I never want to do this again...

For anyone..anyone who is still mocking our reaction to "2 inches of snow" (even you, Jon Stewart, though the part about what our governor and Atlanta Mayor were doing during this crisis was priceless) I'd like to say a big F YOU.

Tuesday morning I awoke to a cloudy day and much anxiety. I knew there was snow in the forecast, but it was maybe possibly going to stay south of I-20 so wouldnt hit where I live (how they can cut off the snow/ice line so sharply, I have no idea) I looked at 11 Alive's post on Facebook, and their forecast had changed from when I went to bed. It had now moved the snow line north, and all of Atlanta was in white. 1-2 inches was expected. Which..usually means we get flurries. Its happened twice in the past month. So, perhaps there was a bit of apathy and "cry wolf" syndrome. Schools were open, except for Cherokee County which is northwest of us. The forecast had been changed around 3:45 am. Plenty of time for schools to decide to close and for GDOT to move what snow equipment we have more towards the city from where it had been sent further south (due to the forecast the day before calling for conditions to be worse in South Georgia). I proceeded with my day, going to my pet appointments, talking with one owner to make arrrangements for his neighbor to come check on the kitties in the little house with the space heater on low- at this point we were more concerned with the cold temps than the snow. And, it was just snow on our minds- which can be driven in without problems..roads can be sanded and salted and plowed...no problem. I drove back home around 11:30 am. Teeny tiny snowflakes had started falling around 11, and by 11:45 they were big fluffy flakes falling fast. It was starting to stick on the grass and the streets were wet in some areas. 

I watched the noon news to see what they were forecasting now. I was watching 11 Alive because Chris Holcomb has a soothing voice and tends to be more matter of fact than sensationalized, especially during bad weather. He was saying it was going to be 1-2 inches (at this time- 12:15 or so- some schools were closing early-at 1pm) and was concerned about the temps falling. They had reports from GDOT- we are ready- our trucks can easily be moved closer...we're going to wait and see. (I dont recall hearing anything from Dekalb County or Fulton County as for their plans...just GDOT) 

Wait and see...

Wait and see resulted in the mess you see in the photo above. 

Around 12pm or so people started leaving their offices and schools and such- parents to go pick up kids at school or get home to meet them. Hundreds of thousands of cars on the roads- interstates and local roads soon became congested. Within 90 minutes...THIS is what it looks like.

90 minutes for a city to become completely incapacitated.

Unfortunately...I had to get to a couple pet appointments. Fortunately, my routes did not involve any interstates. Unfortunately, there were other drivers on the roads I did take. Either we were moving about an inch every few minutes, or once I got to the open roads- driving as if nothing was happening (meaning driving their usual bat out of hell ways on slick snowy roads) A friend of mine from Missouri who now lives in Birmingham (which had their own version of a shutdown- only they have much less snow equipment and less people) had posted some tips for driving in snow earlier (their snow started around 8 or 9 am) and I had called up all my Missouri winter driving skills in my brain, so I felt prepared. (sort of)I had added gas to my car earlier that day. One thing I hadnt done was make sure my cell phone was fully charged. I had meant to plug it in when I came home for lunch but got caught up in the news. I figured I would just charge it when I got my pet sitting clients home. First mistake.

I left home a little before 1pm, heading to East Atlanta/ Kirkwood area- usually a 20 minute drive. It took me 2 hours to get there. When I got there, my client was home- her work had closed down. She sent me texts but my phone had died an hour ago so I didnt get them. I spent some time with her and her dogs and charged my phone. I had stopped to grab some yogurt and other snacks at a little market on my way- because I also didnt eat-other than a pear when I got home at 11:30. 2nd mistake.

My phone charged, I petted the dogs and watched 11Alive. Things- the streets, the temps, everything...was going downhill fast. I decided to go see my last client (the kitties in the little house) which was just a couple miles from her in Avondale Estates then head home. It was around 3:45 now. I drove to my other clients home without incident. I got disoriented at one point as to where his street was (snow, panic, possibly low blood sugar) so I pulled into a QuikTrip to get recentered and reoriented. I looked at my gas gauge- it said 3/4 of a tank. I decided to add another $10 to the tank- just shy of full now. I headed to the kitties.

I turned on the space heater, fed them, plugged my phone in to charge it more. Gave the birds some more birdseed (they knew s*it was getting real and were stocking up- had emptied the small feeder that had been full that morning on my first visit) I called the cats owner- telling him what was going on. I said I would give them extra food because it probably would be the afternoon before I could get back. He had me bring a key to the neighbor so he could come in and turn on the heater for the cats. At that point we were both thinking of just snow..roads would be cleared better by afternoon, no problems.I ate some yogurt and headed back home.

My first trip resulted in me just getting a few miles down Memorial and having to turn around because it was blocked by cars unable to get up the hill. I headed to Candler Rd to College to Dekalb to Moreland. I got to about 2 miles from home before once again, cars blocked the road and there was an accident farther ahead. I wound my way back over to Clifton Rd- a street I thought would be fine because Emory Hospital was on it, so it must be a priority right? Nope. Same thing, cars blocking it and by now the snowy slush was freezing so roads were getting slicker- a couple miles from my home. Turned around again, last route I could think of, Clairmont to N. Druid Hills to Lavista to home.I had to pee. Passed a gas station but did not stop. 3rd mistake. I ate the rest of a pear I had begun eating. All I had left was goat cheese- planned to fix something with it for supper.

In hindsight- I could have walked home from both these spots. But I was so focused on DRIVING home that didnt enter my mind. I should also add, I had seen only 1 salt truck of any kind- and it was a pickup- private contractor probably- with a spreader attached to his tailgate. I had only seen evidence of any pre-treatment on Memorial Dr where there was some sand.

I got to the dip on Clairmont between N. Decatur Rd and N. Druid Hills by the VA Hospital. (again shouldnt hospital streets be more of a priority? It was in Jeff City and St Louis! But, perhaps since the VA doesnt have an Emergency Room, they dont think so)Cars lined both directions. Cars stalled everywhere in my direction and an accident in the other. People were starting to get out and walk. Leaving their cars as close to the side as they could. This was after 7 pm. I'd left the kitties around 5:45pm. My phone was again almost out of juice. A car charger does not work in my car for some reason so I dont have one (need to get this looked at) I had to pee much worse. I thought about getting out and going to the die, but there were tons of people around and no place to hide. So..in desperation I grabbed the pile of rags behind my seat, put them under me, pulled down my jeans and went. I had been holding it so long I couldnt go at first. Finally-relief, which eased my panic a bit.

