how my mind works when the anxiety snowball is rolling)

So, after checking that all the doors and windows were locked tight, outside lights on...I went to bed. Kept hearing strange noises, which, it was windy and colder, was mostly just the house and wind. Geezzz. But...then..something fell downstairs. It sounded like a plastic cup. I knew there was a plastic cup near the kitchen sink..so..my mind immediately thinks "Ok, someone has climbed in the kitchen window, wasnt it locked? I dont remember, OMG!" So I grab my cell phone, my glasses, which only have one temple piece...so could be knocked off easily, rendering me pretty much sightless (come closer Mr Robber, I cant see you-youre all blurry) and the small scissors I have in my bathroom drawer for good measure and head downstairs. I ahvent heard anything more...I look in the kitchen, cup is still where it was...I listen downstairs, nothing...then, the rational part of my brain speaks up and says "It was something in the recycling bin which is pretty much overflowing right now" I look, and sure enough, a peanut butter jar has fallen out.

Laughing at my silliness, I head back upstairs...but it takes me a long time to go to sleep. Every little noise startles me.

I do NOT like being alone in a house at night. I have never had my house broken into...Ive only been I guess youd say mugged once...and it was in a mall parking lot, some kids were going around hooking womens purses with a cane during Chriatmas shopping season and then driving off... I was walking out to my car, not paying much attention...I see this truck out of the corner of my eye, and feel my purse strap sliding down my arm. I look at it..and see a hooked cane on it..and look up and see the guy holding the other end...I jerk my arm around, ripping the cane out of his hands, and they speed off. Their truck had somethign over the back license plate so I couldnt get the number. Oooo..I was PISSED!!!After yelling at the truck a minute or so...I decide to go find security. I do, they call the cops.. I give them a description of the truck...and the cane. They catch the guys a few weeks later.

Thats my only experience.

So, why am I so scared to be alone in a house at night? And, Im sorry, but its not like I live with a big muscular he-man guy. My roomie has rheumatoid arthritis...and really, he wouldnt be much help if someone did break in. His power and strength are in his brain.Which could be helpful, I suppose.

I was ready to call a friend and get her out of her bed to come stay with me. Which is totally friggin ridiculous.It was freezing out...she lives about 20 miles from me...and..Im 41 years old. Time to quit being scared of the damn boogey man.

I slept with the scissors and my cell phone and worthless glasses beside me in the bed. I also worried Id somehow stab myself with the scissors in my sleep,but the robber fear outweighed that fear.

Gawd...why do I let my fears get so out of control??

I really really dont want to go to a doctor for pills. But it is getting a bit out of hand.

I have small hallucinations sometimes...mostly about bugs, after a cockroach decided to join me in the bathtub a few weeks ago, I cant take a relaxing bath now. I see shadows and think theyre bugs...and freak, then laugh at myself (sometimes) when I realize there is nothing there.

While my anxiety doesnt affect me like it used to, with nausea and intense fear of going out and being around people (no, it wasnt agoraphobia, I could go to the store, no problem, it was more going out to bars and with friends, to concerts and such) I still have alot of it..and it does keep me from doing things.

Like sleeping.

And living.

Off to do some yoga.

Wizard of Oz

You, my friend, are a victim of disorganized thinking. You are under the unfortunate impression that just because you run away you have no courage; you're confusing courage with wisdom.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Yeah, I watched it...again...lol.

Wizard of Oz was on last night. Ive only seen this movie..lets see, Im 41...it comes on at least once a year..maybe twice..so prolly 80 times. LOL

Yes, it still makes me cry when they all get their wishes, and realize they had them all along...just needed someone to tell them so. Hmm..sounds familiar.

Yeah, I still cried when Dorothy came home at the end. Though I do disagree about everything you need being in your own backyard...;)

I do have a soft spot in my heart now for the Wicked Witch...she didnt mean to be so Wicked...;)

I realized, as I did when seeing Wicked...that this whole story is very empowering.Or it can be. Or maybe Im just crazy for getting inspiration from movies and plays. LOL The above quote is said by the Wizard when hes giving the Lion his courage medal. It made me cry last night too.


And I realized that next year will be the 70th anniversary of this spectacular and timeless movie. Wow.


Hope its on again soon. No matter how many times, or how often I see it...it still touches me.

Well...I still have a job...

And contrary to the lolcat pic I posted..I did not spend Monday in bed hiding.

After my roomie gave me a morning pep talk ( I know he meant well, but please, why is it okay for *you* to stay in bed till 10 and me not say anything?? It was only 7:15!! Guess he was being proactive - whatever...it did work)

I got myself up, did yoga, which Id been neglecting to do (hmm- coincidence- I think not!)ate a good breakfast, showered and dressed, fully, with bra and socks and all! Brushed my teeth, took my vitamins. I had one midday appointment (Im sure cause I checked both websites 3 times before leaving) and took roomie to get his car tires rotated and run his errands while we were out. I ate lunch, I did some laundry, and then I took a short nap.

Then I did something Ive been going to do for awhile..like a month, since I bought the damn things. I drew a picture with the watercolor pencils Id bought a couple months ago. It was a picture of the mountains Id seen about 12 days ago. I had wanted to go look at the fall leaves, and had also wnated to go up to the mountains. So, after hemming and hawing most of the day...at 2:30 I started driving up to Dahlonega. OMG...they were amazing. They were the sounthern tip of the Appalachians, and even though I was still about 15 miles from them, maybe more...what I saw was gorgeous.Huge golden orange peaks, as far as the eye could see.

Anyways, back to the watercolor drawing.I sat in my yoga room, it was a sunny day, my yoga room gets lots of great afternoon sun, so I thought itd be a good place to be creative. The roomies dog laid in the sunny spot while I sat on pillows on my yoga mat and got creative.

