Jealousy

"Jealousy is simply and clearly the fear that you do not have value. Jealousy scans for evidence to prove the point - that others will be preferred and rewarded more than you. There is only one alternative - self-value. If you cannot love yourself, you will not believe that you are loved. You will always think it's a mistake or luck. Take your eyes off others and turn the scanner within. Find the seeds of your jealousy, clear the old voices and experiences. Put all the energy into building your personal and emotional security. Then you will be the one others envy, and you can remember the pain and reach out to them."
~Jennifer James

Found this while searching for an image of jealousy. I really like it.
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All I can think of is how last weekend he was fed up with her...shed gotten drunk..said he didnt think hed be seeing her anymore.

Or maybe thats what I heard.

Tonight she was back.

Why do I let this bother me? I still have feelings for him. He does not "love" me. Do I even know what the fuck that means?

Love does not mean wanting to spend every last friggin second of the day with someone. Love does not mean doing everything together..or being in sync all the time. I dont know what it is...but I know...that no man has ever given it to me. No man has told me he loves me. Ive never been anyones anything.

I need to figure out why that matters to me so goddamn much. Is it because I was given up for adoption? Is it because somwhere in my mind that means I am unworthy?

All my life I have sought approval from others...so the pattern continues.If I was good enough, did this right, said this, acted that way, I would be loved. If I screwed up...I was unlovable, horrible, totally worthless.

And how do I find love...when I cant even love myself.

I know that is the key.

But how does one get from point A to point B.

And can I accomplish it...before I die. So I dont end up alone.

I know my niece would prolly help take care of me...and she has already said shed write my obituary for me.

I just dont want to die without having lived.

And I am slowly realizing that I havent done much living in my soon to be 41 years. Because I have let fear hold me back.