  A guy in a Jeep pulled up ahead. He got out and walked ahead out of my sight. Another guy in a 4WD stopped and got out. I thought- YES- rednecks- thats what we need! I was missing my Missouri guys with their pickups and plows and chains. Soon..slowly we started moving. I spun a bit... hot tires melting snow+ below freezing temps =ice...I had been inching a bit forward, keeping moving every few minutes just the slightest bit because I remembered this might happen. A Marta bus was stuck up ahead (it was not the cause of the problem- it was the cars farther up the hill that had spun out and crashed that was) the redneck guys were putting salt and sand and trying to free it. They helped the cars ahead of me that were spinning to get up the hill. I shifted into L and gunned it. I stopped halfway up and a lady was yelling at people to GO!GO!GO! Dont stop!! I worked my way around a car ahead taht was spinning and soon was clear. Big breath! Got to N. Druid Hills and cried at the stoplight. Here the road was just snowy. I shifted to 2 and slowly pressed the gas and turned. Phew, ok, Lavista...the HOME stretch! I AM GOING TO MAKE IT! slow going but just snow on this road. Turned slowly onto Briarcliff. ALMOST THERE!! Got going a bit too fast and slid past the street I wanted to turn on. Hit my brakes...ABS kicked in..I was sliding ! FUCK! Cant wreck Now. TAKE YOUR FOOT OFF THE BRAKES! a voice inside screamed. I did. Car stopped. I started shaking and crying. Oh my that was scary as hell. I slowly backed up and truned onto BriarVista Terrace- the next street over from my house.I parked in front of a friend of my landlady's house. I was shaking and crying. I paused and thanked and even kissed my little car for getting me home safely. I walked home.

Safe and sound...I made it up that driveway to my warm cozy home.

A Yama a Day...

Keeps suffering away.

Or at least thats the idea. 

In Patanjali's Yoga Sutra, there are 8 limbs of Yoga. Yamas (restraint- usually outward-how we behave in the world) and Niyamas (inner- relating to self, how we view the world) are the first two, and are the foundation for the Yogic life. I recall my teacher Yoganand telling us in YTT that they were not "Thou Shalt Not", they were more "If you follow these guidelines, your life will be easier. If you dont, you will have lots of suffering."

The Yamas are :

Ahimsa- non harming to self and others

Asteya- non-stealing

Satya- Truth- non lying

Brahmacharya- moderation- being mindful of how you spend your energy

Aparigraha- non grasping, non attachment

The Niyamas are:

Saucha- purity, cleanliness, of body and mind

Santosha- contentment

Tapas- discipline

Swadhyaya- self study, also study of scriptures

Ishvara-Pranidhana- Surrender to the Divine

Seems simple enough...

In YTT we were told to explore these ethical guidelines- to take one and spend a day, or a week studying this concept, how we apply it to our daily life, our practice, our relationships. 

I sucked at this. As a matter of fact, if you read my journal from YTT, thats about all I wrote about the Yamas and Niyamas. How much I sucked at applying them in my daily life. 

Recently while looking through my journal I decided that I had really short changed myself by spending all that time in self judgement. I hadnt learned a thing about practicing these guidelines. Basically, I hadnt done the assignment. I jokingly asked my teacher if he wanted my certificate back.

So, recalling what we did in YTT, I wrote each out on a piece of paper, folded it up and placed it in a bowl. Each day I would draw out one and spend the day exploring it, and seeing where I applied it, and where I could still use some work. I vowed to not be judgmental, to use this as a time of self discovery and growth, not another chance to beat myself into the ground.

The first day, I drew Swadhyaya. Self study- an appropriate word to begin with. That was the purpose of this exercise. To study myself, gain knowledge of myself. I spent the day studying...my reactions, my emotions, and how they felt in my body, this "hunger" I have felt recently that really isnt a hunger for food, but it manifests itself as such, and I have been eating more than usual. And gained more weight recently. I spent the day in the "Witness" just noticing myself. With compassion. 

The next day I drew Brahmacharya- moderation- being mindful of how you spend your energy. Some say this means only celibacy, but I was taught by my teachers that it includes all energy, your money, food, how you spend your time as well as your sexual energy. This one was tougher. While I still held onto the Witness, I had lots of chalana- inner or emotional churning- around money.What I spent my money on,how much I spent. Also how I yelled at the traffic, and the stoplights, time spent on Facebook, mindlessly clicking and refreshing the page. I lapsed into judgment at times, at times, yelling at myself for not doing better. Yeah, lots of stuff here. At the end of the day though, there was less judgment, and more self discovery and knowledge about my patterns. And again, compassion. Recalling what Swami Kripalu says- "We are only required to practice yama and niyama to the best of our capacity." *This* was my capacity for practicing Brahmacharya at this time in my life.

Next up was Ahimsa- non- harming to self and others. Again...and at times, surprisingly...there was compassion for myself. If the judge started, the Wise Woman said "Stop, she's doing her best. You are not allowed to bully her." And, the inner child a few times even spoke up and said "No. You are wrong. I am not horrible because I did this, or didnt do that." (yes, I have many different parts that I am in touch with) When I bought something, I stopped and thought if spending that money was harming myself, now or in the future. If what I was buying was good for me, nourishing to body or soul. As I felt compassion for myself..I found myself feeling compassion for others. Even letting people in ahead of me in traffic..and...even stopping for pedestrians entering the crosswalk. A rare occurrence for me, but something I am working on getting better at. 

Next up was Satya- truth. As I went through my day I stopped to think many times if what my mind was telling me was true. Was I truly hungry, did I really need to eat more, was my self talk true, or was it just story- the same old story Ive told about Christine for years. And if so, is that story true still?Again, compassion reigned. Very little judgment.

Next up...well..things went a bit downhill with this one. Aparigraha- non grasping, non attachment. And all my churning was again related to money. I had had 2 pet sitting clients forget to pay me before they left town. I was feeling very anxious about money (funny, just 2 days before this I had told someone I was good for money, I had enough...because that was where my head was at the moment, I have enough. But this day, it was in lack and fear) and so, I found myself grasping at every cent. Grasping at the money I didnt have-that they hadnt paid me, but owed me, and at one point I caught myself grasping and complaining about the lack of that money...while holding onto cash from a check I had just cashed...all caught up in lack, as I held $46 in my hand. I had money. I had food at home. I had gas in my car. I *had* enough. But I was grasping at what I didnt have. With this realization, came a flood of compassion for myself. For the part of me that always feels lack and fear. Even when there is plenty.

I am learning that in order to practice all of these, we must first practice Ahimsa. And have compassion for ourselves. And remember, we dont have to get it 'right" ,we just have to do it. Over and over. 

That's why they call it practice.

Move it...or lose it...

This has been on my mind a lot recently. My dad was taken to the hospital this past Sunday because he was having severe back spasms and was unable to move his legs. Tests were normal, no injuries or structural (skeletal) cause for his symptoms. According to mom the doctors said they were due to inactivity and obesity.