While it more closely resembled mountains of...orange cake...lol...it had its good points. The tree I put on one side turned out pretty good...though the roomies dog gave it a two paws down. I asked what she thought of the painting, held it up for her, said "I think the tree is the best part." She gave that little chuff that dogs do...and a look that said "Yeah, right." If she could roll her eyes she would have, Im sure. LOLOL

Then I played around a bit with the pencils, made a rainbow, a butterfly and some purple hearts...just messing around. It felt good. :)

I also started myself back on St John's.

Today I had a kinda busy day- 5 pet sitting appointments and then I cleaned for the Newfies. OK, I cleaned for their dads...lol, but I cleaned up the Newfies hair..and slobber. LOL I missed my boys, the big lumps of fur and slobber and love. Learned a good lesson tonight, herding Newfies is alot like herding cats. Its very difficult to move a dog that weighs over 130 pounds. Yes, one weighs 137, the other weighs 139. So, they pretty much go wherever and whenever they want.But, dont get me wrong, they are pretty much well behaved..they just have..well..moments. LOL Thye got out the garage door as I was leaving, so I got out and helped their owner get then back in. Treats and taking one dog at a time is how its done, FYI. :)

OK..its late, Im off to dreamland.

more animals

Major fuckup

I missed 2 pet sitting appointments today.

Same dogs. One morning and one midday.

They and their owners are some of the sweetest beings on this earth.

I did their appointments yesterday, no problem.

I somehow got it in my head that today I had no appointments on one website. I did my appointments on the otehr website.

I did not realize all this till 8:15 tonight.

Those poor sweet dogs.

Those poor sweet owners- one of my favorite customers...that I let down. BIG TIME.

I called my boss. Shes not happy.

Didnt say she was going to fire me...but I dont see how she cant.

Roomie says to keep this in perspective...to not get carried away in the negativity.

Well..when one knows taht theyve fucked up majorly...how does one keep smiling and positive??

You tell me...cause all I can think of is those poor little dogs being left in those crates all day.

Yeah, I guess its a positive that I called the boss and owned up to what I did.

I dont know how I missed the appointment. I have been distracted lately, forgetful..my mind has been wandering...Ive been missing little things..and some important things...Ive hit my head a couple times recently...no cuts or unconsciousness..and only once did it daze me for a second or two...so, yeah, the anxiety that Ive given myself brain damage has started. As well as the Im depressed again so need to go back on the St Johns or get myself back to therapy..or both.

So...whats your biggest fuck up..and did life go on? Well, I gues sit did, or you wouldnt be here reading my wonderfully uplifting blog.

Going to bed...though I doubt I will sleep.

Bring on the shit..Ive got the fan all plugged in and ready to go.

Hope Wins

Stayed up till 12:30 am to witness history.

Wow.

I watched CNN and Fox (why?lol) and Comedy Central (my fave of all the election coverage!) from about 5:30 till 12:30, with an hour break in there to update my facebook status and check email. LOL

My voting experience? I came prepared to wait for hours, brought a magazine and food... and spent a grand total of 15 minutes from when I pulled into the parking lot to when I got back in my car.

I was caught up in the history being made yesterday. Wow..a black man was running. Wow..I was a woman voting for a black man. Wow, in 12 hours we could have our first black president...ever. I found this on Comedy Central's website yesterday...really made me think:


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Zero: The number of times in our nation's 232 year history, as of the time of writing, that the country -- despite being originally populated by dark-skinned Eurasian migrants, having a multi-continental populace going back longer than the country itself, currently boasting a citizenry with genetic ties to every conceivable place in the world, and a roughly equal (though leaning female) gender breakdown -- has seen fit to elect a non-white, non-male person as either its president or vice president.

Today is the last day in our nation's history that we'll ever have to admit that again.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Hope *has* won.

I only hope the darkness doesnt destroy it.

The Fish Oil experiment has begun...

I took 2 after a very healthy lunch of a salad and carrot ginger juice at the local health food place.

Take that you nasty beast!!

:P

Coincidence?

Freaky

The roomie and I had a conversation last night on this very topic..and we (mostly he) said basically the same things.

Coincidence? Or the Universe once again sending me something I need?

Who knows. Either way. I am grateful for it.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Today's Daily Om

November 3, 2008

The Journey of Finding a Relationship

Our Relationship Choices

Before we embark upon the journey of finding the relationship that is right for us, we may want to take the opportunity to refine our concept of who we are and our ideas of what we want from life. That way, we are clearer on the kind of person we want to attract into our lives. Part of the journey of finding a mate is learning how to become our own mate. When we can learn to meet our needs without relying on someone else to complete us, we don’t have to form relationships from the space of needing our emptiness to be filled. We can also discover our intrinsic value, separate from what someone else might be reflecting back to us. Getting to know who we are and learning to love ourselves creates a solid foundation of self that we can bring to any relationship.

We are fortunate to live in a time when relationships can unfold at a pace that is right for us and take unique forms. Friendship, dating, open relationships, long term relationships, long distance relationships, or committed relationships — we are free to choose the kind of relationships that we want. If you want to be in relationship, but haven’t found the right one for you, remember that the universe works in perfect order and, therefore, right now your life is unfolding exactly as it is meant to be. Maybe all this time has been part of your preparation period for meeting your intended partner. Even the relationships in our lives that haven’t worked out as we had hoped serve us by teaching us to make better choices in our next relationships.

Finding the relationship we want can come early or later in life. It may even happen again and again in one lifetime. There is no right or wrong for how to find a relationship nor is there a timeline that you have to follow. Follow your heart, listen to your inner voice, continue to become your own soul mate, and stay open to love. The journey of finding the right relationship begins with being in right relationship with yourself.