My dad weighs over 250 pounds. Probably closer to 300 or 350. For at least the past 10 years, he has spent much of his time sitting in his La-Z-Boy recliner/lift chair. For the past year, his activity level has greatly decreased, and a few months ago, he began to use a walker to get around. He is 75.

He has been plagued by back problems, muscle spasms, arthritis and chronic back pain for most of his life. I have seen it wear him down slowly and steadily. I recall once he and I talked about the need to keep moving (this was years before I started yoga, I think it was back when I was a nurse) and he replied "Its hard to move when all you feel is pain." I couldnt argue with that. And I can still see his point, having had some of my own struggles with pain and inactivity in the past year. Our tendency when hurting, and I believe this is animal instinct, is to stay still, to not risk reinjuring ourselves, to allow our bodies time to heal and rest. The trick is to not stay still too long.

It used to be the recommended treatment for back pain was rest. Now it is a mix of rest and gentle stretching, with a gradual return to regular activity and a focus on building core strength and good posture and body mechanics.

Doctors and physical therapists have recognized that complete bedrest only serves to weaken muscles and actually makes pain worse.

Watching my dad slowly lose his ability to do for himself, to become more and more still, frozen, stiff...it has been hard for me. And hard on him too. He has worked most of his life at very physical jobs. He was a mechanic for over 40 years, and did odd jobs as well as that, all manual labor. He also had a pretty rough childhood, emotional and physical abuse. His body, I am sure, is worn out. Add in the emotional/ energetic wear and tear, and yes, you end up with a body full of pain and a man who seems to have given up on himself.

This morning during yoga class, I started to have some shoulder and back pain. I started to check out of class, to stop following-which has been my normal routine lately- these poses dont work for my body so I'll do something else for awhile, I'll catch up later. I went into child's pose- my go-to check out pose. I breathed there a few breaths, then a voice inside said "Keep moving. Move your 45 yr old self, for your 75 yr old self. You must keep going." I visualized myself at 75. How did I want to be? I wanted to be moving, doing yoga, still active. Tears flowed. "Im going to move, for my future self. And for Dad." I reminded myself that I didnt have to become still and in pain. I didnt have to take on his pain. And I had a body that could still move quite well, though sometimes it does get a little painful to do so.

I mentally and physically reconnected with the class, with what the teacher was instructing. I began to meet whatever pain and stiffness I felt with compassion. When my pelvis wobbled and felt very out of whack and unstable in Upper Body Triangle, I went into it, and asked what do you need to feel stable? How can I help? A little engagement of inner thigh muscles and lower abdominal muscles helped. I made a vow to schedule a yoga therapy session in the next week to work on this. ( and I did after class) While attending a workshop on assisting where it was brought to my attention that in Utkatasana my hips and pelvis went way over to one side (consequently I always feel very unstable in this pose)and where I referred to my pelvis as being crooked several times, I realized, that this was just continuing the story, reinforcing the "crookedness". I vowed to stop referring to my pelvis in that way. Its just a pelvis. :-)

As we were going into Savasana, the teacher said for us to let go of anything we were telling ourselves about our practice, about our abilities, about ourselves. Just let it go.

I let go of my story that I wasnt strong because I cant hold downward dog for very long anymore. I let go of the story that my body was deformed. Crooked. I let go of the fact that twists feel very uncomfortable for me right now when I used to love them so.

I just wish I could bring that ability to let that story go to my dad.  I wish I could help him find ways to move that dont hurt. I wish I could help him see that life is worth living. I wish I knew how to give support without being pushy. Cause I really want to go there and talk to his doctors and direct his care, and find him a good PT person, and maybe a home health aide so mom doesnt have to work so much -I tried that a couple years ago and it caused a huge uproar. To say my parents are a bit stubborn is a great understatement. :-)

Feeling quite out of the loop from 700+ miles away.

I know this is part of being a 40 something with aging parents.

How to convince someone who has known mostly pain for most of his life, that he must keep moving, that he will feel better if he keeps moving, when his experience has been the opposite-moving hurts...that is a difficult task.

Yoga-It's not about the poses

My current rant...and I apologize if this offends anyone. It's just where I am right now...fueled by a bit of disillusionment and grief. And, change.

Recently I have been becoming more and more dissatisfied with the yoga classes Ive taken or observed parts of.  They seem to be more about the poses, moving our body, usually in a quick flow, with very little thought given to breath or alignment or feeling. And sometimes safety. Very little centering, mostly just move here, move here, move this, move that, faster now, ok, cool down, Savasana.

Bleh.

And sadly, these seem to be the most popular classes.

I worry Im becoming a yoga snob. And maybe I am a bit biased.

But, mostly, I think Im just realizing that for me, yoga is not just about moving my body from one pose to another. It is about going inside, into my body, feeling and breathing into my tight hamstrings (left tighter than right usually) and letting them be tight. Its about sitting and breathing on my mat, and feeling my breath go from being shallow and erratic to smooth and deep in the course of 1 hour.It is about loving my slightly crooked pelvis and learning to adjust some poses to accommodate it. Its about learning to love my sometimes wobbly Warrior as much as I love the strong steady powerful one. Its about hearing an explanation of a pose of I've been doing for 6 years now and finally truly *getting* it. It is about spending several breaths in a pose because it feels sooo good. Its about staying in Legs Up the Wall long enough for my body to fully relax and my thoughts to slow down, even just for a few seconds. Its about feeling my heart burst open and tears of gratitude flow in Supported Fish.

It is not about how fast I can do Sun Salutations. It is not about how much I sweat. It is not about being sore the next day from that "kick ass yoga class" I took.

There have been exceptions...wonderful exceptions...mainly from 2 fellow Pranakriya teachers. One a recent graduate of the Atlanta 200 hr training and the other my teacher who recently returned to leading a weekly class. Both of these classes had something the others didnt. Body awareness. Anatomical details and languaging that created a deeper and different experience. Centering, spending a few minutes at the beginning of class to allow students to *arrive* inside, instead of getting right to the movement. Inviting students to listen to their bodies, to modify or ask for help with modifications if a pose didnt work for them.Or to do what feels right, even if its a different pose than what the class is doing. Breathing with movement...breathing into the movement. Breathing into the stillness.

I crave this deeper Yoga, the Yoga I love, the Yoga that has taught me to Love myself, even the dark side of myself.

The Yoga that has taught me everything is okay, even it feels like it isnt.

Containing vs stuffing

A couple weeks ago I had a moment of feeling extremely angry at someone, and holding that anger in. Ive been working a lot with not reacting when I feel anger flare up, practicing my Yoga and breathing, and BRFWA (Breathe,Relax, Feel Watch and Allow) something my teacher William taught me. Sometimes I am successful, sometimes I do react and end up hurting others, and myself.