Dark Thoughts

Post Jackson/Wicked/birthday crash I guess...been kinda down and dark today...:(

Its only temporary I keep telling myself.

I hope it is.

Do people who "go crazy" feel themselves doing so? Do they know theyre slowly losing their mind? Do they slowly lose their mind...or do they just snap and are gone forever? Yeah, I read that article that said schizophrenics lose the "somethings wrong here" warning bells. Still skeptical.

Asked roomie if he ever considered me his "girlfriend" back when we were driving 6 hours to see each other, before I moved here, before I moved to St Louis even. While he didnt answer me...he did ask me some questions as to why I wanted/ needed to know...which got me to talk more about it and eased the pain some. I asked because I had been thinking back on all my past relationships..and realized...no one had ever called me their girlfriend. I was their "friend", the "girl whos living with me", their "submissive but only for a few months", or their "fuck buddy". Never "girlfriend, fiance, significant other" or anything similar.

Thinking of going back on the St John's or maybe trying Kava. I shall see...just ended my period a couple days ago too..so some hormones could be playing a part also.

Not quite ready for the straitjacket...yet...

Happy Halloween!!

more animals

For M-A ; )

Never underestimate the POWER!!

Yep, thats him. Lookin' fine at age 60.

Taken from the middle balcony in a very cool local rock club the Tabernacle...which used to be a church..but now it is just a very cool place (except for the stairs...the many flights of stairs you had to climb to get to either your seats or the bathrooms...lol)

There were rooms all around the place, there was a room with a bed we dubbed the orgy room...the max capacity sign said 28 people..so we told people thered be an orgy there after the show.

Oh, yeah, the show.

Wow.

Wish Id started seeing Jackson live years ago. If he was that amazing at age 60 with a cold and rude drunk people asking him to play Freebird...well..I can only imagine what he was like back in the 70's.

He played many songs from his new CD which apparently is very hard to come by here in Atlanta...not due to selling out..but because the stoopid stores around me didnt get any shipped to them. *sighs* Target youre next on my list...if you dont have it..Im gonna hurt someone. LOL He played "Lives In the Balance" a song written in 1985...when the world was a much different place..and we were "fighting" an enemy we could identify and see...the Russians...but the lyrics are still very relevant and moving. It is a song meant to be heard and felt live. Of course he played the hits, Doctor My Eyes (without the bongos, it isnt the same) Runnin' On Empty, Boulevard...he didnt play "Shape of A Heart" or For a Dancer...but you know what...its okay. :)

I still saw one of the greatest singer songwriters of all time, up close and personal...I got to go to a cool place Id never been to...I got to cry at song lyrics which have touched me as well as millions of others. I got to dress up and look and feel sexy.

Jackson, thank you for all the music, and for touching my heart. C'mon back to Hotlanta anytime you can. I hope the people wont be so rude next time. Please dont hold it against those of us who were there to hear you and bask in your music.

Have things changed that much in 6 years??

I went to a concert Monday night for the 1st time in like 6 or 7 years. Now, granted it was a more intimate setting, a club of 2,000 as opposed to the Pyramid in Memphis,TN... but...I was amazed that people felt they had the right to...yell out song requests.

(still wish Jackson had played "Freebird" as many in the crowd kept yelling...he *did* say his band could play anything...lol)

At one point, Jackson in a very nice but effective way said..."How about you let me play the songs *I* want to?" to someone who kept yelling for something.

My favorite though was when he was telling us a story and a very drunk lady came up to the edge of the stage and started talking to him. He said "Excuse me, but Im having a conversation with the *whole* place, not just you, please sit down."

That's why we luv ya, Jackson...you do have a way with words.

Sorry you had a cold...maybe next time you can come to my house and I'll fix you some soup...chicken soup if youre not a vegetarian...or mushroom barley if you are. I guarantee you will feel better.

And maybe after the soup...some sex? I hear its really good for colds...;)

This is waaayyy too cute!

see more puppies

Open up...let go...why cant I do this??

Why do I constantly feel like Im shutting myself, heart body and soul...off to anyone or anything getting in?

What is it Im so damn scared of?

Is it because I think I'll look foolish? Whats the worst that could happen? Yeah, people might laugh at me. Talk about me. For awhile...till the next silly fool happened along.

Why must I always be in control of things, of myself..of others even? Why do I hunger so much to be allowed to "just be" but yet not allow others to do so?

Damn you, Jackson Browne...you always make me look inside. And think.

*sighs*

Fox Theater pics

Fox Marquee from the side at night. Beautiful, isn't it?




Me outside the Fox. Loooo-king gooood!




Fox Marquee taken from across the street at the Georgian Terrace Hotel. The matinee show had just let out.

*THE* dress

Damn, I clean up pretty good, dont I?





No, the Benz isn't mine. Does make a nice backdrop though. (Its also the "nice clean" thing I wasnt gonna get started about in my last blog entry...lol)

My birthday adventure

After a morning/early afternoon of work, it was time to enjoy my day.

I drove home after my cleaning job and a trip by the Fox Theater to orient myself to wher I needed to go after getting off MARTA (Took MARTA to avoid traffic and or ridiculous parking lot prices- lowest was $15, highest was $30...geezzz)found the station was only 2 blocks from the theater-whoo-hoo! Got home, hopped in the bath to start the "making myself bootiful" process. Nice relaxing bath...yummm...out, put on makeup,painted nails (toes too) got dressed...omg...I look wonderful. I wore the purple "OMG, I cant believe this is only $9.99" dress, its a halter dress, light purple and dark purple fabric, light...chiffon I think its called, its light and breezy and beautiful. Black hose, black dress shoes that I got at Goodwill for under $5. I think my makeup cost more than my clothes...lol.

Went to pick up roomie and bring him home from office as he didnt wnat to drive his nice clean...oh, dont get me started...lol.

He took pics of me (I will get them developed and posted here soon, I pwomise!) and then it was off to the MARTA station. The train took a long time to get there..and this lil Mexican guy was squicking me out...asking all sorts of personal questions..and not understanding why a beautiful woman like me wouldnt want to have children. And did not want to accept my "I just dont, okay?" answer. Yes, Christine needs to stop giving away so much info to strange men. The train took a long time.

OK...so he gets in one car.,..I get in another, thank God I lost him. Geezz.

Off we go..uneventful trip. I get to the stop I need...find the sign that says "Fox Theater this way" walk up the hill after crossing the street thinking I needed to go that way..get to the top of the hill and Peachtree, look left...nope, that doesnt look familiar...turn right, yep, theres the box office. Yay! So I go to the box office window, and get the details about the lottery. Background, I did not have a ticket yet, so no guarantee I was gonna even get to see Wicked. It was my birthday and Id been sacrificing to the birthday Gods all day to make my wish come true. They do a lottery 2 hours before every show, you put your name in, they draw out 10 names and you get tickets for $25 cash. I had decided if they didnt draw my name, Id still go out to eat or something, shame to get all this dressed up and not do anything.

So, the time comes to line up for the lottery...I meet a lady standing in line whos in town for business and decided to come take her chances too, even after the hotel desk clerk told her "You know its a lottery, you might not win" So, we each wanted to buy 1 ticket- you could buy 2, so we decide to share our chances, if they call her, I could buy her other ticket and vice versa. So, names in..crossed fingers and all but the legs...5 names are drawn, not mine..Im getting nervous..."Christine Peek" gets called. OMG, thats ME!!! Or its a common mispronouncement of my name...lol.I walk up and show my ID and say "Thank you, its my birthday , thank you for making my wish come true" or something similarly bubbly and gushy...lol. I stand aside and wait with the lady to see if they draw her name too. Her name is the next one called. LOL We are both in shock...she tells them to draw another name as we are sharing my tickets. And we walk to the box office to get the tickets. I text my friends....OMG...I still cant believe it!

We decide to get some food at Gladys Knights down the street...we walk there, its maybe 3 blocks from the theater. Yikes, 45 minute wait...nope, not enough time.We walk back in the direction of this little gourmet wrap and sub place...on the way a guy hands us a 10% off coupon for the Broadway diner which is next door to the sub place, but somehow we missed it.... Its a great place, has greek food, Italian, and OMG, the desserts looked fantastic! Beautifully decorated cakes, cookies, etc. The place has all this Broadway memoriabilia on the walls, and mirrors and bright lights...its great. Will definitely be going back. Food was great, I had a Caprese panini- grilled chicken, mozzarella, tomato and basil on panini bread. Yummm. We shared a greek salad. It was all great, we had a great time, good food, good conversation. Perfect so far. :)

So back to the theater we went...damn, wanted a program, but Im not gonna spend $20 for one, sorry. Inside, we find our seats...the usher said go to your right and its all the way down. Ok...so we walk..down and down and down....um...we have 3rd row seats!!for $25!!! OMG..more texts to my friends...lol.

Looking around the theater...oh myyy...it is spectacular. The pic above is of the ceiling and balcony. The ceiling looks like a night sky, complete with clouds which move across it throughout the show.Amazing.

The show begins....my first live theater off Broadway Broadway show. I am hooked. Wicked is the story of the Wicked Witch before Dorothy came along. How she got to be so Wicked, basically. And, it is the second time...that I have been made to feel that this dark character is just misunderstood and cant help but be the way they are. The first one was Star Wars Revenge of the Sith when I found myself feeling sorry for Darth Vader. Perhaps I am going to teh Dark Side afterall. lol.

Act 1 ends with an amazing song..."Defying Gravity" Elphaba (the Wicked Witch of teh West) has just discovered that the Wizard has no power...and has discovered taht she has some amazing strengths. It is a very appropriate song for me, with all Ive been working on the past 2 years. Discovering my own power..and realizing that who I thought held all the power is really just a scared little person. I cried, as the lyrics are very touching, and it is a very breathtaking performance.

Intermission...we switched seats, because, well even though they were 3rd row, they werte on the right side, and part of the stage blocked our view...she said she could see a little bit more than me she thought so offered to switch.

The second act was amzing also...my fave song there was "As Long as Your Mine" sung by Elphaba and Fiyero, the love interest of the play. I hope to sing that song someday with my own lover. :)

Love her line after the song ends...when theyre making out....she says she feels something...for the first time in her life...she feels..."WICKED" said with an evil sexy tint as she knocks him over kissing him...loved it! :)

It was a wonderful play...if you havent seen it, I encourage you to go. You wont be disappointed. :)

After the show we waited a bit for the crowd to thin out, we had talked of going back to the diner for coffee and cake, but shed been up since 4 am and was tired, so we parted ways with a hug. The usher told me the easiest way to get back to the MARTA station was to go out this side exit and up one block and cross the street and I was there. So I did..and walked by a group gathered...I thought waiting for taxis...but someone said "They will come out that side door and sign autographs" OMG..to meet the cast and get autographs woul just complete the night! So, I waited, in the wind and cold..with otehrs..and got the main characters autographs...and..I told Carmen who played Elphaba that "Defying Gravity" made me cry and thanked her for making my birthday a great night. We hugged and she wished me a Happy b-day and seemed touched...:)

OK..so now..the part I was dreading..the ride home on MARTA at night.I have only ridden Marta a few times..once at night.I was scared shitless...but kept reminding myself of the safety things Id heard..stay near the doors and or emergency phone...hold onto your purse...stay alert.Luckily there were many people from the play riding so I felt safe in the crowd.I even spoke to some young men whod gotten on the wrong train (they had wanted the Southbound train and got on the north)Soon I was at my stop..and walked fast and alert to my car, which Id parked nearest the entrance and under a light. Home..hungry, still "Defying Gravity" smiling and feeling great after a wonderful eveing.