 In the type of Yoga I practice and teach, we talk about strengthening the container-ourselves- to contain all our energy, and the energy we raise during our sometimes intense practices. Pranakriya yoga churns you, its designed to bring up your stuff, so it can be healed. Emotions are just different forms of energy. Many times during class, and especially during YTT, strong emotions, old wounds would surface. My teachers taught how to breathe into and be with these times. Stepping back into the Witness, we can get out of the tangle of emotions, feel what we are feeling...allow ourselves to feel it, acknowledge our pain, and allow that pain to flow through and out of us.

 I can recall during YTT one of my groupmates said Yoganand and her had talked about crying, and that he said something to the effect that crying was expending the energy and that we should learn to contain it. (not his exact words- I cant recall them now almost 2 years later) I remember thinking, and saying to her that that sounded too much like stuffing emotions and that I disagreed with it.


 A couple weeks ago when having my anger flaring, I did breathe and contain it...but felt kind of like I was stuffing it. I recalled my conversation during YTT and wondered what the difference was between containing and stuffing. I know this is something I have struggled with, knowing when I am containing and when I am just stuffing, as I have done most of my life, having grown up in a house where emotions, especially anger, were not allowed to be expressed.

 I contemplated this most of the morning, and came up with these answers. YMMV :-)

 Stuffing is when you do not allow yourself to have or feel emotions. You try any way possible- sex, drugs, booze, food, TV,exercise...etc to distract yourself and numb the emotion. You view emotions as weakness, evil, or bad.

 Containing is allowing yourself to feel...but not reacting from those emotional states. Emotions come up, you notice them- "Hey, I'm feeling really angry right now". You breathe (even just for 10 seconds works!) you feel, you notice where you're feeling, what you're feeling, and maybe you even delve a bit deeper into why you're feeling what you're feeling. But you still don't react from that place.

 Containing has the element of The Witness- being able to step out of what we're feeling, all the while still feeling it, and just noticing it, noticing what is going on, in our mind, in our body, and in our heart.

 Stuffing has no Witness. There is only the Judge. Only shame at feeling what we are feeling, and blame- usually at someone else for "making" us feel that way. Total victim mentality.

 Containing is healthy. No victim here. Only a mature, responsible person in touch with themselves.

 Stuffing only hurts us, and if we stuff enough, we eventually either explode, or become so hard and numb that we dont feel *anything*.

 Especially Joy and Love.

 So grateful for this path.

Alarming compassion

Deeply affected by tonight's experience at The Gateway Center. Got a last minute call from William asking if I was available to help, or at least accompany a fellow YTTer- Hank to tonights yoga class. I had gotten off work at the acupuncture office early, so I was available, and said yes.

William was nursing a bit of a sore throat, so he was staying in, it was just Hank and myself going. We discussed on the way who was going to lead what- did I want to even lead, or just help out. I said Id like to do the opening centering and some warmups. We had 90 minutes to fill, so we divided it up 45 minutes each. I had no idea what warmups I was going to do, no real plan, other than beginning with the "Breathing in, I know I am breathing in. Breathing out, I know I am breathing out" meditation I had led Sunday in my practice teach. But deep down, I knew something would come and Id do okay. :-)

A bit of background here- The Gateway Center is a local non profit organization- which is working to end homelessness in Atlanta. From their website www.gatewayctr.org : "We are Atlanta's largest and most comprehensive provider of services to the homeless.The Gateway Center provides 254 spaces for men and 43 for women who enter into programs geared to address the underlying reasons for their homelessness, such as unemployment, addictions, mental illness or domestic abuse. The Gateway Center is filled to capacity nearly every day of the year, and frequently over 100 women and children are provided emergency overnight shelter by way of a sleeping mat on the floor of our lobby. Including those people who turn to the Gateway Center for point in time services (bathrooms and showers, laundry, clothing), we serve over 500 people every day."

Every Wednesday, William teaches a 90 minute yoga class to the homeless veterans there- they have a whole floor of the building dedicated to the vets. The men stay there up to 2 years, getting back on their feet, getting jobs, getting help with whatever they need.

When we arrived- we called the contact person to let us in. We walked to the back door of the building and were met by a staff member who opened the door. At that moment,the fire alarm started going off. Not sure if it was a drill, or a real fire, the staff person told us to please follow the others outside, and began to calmly and efficiently start to evacuate the building.

More background...at night, the lobby of the building is opened to women and children as an emergency shelter. They come in off the streets, have a meal, receive clothing, and other things they need. They lay out mats for them to sleep on at night. They are safe and off the streets for the night. I dont know what happens the next day, have only been there twice now. Tonight I actually spent time with them, instead of just glancing at them as I walked through the building. I had noticed as we were walking outside that many of the children did not have heavy coats. Some had no coat. Others, even small children had no mittens or hats or gloves. At first I thought they just didnt have time to grab them. But when we went back inside later, I did not see any by them. Standing outside, in my nice warm parka, and my nice warm fur lined hat, I realized how truly blessed I am. And I heard a voice inside me say "I have to do something. I want to do something to help them." As I stood there, I asked the angels to please wrap their wings around everyone. It was a start. Then I began to think of what I could do. How could I help. Maybe start a drive for coats and mittens and such at Jai Shanti. Still 2 weeks left before the studio closes, I could get a box together and put up signs. I could do this. No child should not have a warm coat.

After the "all clear" was given, we went back inside- again, I was impressed with the staff, only 2 women directing and controlling the people, who were a bit unruly as the time went on- it was very cold out, and many either didnt have time to grab them, or really didnt have coats or blankets or anything very warm on. As we stood in the lobby waiting for the staff to say it was okay for us to go upstairs, I looked around at the women and children getting ready to bed down for the night. There werent many blankets around. They had sheets, and a few pillows here and there. I kept coming back to the blankets. No blankets? Even inside, at night it would get cold. I could not imagine being able to sleep with just a sheet over me. On a concrete floor, on a mat just a few inches thick. Again I thought, what can I do?

We went upstairs and got the room ready for the yoga class. 5 men joined us, many of them asked questions throughout the class, about the benefits of yoga, about breathing, about alternative treatments. They were eager to learn, eager for their bodies to be more limber, for their minds to be calmer. It was a joy to hear their questions, and to share my own experiences with yoga and pain relief and many other benefits I have received in the past 4 almost 5 years of practice. Throughout the class, my mind kept returning to the lobby, those women and children with very few blankets to go around. What could I do? How could I help?

The class ended, Hank and I found someone to let us out. We spoke with him a bit about what they needed, if they had blankets- yes, but could always use more he said- what things he felt they could use. He replied "Clothing always, especially for children, hand towels and washcloths, razors, soap, coats- especially for children, hygiene products."

My mind started turning again. Picturing a box, (or boxes!!) at Jai Shanti, filled to overflowing with coats, hats, mittens, clothing, blankets and supplies to be given to the Gateway Center.

Going to put those boxes out to be filled tomorrow. :-)

Feeling very blessed.To have a warm home to come to, warm clothing, food in my belly, loved ones, and that I have a heart, which every once in awhile opens up, and asks "What can I do to help?"