Im a pretty good date, if I do say so myself. :)

I want to try defying gravity....; )

I saw Wicked tonight at the Fox Theater here. Amazing and inspiring show.This song made me cry. It closes the first act. I will blog more about my night in the morning...if I get to sleep that is. Im still defying gravity...:)




Something has changed within me
Something is not the same
I'm through with playing by
The rules of someone else's game
Too late for second-guessing
Too late to go back to sleep
It's time to trust my instincts
Close my eyes
And leap...

It's time to try defying gravity
I think I'll try defying gravity
And you can't pull me down

GLINDA
Can't I make you understand
You're having delusions of grandeur?

ELPHABA
I'm through accepting limits
Cuz someone says they're so
Some things I cannot change
But till I try I'll never know
Too long I've been afraid of
Losing love I guess I've lost
Well if that's love
It comes at much too high a cost

I'd sooner buy defying gravity
Kiss me goodbye, I'm defying gravity
And you can't pull me down!

Glinda, come with me. Think of what we could do - together!

Unlimited
Together we're unlimited
Together we'll be the greatest team
There's ever been - Glinda!
Dreams the way we planned 'em

GLINDA
If we work in tandem

GLINDA & ELPHABA
There's no fight we cannot win
Just you and I, defying gravity
With you and I defying gravity

ELPHABA
They'll never bring us down!

Well, are you coming?

(GLINDA decides to stay behind.)

GLINDA
I hope you're happy
I hope your happy now that your choosing this -

ELPHABA
You too--
I hope it brings you bliss

GLINDA & ELPHABA
I really hope you get it
And you don't live to regret it
I hope you're happy in the end
I hope you're happy my friend

ELPHABA
So if you care to find me
Look to the Western sky!
As someone told me lately
Everyone deserves the chance to fly
And if I'm flying solo
At least I'm flying free
To those who ground me
Take a message back from me!

Tell them how I am defying gravity
I'm flying high, defying gravity
And soon I'll match them in renown
And nobody in all of Oz
No Wizard that there is or was
Is ever gonna bring me down!!

I wonder...

If she thinks of me...like I think of her every year on this day.

I wonder if she thinks of me at all.

I wonder what shes like. What does she look like...what does she like to eat. Does she like to cook and read and do yoga like me? Do I have her eyes? Her nose? Her body? Would she sit down and have a cup of tea with me?

I know she was wanting to become a vet...is that where I get my love of animals?

I hope she thinks of me.

She gave me life.

My brother may be an asshole...

But he sure made some beautiful daughters. And smart ones too.

The woman with the baby is Shannon, shes 26, his first child. The cute lil thing on the beach is his youngest (that I know of) Kodie Jo. I havent seen her since she was a baby. Shes 15 I believe. He has 2 boys, Cooper and Levon, but my family hasnt had contact with them since they were born...Shannon tried to contact them a couple years ago but my brothers ex wife wouldnt have anything to do with her.

Kodie found Shannon on the internet a few years ago, and theyve gotten close.

They are both strong, beautiful intelligent women.

I am proud to call them my nieces. :)

Yes...I know...

more animals

At this rate...I'll live forever!

http://news.aol.com/article/woman-105-credits-no-sex-for-long-life/207584

OK..so its only been a year. LOL. Guess it isn't *really* that long. She *never* had sex.

Love the last line..."I'm hardly likely to get drunk and do something silly at my age."

Oh why not!??!

lol

Jealousy

"Jealousy is simply and clearly the fear that you do not have value. Jealousy scans for evidence to prove the point - that others will be preferred and rewarded more than you. There is only one alternative - self-value. If you cannot love yourself, you will not believe that you are loved. You will always think it's a mistake or luck. Take your eyes off others and turn the scanner within. Find the seeds of your jealousy, clear the old voices and experiences. Put all the energy into building your personal and emotional security. Then you will be the one others envy, and you can remember the pain and reach out to them."
~Jennifer James

Found this while searching for an image of jealousy. I really like it.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


All I can think of is how last weekend he was fed up with her...shed gotten drunk..said he didnt think hed be seeing her anymore.

Or maybe thats what I heard.

Tonight she was back.

Why do I let this bother me? I still have feelings for him. He does not "love" me. Do I even know what the fuck that means?

Love does not mean wanting to spend every last friggin second of the day with someone. Love does not mean doing everything together..or being in sync all the time. I dont know what it is...but I know...that no man has ever given it to me. No man has told me he loves me. Ive never been anyones anything.

I need to figure out why that matters to me so goddamn much. Is it because I was given up for adoption? Is it because somwhere in my mind that means I am unworthy?

All my life I have sought approval from others...so the pattern continues.If I was good enough, did this right, said this, acted that way, I would be loved. If I screwed up...I was unlovable, horrible, totally worthless.

And how do I find love...when I cant even love myself.

I know that is the key.

But how does one get from point A to point B.

And can I accomplish it...before I die. So I dont end up alone.

I know my niece would prolly help take care of me...and she has already said shed write my obituary for me.

I just dont want to die without having lived.

And I am slowly realizing that I havent done much living in my soon to be 41 years. Because I have let fear hold me back.

Oh...my...gawd

These *are* end times.

My parents are redecorating (not remodeling as I said in someones blog-sorry!) their house.Actually, its almost done.Wow. Im still in shock.

They have replaced that dark gold ugly 70's era carpet which was getting quite worn in spots. They have replaced the matching heavy gold drapes with vertical blinds. The shears and heavy flowered drapes on the floor to ceiling windows in the corner are being replaced also with vertical blinds. The walls which were a bright buttercup yellow are now a calming blue.

And thats just the livingroom!

The sliding glass doors in the diningroom are now French doors with vertical blinds between the glass panes. The front door has been replaced with a steel door with a window (before it was a metal screen door and a white wooden door with no window)
Theres a new light fixture in the bathroom down the hall. Wonder if they replaced the carpet in the hall and Dads room?lol. Its been there for 35 years at least. Hmm..maybe I will call Mom back.

My parents have made few changes to the house in the 33 years they have lived there.The buttercup yellow paint in the livingroom was one...a few years ago mom put up a border and painted the hall bathroom...recently they got one of those walk in bathtubs installed in there...um..Dad put up truck themed wallpaper in his bathroom...that was at least 25 years ago...lol.

I am so glad they have done this. Changes...good changes. I am pleasantly surprised. Maybe there's hope for the old folks yet. :)

Still kickin' ass...21 years later

Wow...I found a Rolling Stone mag from last year in one of my petsitting clients rooms (I went in there to turn off their alarm because the dogs were freaking out about it...lol) it was actually from last year..and Guns and Roses was on the cover. The original Guns and Roses. Axl, Duff, Slash, Izzy, Steven. 5 guys who wrote and recorded one of the greatest albums ever made.

Appetite For Destruction

I read the article..and tried to recall where I first heard the boyz. I decided it was prolly on a radio show that I spent every Monday night listening to from 1985 to 1990 or so...Metalshop. I think Mr Brownstone was the first song I heard...and I was hooked. I had no idea what it was about...didnt care. It rocked.

I was working at the nursing home the year it came out. My first job..my first taste of independence. I was driving the Ford Granada that Id gotten handed down from my brother. It had a cassette player. Wore out many a tape in that deck. 1987 was an awesome year for metal. Motley Crue Girls Girls Girls came out...Def Leppards Hysteria...omg..all these memories.

I remember I got Circus magazine every month (my dad hated me buying it, but it was MY money so he couldnt say anything...though he still did) It had articles about GNR and Ratt and Motley Crue...interviews, stories about their wild lives. *sighs*

and theres lil ol me who wanted to marry one of them..I could never decide who though...so many to choose from..Axl, Duff, Stephen Pearcy, Juan Croucier, Robbin Crosby, Bret Michaels, Bobby Dall...Nikki Sixx or Tommy Lee...decisions decisions...lol. I was gonna marry a rock star...move to LA ..and become a social worker and save the world.

My fave track...depends on my mood...Nightrain...lol..I used to buy this cheap wine...loved it...my friend Patty puked for the first time when drunk after she drank this. Maybe Ill pick up a bottle this weekend...lol.Tasted like cough syrup,but after the first drink..you didnt care!!! Good fun song. Think About You...kinda a lonely longing song...but also good memories. :)

Anything Goes...lol..of course..I like this. loved it back then too..so I guess the kinky sprinkles were there even then.( and I was still a virgin!!) "Panties round your knees with your ass in da breeze,doin' that grind with the push and squeeze.Tied up tied down up against the wall, be my rubber mate baby and we can do it all." yep...sounds like a fun night to me :) I remember reading a story back in the day about Axl having sex upside down on a train in London.Many a hot fantasy came from that story...;)

Rocket Queen (it has live sex on it, of course I like it!)always loved this, no matter what my mood. Not so much the beginning though it is a kickass song...but the end where it gets all emotional and hopeful. " If you need a shoulder, or if you need a friend, Ill be here standin' until the bitter end"

Ahhh..memories...:)

Off to dream of sex upside down on a train...:)

Still not an LOL *cat*

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Well..it *isn't* an LOLcat

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Damn Mountain!!

This is the image I see. I am looking down...then...I slip...and looking up at the people with me...all I can do is say goodbye...

as I fall..down..down...down...

I dont land...I always stop the image before I hit the ground.

I have tried seeing myself flying instead of falling as a therapist once told me...but the "PEOPLE CANT FLY!" negative faerie pops up and yells at me till that image gets taken away.

I am not scared of heights. Or at least I never thought I was. I dont think thats it. It feels...when I *do* spend time with this fear...that its more of a control thing...that once I slip..I can do nothing to save myself.I cant grab onto a rope or tree or anything. I am left to just fall..into the air..to my death. I cant save myself...and no one else can either.

I am planning to go back to this damn mountain...and climb to that spot I sat and was scared of slipping...and tell it I am no longer scared...and then go beyond it to the top of the mountain.

And breathe in the amazing fresh air...and laugh at my fears...and cry tears of joy and feel empowered because I have conquered yet another fear.

*Inhale...Exhale...ahhhhhh*

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I am spending waaayyyy too much time on this site...lol

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Instant Karma

Had a conversation in my head awhile ago (I hope others have conversations in their head...its so much fun, Id hate to be the only one! LOL) about Karma and retribution.

The other night, after a long day...I had just sat down to eat when my cell rang, I looked at the number, it was the pet sitter Ive helped out many times who is sometimes a pain in the ass and makes me feel guilty...no..rephrasing..*I* let her make me feel guilty if I have to say no, I cant help you this time. Anyways...I had already helped her out that day, she called at 9:30 the night before to say "Her daughter was having surgery and she had thought it was only gonna be an hour or so surgery, but no, its gonna be a couple hours and could I please just do one visit for her?" As it was the easiest visit of all, letting a dog out in the yard and then giving him a treat and water and petting...and hes a sweetie..I said yes. It was also on my way to another visit I had, so not a problem.