On Grieving and going forth

There are 5 stages of grief, I learned in nursing school years ago, and I have been going through all of them. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/K%C3%BCbler-Ross_model (blogger's hyperlink insert thingy wasnt working)


No, I havent lost a loved one, well, not a family member...*sighs* though it does seem just as hard.

My beloved Jai Shanti- the yoga studio where I have spent much of the past 2 almost 3 years doing some major transformation is closing as of December 20th. I had felt it coming-had even made the comment twice in the past month that I was grieving what hadnt gone. In my head Jai Shanti was already gone.

Till last Tuesday it stayed just in my head. There was a possibility-in my mind- that it wouldnt really happen.Then last Tuesday William sat me down and gave me the news I had feared. That he was closing the studio. That YTT would continue till the end- wouldnt make sense to close before moneywise nor would it be very stable for us students to not have a space to call home.

Surprisingly, when he told me, I was okay with it. I knew that he had been expanding his teaching to workshops around the country and overseas and was starting another YTT and other trainings in the next year...he was wanting to move on. And I also knew the studio had been struggling to make ends meet- people just did not seem to want to come to classes, or were so sporadic in their attandance, there wasnt a very steady income. **rant warning** Fucking economy fucking Atlanta yoga people who would rather do fucking hotpowerfuckingBikrammakemyassandabslookhot yoga than get to know themselves and actually love those abs and ass just the way they are or spend time in a community filled with people who offer unconditional love and acceptance.*sighs*

Ok, not much of a rant, but thats the basic idea...and really, anger and blaming someone isnt very effective. Its not going to make William change his mind, not going to make people come to the studio, not going to keep Jai Shanti open. It will only hurt me.

And make it even harder to let go. Tuesday I was fine, I had reached acceptance, so when he told me, I was not surprised or shocked. Then, sometime Tuesday night and Wednesday morning reality set in. And I moved into the depression phase of grief. I also think there should be a fear phase, cuz thats where Ive been. Where will I go, what will I do, who will I still see? My friends and support system are mostly people I met at Jai Shanti. Will they disappear when it closes? Where will I go to practice yoga, where will I feel safe enough to spend 20 minutes in childs pose crying my sadness out because thats what my body and heart need at that moment? Where will I dance? Where will I play? What will my life be like without Jai Shanti in it?

I have had moments of courage- that this is a chance for me to take the lessons I have learned there into the world- or at least my world- and give that same unconditional love and acceptance to my students and others. To teach others to love and accept themselves as I have learned to do during my time at Jai Shanti. A chance to take the Light of Jai Shanti into the world.

But then the fear returns. The largeness of the hole I feel will be left when Jai Shanti is no longer in my life seems as wide and deep as the Grand Canyon.

And I am scared of falling over the edge.

The Journey to YTT

4 years ago (about the time I last posted in here, it seems...lol) I started practicing yoga. I went with a friend to this gentle class led by a physical therapist and yoga teacher. I had just quit smoking and wanted something to help me deal with the stress of nicotine withdrawal.

The first class I was amazed at what I could do, me, an out of shape, overweight, just recently quit smoking person who would go for short walks, but otherwise hadn't exercised in years. After the class,I felt both relaxed and energized- 2 things I could not recall EVER feeling together. I wanted more. A few classes alter, I made the comment to my teacher that someday I wanted to teach this to others because it was such an amazing experience.

Well, someday has arrived. The seed was planted back in 2007, began to germinate in 2009 when I came to Jai Shanti and met some amazing people who were in the training that year, as well as William (formerly known as Bill or Mr Bill on here)the owner. Earlier this year the seed sprouted. In January I wrote in my journal "Im really feeling drawn to YTT this year. Im feeling stronger than I ever have in my body and mind. I think its time. I see 2 obstacles to this happening. Money-how will I pay for it? And my fear of expressing myself in front of others."

Both those things were resolved 5 months later. The way to pay came, and along the way I learned that I *can* discipline myself and do what I need to do to achieve a goal. And that I can *set* goals. Something I really hadnt done ever before in my life.

I participated in a project/presentation at Jai Shanti called The Unity Project. It was designed around celebrating the Summer Solstice and the Divine Feminine. We all developed over 8 weeks personal stories, poems, skits, songs which showed our interpretation/interaction with the Divine Feminine in our lives. I wrote a poem "The Woman I am" At first- and for the first 3 weeks, I had nothing to share, I wasnt sure I belonged in the group-everyone else seemed so much more experessive than me, some worked in theater, some sang in choirs, otehrs were just way more outgoing. How could I- who could hardly find the courage to ask for what she needed from the world, stand up in front of these people and tell her story- which I hadnt even written yet? Then I watched this video

Wow. The ending was what got to me. The girl owning her emotions, letting the world see- no- DEMANDING the world allow her to express them. It is what makes girls girls. What make sus humans, as opposed to objects or property. I was inspired to rewrite a poem I had written "The Woman I Am". Over the next 3 weeks, this poem evolved...it wrote me...I was awakened at 4 am with words that just HAD to be written. I felt possessed by someone, something else. This is the result:

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The Woman I Am

I am a woman who is facing her fears and choosing to not let them overpower her

I am a woman who stands on her own 2 feet, and is learning to stand on her hands

I am a woman who believes in angels and calls on them regularly for help, for myself and others

I am a woman who talks to the animals, trees, sun, moon, creeks and rivers and listens for their answers and lessons

I am a woman who howls at the moon, and knows the moon smiles and howls back

I am a woman who is healing her wounded inner child, and discovering the Goddess within

I am a woman who dances around a bonfire, letting the drums awaken and enliven her body

I am a woman who wishes she could wrap her arms around the world and give it a big warm hug. And sometimes I try

I am a woman who plays the tambourine and dances like nobody’s watching. And sometimes like everybody's watching!

I am a woman who is working to forgive and heal her past, and in doing so, is healing her future

I am a woman who is inspired by other Divine Feminine beings in my life. My 4 yr old artist friend who paints purple suns and blue sharks swimming in the sky. A 42 yr old curvy yogini who reminds me to giggle and to breathe into the goodness I am. A 20 something pop star who tells me I am a Firework and encourages me to let my colors burst.Another who tells me I am perfect. A 50 yr old single mother who has lived all over the world, who inspires me to live and express myself more fully because it really doesn’t matter what anybody else thinks. My 72 yr old mother who could bear no children of her own, but sacrificed much to raise those of others, who taught me about cooking and coupons and stretching my food dollar. And all the yoga teachers who have touched my life, who remind me to breathe and who have helped me to see that I am strong, beautiful and can do more than I think I can.


I am a woman who cries, because I am happy, sad, angry, anxious, grateful, releasing some past hurt, or because the sky is so beautifully blue, the sunrise so breathtaking, or the moon so big and bright. Or a million other reasons. And I love those tears.