So..she is on my phone...I let it go to voicemail because I didnt want to talk to her at that moment and I was trying to eat at 7:30 at night. I listened to her voicemail after a few minutes. She said in this pitiful voice that she had spent all day at the hospital and had taken her husband to the doctor too (she knew he had to go the night before when she called me) and she was "just sick" and wanted me to go do 2 visits for her that night (at 7:30) because she was just so sick. The visits were with dogs I had never done...I would have to drive to her house to get the keys...then to the houses...not get home till at least 10 prolly...I still had laundry to do..and our cable was out at home so needed to call about that...not to mention I was tired and just wanted to relax. So...after throwing a bit of a hissyfit (ok, a big one)...and deciding I wasnt going to call her back under any circumstances, she was gonna have to take care of this shit herself...Im tired of her poor planning and not taking care of herself and figuring out what she can do and what she cant..and always calling me when she gets overwhelmed.

*sighs*

Anyways, I didnt call her back..she called me after 15 minutes and said she would go ahead and do teh visits herself and that she might need my help in the morning because she was just so sick. I told myself, um, no..I have 2 houses to clean tomorrow plus a couple of my own visits that I have to juggle around because the people ahve asked for a specific time which doesnt jive with the cleaning appointments..so NO...I CANT HELP YOU!

Then the guilt started...shes in her 70's...she has been treated for bladder cancer, has finished chemo and radiation...and had been doing good, getting back into the swing of working and such. She has a disabled husband who she takes care of too...would it REALLY kill me to help her out?? But then the bitch started...she (the lady) always calls me when shes gotten herself overwhelmed, Im supposed to bail her out because she doesnt know how to say no and ask for help and take care of herself because shes a damn codependent just like me...and why is any of this *MY* fucking problem?? Back and forth it went...till I was in tears, hating myself for not helping...but at the same time not wanting to because I was tired myself and know that I have trouble saying no too and end up getting sick too when I overextend myself.

So...back to the karma thing. This morning I got a call from the people whod booked a couple overnights next weekend, saying their plans had changed and they had to cancel. Great...so here it comes..my punishment for not helping and being selfish...then it hit me. Why is *my* karma instant..and serial killers and OJ Simpson and such have to wait years before "getting theirs"?? What makes *ME* so horrible that I am punished almost instantly for little infractions and bits of selfishness...and they do MUCH more horrible things and dont get anything done till they go to prison or even till they die??

OK..off to clean yet another house then go have some fun tonight :)

In spite of myself...

I had a pretty good time with me tonight.

The roomie texted me at 2 or so today that he "may have company tonight". Meaning, hes gonna get laid.

Arrrggg...old jealous green eyed monster popped up..as well as the "I dont have any friggin' money to be going out and entertaining myself while he fucks someone" as well as why cant the bitches host every once in awhile..and the ever popular, if he cooks for her, Im not doing the dishes.(I did them once, never again)

So, after cleaning the house instead of taking a nap (it was my turn to clean and yes, the nap was nothing but procrastination at work)I took a nice hot bath to relax a bit, after crying...realizing much of what I was upset about was jealousy...wondering why the hell I still have feelings for him...realizing that I had an Olive Garden gift card to use for supper...and realizing that no..I didnt *have* to leave the house, he didnt have a problem with me being there...its *me* who has the issues. Yeah, I know..big surprise, *I* have issues. I heard him and one of his girls one time having um...fun... downstairs. Made me horny..and raised up the old feelings and longings again. So, I decided that maybe itd be best if I left while he was entertaining.

He was gracious enough to lend me his AMC theater gift card so I could see a movie...turns out there arent any very close to me...at least 15 miles away...so I didnt use it.

What I did do was...dress up, in black dress slacks, a long sleeved knit top-purple black and white print, really cute (thank you C) my black dress shoes, makeup and perfume...go to Olive Garden where I enjoyed a glass of Riesling, my new love...but next time I will pick some up at Kroger on the way home...not a good idea (duh- DUI...helllooooo)ah well..I enjoyed sipping it with my meal of Cappellini Pomodoro (cappellini with roma tomatoes, garlic, onions and basil) which was yummy..but..it hit me that I make the same thing at home at least once a week..for a lot less..and mine tastes better. LOL Oh well.Had some salad and breadsticks too, of course. My niece called during my meal and we enjoyed a nice long chat.It was very relaxing and with the gift card didnt cost me much.(must get more gift cards...lol)

Then after finding out there were no closeby AMC theaters (I didnt have time to look it up online before leaving)I decided to go to Perimeter Mall to Macy's and look around because I had a $25 gift card I got last Xmas from one of my fave cleaning customers. I pull in and see "Parking $6 and $4" signs...then realize thats for valet and special parking. So, I parked in the free parking, which wasnt too far away. I went to the plus size section first (after asking where it was located *and* riding on an escalator (hate them!!)walked around...nothing grabbed my attention..did go to the clearance rack after wandering thru the bra section..um..nothing bigger than 42DDD??? (44C here)Maybe I missed it.

Anyways, found a couple cute shirts, tried them on...but they just didnt do it for me. Then I went up to the home section...looking for some bed linens...finding that I couldnt even afford the on sale pillow shams, and that apparently everyone has a queen size bed because there were hardly any queen sheets. So, I found a body pillow (have been wanting one) which I could afford...couldnt afford the cover too, but I can get one at Wal Mart for not too much, or Goodwill. I stood there holding it for a few minutes, trying to decide if I wanted to spend most of my gift card on it..finally deciding yes, I did, Ive been wanting one as I said..I usually sleep with a pillow between my knees as it helps my lower back and hips not hurt.So,I wandered over to the counter, and grabbed a bar of Godiva chocolate as a treat(which, really isnt that impressive, sorry)and...I had 60 cents left on my card. LOL.