I am a woman who is choosing to be happy. Because she has grown tired of being sad

I am a woman who is discovering who she is, and who she is not

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Writing that poem was an affirmation of me. Standing in that room, in front of those people, saying- this is me. Baring my heart and soul to them, to the Universe, and saying, this is me, and I dont care what you think...wow. So empowering.

I found my voice...

The money had come...

I had turned in my application...

It was happening...it was *all* happening...

Just when I think Ive found confidence

It disappears. Or at least gets hidden.

Last November I attended a transformational breathwork class. I was somewhat reluctant to go but my favorite yoga teacher William said I *really* should go, so I did. And I am very glad I did, because it was a very transformational experience. A couple issues came up for me, big ones- my willingness to live and my birth mother.A very strong voice said "I want to be here!"- affirming that I do want to live, and that I belong here. Here as in on earth and alive. For many years I have struggled with depression and occasional suicidal thoughts.I have had this feeling deep inside that I didnt belong here, that I was a mistake and was unworthy of living. So to have this voice come from deep inside saying "I WANT TO BE HERE!!" was a pretty big thing.I felt affirmed as a human, affirmed that I do belong and am worthy of existing.

Then my birth mother came up. I wondered what it was like inside her. This was triggered by the fetal heart tones in the music the instructor was playing. I wondered what she felt, what she thought, did she want me? What did I feel from her? As I wondered if she wanted me, I felt the sense that she didnt want me. This brought some sadness, but the "I want to be here!" came up and got louder and louder. I wondered if she loved me. I wondered if she had gotten to hold me before having to give me up. I wodnered if I had touched her, if we had bonded. I visualized, and brought my hand up to touch her face. I felt a wave of love- pure, bright warm love- come back. I smiled and sent out some love to my birth mother,wherever she is.

After that class, for months I felt more solid, more "me" It wavered a bit off and on, but deep down there was still that solidness.

For the last 2 weeks it had gone, or at least Im not feeling it as strongly. It is still there, I did feel it Christmas week when I locked myself out of the Newfies house and also when my car doors were frozen and I figured out how to get them open. Deep down I knew that even though these problems were here, Id be okay and could come up with solutions.

For some reason, I now have this awkward,very uncomfortable in my skin feeling. I hold back from asking for want I want, from saying things I want to say, I dismiss my feelings as being too sensitive or just my distorted perception. I find it hard to relax.

I just dont know what happened to make that go away. I know I shouldnt get attached to the feelings, but, I cannot recall ever feeling that way in my entire life, so it is very hard not to.

I just today increased my St John's Wort, not sure if its my depression or just what. Im trying to think of it as growing pains, and that on the other side is something much better, that solid feeling coming back, maybe? I just dont know.

You *can* go home again

And when you do, you'll find some things have changed and others have stayed the same.

Changes- me- able to speak up and present a different opinion to others, especially to those whom have never allowed me to express my opinion on things. And they actually listened!

My parents house. Except the basement and bedrooms. The kitchen, dining room, bathrooms and living room are all different.Positive changes. They are pleased with them too. Never thought theyd be happy changing something. But they are.

The same- my dad's temper. And its ability to reduce me to a bundle of nerves. Unpredictable- he blows up once...is it over? Or is he just getting started? Will he drive everyone away this time? I felt myself actually zoning out, shutting down, not wanting to be there for what might come next. Luckily nothing more came. But I was triggered, and had to go out and pet the cat and breathe to get calmed down.

My parents stubborness. And their inability to see it. They can recognize it in others, and whoo-boy, can they criticize it. But cant see their own flaws. Oh, wait, if we dont talk about things, they dont exist. So, if I dont admit I have flaws and am stubborn, that means Im not. Right? Yep,m that's them.

Christmas is the time to say I love you...isnt it?

Sorry to come back here with a bunch of negativity, but, I gotta get this out somewhere.Cant blog on Facebook about it because, well, its just too dark to put there. And family is there. The family who isnt dysfunctional and wouldn't understand.

Every holiday I go through this. I wait for my parents to call. they never do. The only time they have called me in the past 3 years has been when a natural disaster is hitting Atlanta. The tornadoes 2 years ago that went through downtown made them call, as did the one last year. And this year when we had a week of heavy rains and there was flooding all around. They didnt call on my birthday, Thanksgiving, Christmas, nothing.

Why does it matter? I suppose it shouldnt. but, you see, Im tired of waiting for them to call, to reach out, to dial my number-which is programmed into their cell phone, and wouldnt take much effort. The feeling I get when I wait for them to call and they dont is that I am not worthy of a 5 minute phone call. I am not worthy of costing them a few precious minutes of air time. I am not worth the effort.

Am I that bad a person to not be worth a few minutes of time or airtime? Are they that fucking cheap that they cant spend 5 minutes of their monthly air time allotment to call me? I cried for 30 minutes straight this afternoon, because it fucking hurts. To feel like you are not loved, by the fucking people who are supposed to love you unconditionally. But never have. I suppose because they never got it from anyone in their lives- which Im not sure is true, My grandpa- well, both of them actually gave it to me and others. I cant imagine them not giving it to my parents. My dad had a very rough childhood, mine pales in comparison. My mom had a better one, but she I think felt a bit out of place due to having had osteomyelitis as a child and having one leg shorter than the other, causing her to walk funny, and she wasnt able to do sports or things that other kids did. I am sure that affected her. my dads stepdad, the man I know as Grandpa Smith, didnt come into his life until he was an adult.And he had his share of problems due to shell shock from WW2.Alcoholism too-which he conquered when I was a child. But, he had a heart as big as he was (he was a very tall man-6'5" at least) And he and my dad had a very close bond.

I suffered a lot of emotional abuse from my father, and my mom, well, she was very submissive to him, and he abused her emotionally as well (he always bragged he never hit her! Good for you, Dad, you didnt have to, your words knocked her, and us down time and time again) she never once stood up to him, never once told him to stop when he was beating us kids either emotionally or physically. Yes, I do have a lot of anger towards her for this. That I have not dealt with.

I have dealt with my anger toward my dad, he kind of had an excuse, I guess i feel. his childhood sucked, and he didnt have anyone to show him the tools to take care of himself and deal with the pain from it. So, i can forgive him somewhat for what he did to us. mom, I havent been able to. She says shes a strong woman, and is proud of her stoicism and the crosses she bears. Shes a fucking martyr. When you ask her how she is, she will tell you "Im good, I have to be." no, mom, you dont. You can allow yourself to take a nap, to be sick, to be tired. To be fucking human.

So...what are my options. To continue calling them every holiday, resentful of the fact that *I* have to be the one to make the call, and feeling unloved because they cant for whatever fucking reason dial my damn number. Or, I can stop calling them all together and close off my heart to them. Or I can find a way to tell them how much it hurts me that they dont call, and hope that they will make an effort. Thats what Ive come up with. None seems like a very good option. If i tell them how hurt I am, they (as they ahve in the past) will either- not talk to me about it, because if we dont talk about a problem, it doesnt exist. or, they will tell me Im being too sensitive and that theres not a problem. If I keep calling them and letting the resentment build, it will hurt me more. If I close off my heart to them and stop contacting them all together, I lose my family. For all their dysfunction, they are still my family. I see only more pain that way.

I asked a friend when I will stop seeking the love that my parents obviosuly cant give me. He replied when I finally love myself and stop seeking that love from others. I dont know if thats true. I know I havent been very loving toward myself lately. But Im not sure thats entirely the solution.

I cant wait for the holidays to be over. If I see one more damn " this is how a family should be and if yours isnt, well, you suck" commercial, I am gonna hurt the TV. Which is why Ive turned on the digital music channel. :-)

Hope your Christmas didnt suck. Mine did have a few good moments, a wonderful yoga class with one of my favorite teachers, and a bouncing black lab playing with a squeaky carrot (like in the movie "Bolt")

What an amazing way to start the day :)

This morning the alarm went off at 3:15am. Ugh...not yet! OH wait! This is THE morning! Im gonna do yoga with da fishies! OK- that got me up (ok, a few minutes later-lol) Quick check of the email, glass of juice and a banana, thats all Im gonna eat. Got directions and instructions on where to meet, ok, Im off.

No traffic (hello- it was 4:15! lol) and a beautiful view of the city- Ive always loved to look at cities at night, and Atlanta is one of the more beautiful ones Ive seen. I found the exit and the Aquarium parking garage no problem, which is amazing for me, usually when I go somewhere in the city for the first time I get lost. LOL. OK, I park and go in, and find the room where the yoga class will be. A local TV show was doing a segment on the Yoga at the Aquarium program Be Well Atlanta has( heres a link to the video- http://www.cbsatlanta.com/video/18791620/index.html - Im the purple blur way in the back on the pink mat-lol), and I had gotten a free chance to do it-something Ive wanted to experience since first hearing about it.

There were several people there, maybe 15 already, more came in. The aquarium was dark, but soon I noticed one of the belugas had come up to the window and was watching us. I walked over, feeling the energy of the experience already, knowing I was in for something amazing. Maybe it was the sleep deprivation..or maybe I was just open to it because of it...but I felt a connection to the beluga. I watched him swim back and forth, the rest of the tank still dark and kinda scary, but seeing his smiling face I couldnt help but smile myself.I talked with a couple people who were also watching the whale, and then walked back to my mat and got ready to begin. I saw Bill and Chris and Stephen from Jai Shanti there, so yay- I knew people! Bill was leading the class, and I was glad, he gives off the most amazing energy- peaceful, accepting, calming.

He took us through some easy poses, and a couple hard ones which I struggled with- but as he says- "Its all good"- no judgement here, just doing and being :) I loved the way he intermingled some ocean metaphors into the class- I *was* the kelp waving in the ocean current, I *did* reach out and tickle the whale with my foot, I even rubbed his belly :) I * did* float on the surface of the ocean when we were going into Savasana- the dolphins (my addition to his suggestion) swimming nearby, playing,their smiles matching mine as I settled onto my floating mat.

I felt so relaxed, and yet energized too, which is how a good yoga session always makes me feel. :) As we came out of Savasana and he told us to give ourselves a big hug, I did, grateful to myself for taking the chance of emailing my reply, thinking I didnt have a chance at getting in because it was already 3 pm and Kimberly had emailed the notice early that morning, feeling grateful to her for picking me- feeling grateful to Bill for such an amazing class, to the Beluga for sharing his energy with me and the rest of the class, to yoga itself for changing my life- body,mind and spirit. :) I felt those familiar tears welling up, and more came up as we ended and Bill told us to go share our "shimmer" with the people we came in contact with today.

I was reminded of Shawn Mullins song "Shimmer" and the part that always makes me cry-

"I want to shimmer,I want to shine, I want to radiate, I want to live, want to love, I want to try to learn how not to hate."

Always makes me cry, because theres a part of me that wants SO badly to shine through all the negativity of my past,to shine so brightly I burn off all the negative faeries, to live free of fear and uncertainty (well- irrational fear anyways) this part of me that I can sometimes feel, so big and warm and happy and just...shimmering!Shes there- I know she is. :)

And I think yoga can help me get in touch with that part of me. I know it can, because its whats helped me to even feel shes there.

3 years ago, I didnt have a clue she was inside me. :)

Hey there lonely girl...

Started this Tuesday night....


Perhaps its just because Valentine's Day is coming up. Perhaps its because Im alone tonight, and have been told, and *know* that I need to start liking my own company.

Whatever...Im bored, lonely and trying really hard to not eat the rest of the Oreos and cry myself to sleep. (Ate 4 Oreos and a glass of soymilk and went to bed, not crying, but still a bit lonely. Felt better after chatting with my niece and another online friend who always makes me laugh...thanks guys!)

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Thursday am

Last week in the Living Room Dance with Intimacy thing, after saying something I struggled with on a daily basis (fear) I was asked what fear, if I didnt have it, would change how I lived my life and everything in it.( Or something like that- I apologize for not remembering) I said "My fear of being alone" (and I really hope the man I said that too didnt think of it as a come on- it wasnt) because, if I didnt have it, I would maybe be more happy and do more for myself, enjoy my life more.

Maybe I wouldn't be so scared to do things alone that I really want to do, but dont because I dont want to do them alone. Mostly travel ,go to new restaurants or different places around Atlanta,museums, exhibits, etc.

I just do not like being alone.For most of my teen years, I stayed alone in my room. My dad hated my friends, and when Id ask to go do things with them, or sometimes even just to get out of the house, hed either yell at me as to why it was so bad for me to be around them, or ignore me. So, in time, I quit asking. Quit going out. Stayed in my room with my radio and my cat.She loved me as long as I didnt sing to her.(she swatted my face one time I sang to her-lol) Maybe thats why I hate it. It reminds me of that time.

I have always been this way, well, for awhile in my 20's, I did enjoy my alone time, I had friends, and either went and did things with them or people from work, or went alone, and wasnt bothered most of the time that I was alone. I took myself to see one of my favorite singers(Steve Perry) for my birthday when he came to St Louis, stayed in a hotel downtown, took a cab to the concert, ate out after at a little diner that people from the concert were going to, I had a great time! I did lots of things like that.

Somewhere between age 27 (then) and 41 (now) I started to listen to those who told me well, there must be something wrong with you if youre alone at this age, when are you gonna marry, and all the other crap. Nothing about how independent I was, just about how Id better find a mate and get busy doing whatever couples do, time was running out.