Wandered back to the escalator (deep breaths...no, its not gonna catch your foot and drag you to your death, I promise- just breeeeaathhheee)and then out to the parking lot...where it only took me a couple minutes to find my car...lol. Early Alzheimers? Nahh...Ive had that problem for about 20 years now. Always have forgotten where I parked in places like that. I did recall Id parked in a row where I could see the entrance straight ahead and one row over...so that helped. Remembering the Maggianos carryout only signs too helped. Eh, guess I didnt do too bad then. :)

OK..its late...Im tired..got to make some phone calls in the morning Ive put off all week. Nothing bad, just me procrastinating.

Ive had that problem for almost 30 years...lol.

Love this

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To panic or not to panic..that is the question...

Yeah, I know...panicking will solve nothing.

Every day I pass more and more gas stations that are either totally out of gas, or are out of all but one type.

Some are just out of gas for one day, some 2...the most Ive seen any go is 2 1/2 days.

So, I guess the trick to not panicking, is to make sure I keep my tank as full as possible...at least 1/2 full, that will usually last me a few days, maybe a week if I dont have alot of jobs.

Also try to conserve as much as possible...which Ive been doing.


Inhale...exhale...panic solves nothing.

Panic solves nothing

Yes, I *am* alive...lol

Ive just either been busy, not in the mood to blog or too bored and restless to sit and type.

Or lazy...cant forget lazy. Work has slowed down a bit, I'm still on track to have the bills paid though, so its OK. But the last 2 weeks Ive had many days off..and I am finding I don't like to be idle for days at a time. I need/ like/ almost crave some sort of physical something to do, not necessarily cleaning, but just maybe having *something* to do. Keeps my mind and body busy.

Last week I was restless...I keep feeling like I want to do and see all these things...but lack whatever I need to get started towards doing them. Whether its courage, money, or not knowing how to make it happen...it just isn't happening.
Part of it is money...everything I want seems so out of reach, and yeah, I can save money..but by the time I get it saved, I will have lost interest or something else will come up that needs that money.

And mostly..its that I have all these things...going to the ocean, the mountains north of here, Hawaii, California, Tennessee, swimming with the dolphins...naked...lol..I have *ALL* these things I want to do...and I cant focus on just one. They just all seem out of reach..yeah, nice dreams but Ill never get there.

*sighs*

Maybe its just a mid life crisis.

LOL

Mmmmmmmmm

Apparently...the girl can take herself out of kinky...but you cant take the kinky out of the girl.

*grins*

I was treated to a (mostly) gentle and (totally!) delicious flogging and spanking last night by a friend.

I was quite pleased to feel those old responses coming back...I was afraid my wiring had changed and that I wouldnt enjoy pain now.

But I did!

She used a nice soft suede flogger at first, starting out very gentle...then getting harder.Good rhythm...mmmm...stingy but not too much to process. Yummm...then of course, cause shes a mean bitch (LOL)she had to give me a few hard swings...and use the ends of the flogger tails, which were cut at a slant...making them VERY stingy...LOL. I relearned that "OW!!" is not a safeword...lol. She also used a leather slapper on my butt and upper back..which was wunnnnerrrfulllll. Yummmmmmmmmmm And a nice spanking...mmmm..much needed and well worth the wait!

Thank you, s. *grins*

Cant wait till Saturday night!!!

Judgement vs opinion

Staying Open And Fluid
Judgment Versus Opinion
Most of us understand that when we judge someone, or someone judges us, it is a negative emotional experience. As a result, we naturally want to avoid being judgmental, but this gets confusing when we feel we have to suppress thoughts that could actually be offering us guidance. For example, we may meet someone new and suppress a negative feeling about them, thinking that we don’t want to fall into the trap of being judgmental. Later, though, it may turn out that paying attention to that thought could have helped us take care of ourselves or someone else.

It is important to learn to distinguish inner guidance, and having an opinion, from judgment, otherwise we run the risk of not listening to our intuition and not allowing ourselves to form opinions. Inner guidance and opinions both help us to interact more intelligently in the world, so we don’t want to throw them out in an effort to avoid being judgmental. Our intuition usually makes itself known to us in a flash, and often has a physical component—a flutter in our stomachs, sweaty palms, or a chill. When we use this information to help us navigate a situation, we always benefit. Similarly, having an opinion about a person or an idea allows us to converse about it in a focused way with intention. Listening to our intuition and forming opinions are both positive outcomes of our ability to interpret the information that comes our way.

When we make a judgment, on the other hand, we attempt to have a final say on whether someone or something is inherently good or bad. Judgments close us down instead of opening us up; opinions have a lighter quality and are amenable to change. Once a judgment has been made, there is no more conversation or consideration, whereas opinions invite further debate. Intuition guides us from moment to moment, but, unlike judgment, never makes a final decree. In other words, it is only healthy to be open to the information we receive and to allow ourselves to process that information. As long as we stay open and fluid, we can trust that we have not fallen prey to the trap of judgment.


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This was in my inbox this morning...and I will do my best to keep it in mind this weekend.

I am attending my first play party since FLOG last summer this weekend. I am going to be playing also (as of right now thats in the plans...lol) Yes, the man I will be playing with knows Im back to beginner status, and he has many years of experience and is well known and respected around BDSM circles nationwide.No,Im not naming names. I am in good hands, thats all you need to know. :P

I am worried that I will be listening to the language and feel the need to express my very strong opinions..which border on judgement at times. BDSM is not healthy...for ME. Those submissives who choose to give up power and do all those things for their Doms...they CHOOSE that. Just as I chose to take some time away from BDSM. Just as I have chosen to not attend munches and such. Just as I have made the choice to NOT submit. If I want them to respect my choices and opinions, I must respect *their* opinions and choices.

I will still bring that clothespin for my tongue, I think. ;)