Sorry, got off on a tangent there. Not really what I wanted to talk about. :)

Anyways, somewhere during that time, I decided I was tired of living alone, of doing for me, so began to be needy and codependent. Or maybe I was always that way, and just around that time I began dating more, getting closer to men so those characteristics came to the front. I dont know. I became helpless, to some extent, had trouble paying my bills and was always looking for someone to help me fix my messed up life and self.

Id like to think Im not like that anymore, and for the most part, Im not. I pay my own way, even enjoy the fact that I work hard and pay my own way and have for a few years now. I have done A LOT of self discovery and healing and am more confident in my ability to take care of myself. I had to borrow money from a friend to pay rent last week, and it was sooo rough!


I posted on another online group Im in for single people, asking how they learned to like being alone, if they had, and how did they deal with loneliness. One reply stuck out to me, saying, there is so much hype about how single people *must* enjoy being alone, if they dont, then somethings wrong with them. THANK YOU! He said everyone feels alone sometimes (and I happen to know quite a few married people who feel alone even lying beside their sposues-so theres no guarantee that once youve got that ring, or that person beside you in the bed that youre not gonna be lonely) so it is normal to feel this way.

And really the other night when I wrote the beginning of this, I didnt act on those feelings, much. I didnt eat the entire bag of Oreos- only ate 4, I didnt curl up in a ball on my bed and cry myself to sleep, didnt seek out a man to have sex with mainly because I dont know anyone here very well, and no one was around.

I dont do casual sex or one night stands. Tried once, and he stayed too long, I guess, because I fell very hard for him in the 8 hours we spent together. My roomie (who Ive been friends withbenefits with before but weve decided it isnt healthy for us to go there anymore) wasnt home so he wasnt around, and we havent gone there in over a year- we just dont cross that line anymore- thank goodness! I wouldnt even have asked him, really.

No, instead of all that,I got online and started to write about what I was feeling, but then my niece came along, and my other online friend and I got distracted by them making me laugh and feel better. So I handled it better than I used to.

I think Im just being impatient. I've only just started (again) to get out and build a life I love. Its gonna take time to find what I like, meet people who I like -I have found some at Jai Shanti-really hope to delve deeper into that community-the people seem more...genuine, I guess, maybe more down to earth than at another similar community Ive been around.Maybe Im just more open than I was with the other people. I dont know.

Time to walk some dogs and clean a house.

Will write more later, maybe. Got to post about Rabbit Pose too. :)

Lonely Space

It waits for me to enter

To fill it with my breath, my smile, my tears

Ganesh looks out the window at the trees, patiently waiting for my “Namaste, Ganesh”

Always ready to remove the obstacles I place before me

Piglet and Pooh ponder the butterfly waiting to inspire me to shed my caterpillar ways and start to fly

The Tiger and Leopard watch them and the door, hoping it will open soon and I will look into their majestic faces once more

The 6 red Buddhas from the flea market sit on the windowsill. They are new here, and smile as they wait to see what goes on in this room

The tea lights wait to be lit, to give warmth to the brass bowl that sits nearby, silent.

Peace and Hope sit on the windowsill beside the glass enclosed Chinese carving , missing my touching their softness as I look out the window at the backyard before beginning

The books are piled on the floor, still waiting for the bookshelves that have been promised

So what is it that keeps me out of this space?

The space I created for myself

The space to do Yoga, the thing that brings me joy, calm and healing

Why dont I open the door?

Trying reallly hard to not...

feel like a victim nor be a victim.

OK, so you all remember the dogbite incident that was my fault basically, supposed to keep dogs seperate, didnt, let my guard down so got bit when they tried to kill each other.

Well, once again taht has come back to bite my ass. Got my paychecks in the mail today. One was attached to an invoice with a few words about how the client wasnt paying her bill due to us not following directions and she having a $1100 vet bill because of it. The paycheck was docked the amount of the invoice. $350.

My paycheck was already not gonna cover rent, but I still had some money in the bank so I was just gonna be able to make it.

Now, I cant pay rent. I can pay the other bills and maybe 200 of it.

I really dont have a problem with them docking my pay, though I do thinks he should have to pay for the appointments that were completed before the dogfight.

I just really would have wished for some warning that this was going to happen...ya know? So I could have planned better and maybe not decided to go ahead and get my eyes checked (no, it needed to be done, I couldnt read street signs, not safe, and I know that!) and maybe not bought so many groceries, and maybe not all that food on Super Bowl Sunday, granted it wasnt alot that I bought but I could ahve used that money for more every day groceries rather than chips dip and guacamole and wings.

I know that somehow this will get taken care of and I will get back on my feet.

Im just really tired of working my ass off, and being willing to work my ass off, only to have the rug pulled out from under me, or not to get paid for that work.

Off to take a bath after I get some more Tension Tamer Tea.

More thoughts...

The more I think about it...the more I feel I should have left class. I am torn though, and will definitely talk to Marlysa and Bill about this.

On the one hand, it was rude and childish and very foolish to act like I did. When I said I threw a block, it wasnt across the room or at anyone, it was just to the side of me, in a huff, like a bratty 2 yr old.It still made noise though, as did my accompanying sigh of frustration, as well as when I couldnt do the Superman pose and I slapped my hands on the floor. I wanted to leave, but something kept saying "No, stay, keep at it, dont let the negativity win" So, I did, and got through something, and tried something new, and stepped outside my comfort zone.

So...how does one balance the help yoga gives her working through things emotionally and getting to a better place mentally with being conscientious of others...basically not putting my stuff onto others...doing no harm...ahimsa.

I cant afford private yoga classes, but I do realize that what I did last night wasnt good. Could ultimately get me kicked out of a yoga class and studio.

The Battle on the Mat

My apologies to those who were in the Pranakriya class last evening(I plan on apologizing in person to them next week) I hope I didnt disturb you when I threw the block beside me. As soon as I did it, I realized how rude that was so I got myself under control.

I will leave the room next time I have a battle with my negativity in yoga class. I thought about leaving but decided it was better to stay and try to fight as quietly as I could, so as to not let it win.

I am glad I did stay. Because I got rid of something..not sure what. Id had an emotional day, lots of crying and introspection, and had been battling with my negativity all day. I got to yoga class feeling a bit better but still self conscious. As the class started, I felt a bit relaxed, but then we did some poses I hadnt done and I really REALLY struggled with them. So, the negativity came up, throwing it in my face that Id been doing yoga for 2 years and I should be farther along than I am, I should be able to do Crow without fear (hello- I have weak arms, always have had weak arms, and while theyre stronger than they used to be, they still cant support my weight which IS over 200 pounds!) and Full Plank going into Half Plank without falling on my face. (Um, again with the arms!) I couldnt even get into Boat Pose...and watched as everyone else in the class did it, even the new lady. Finally I remembered the modification from my Yoga Zone DVD where he has us lean back on our arms and do it. I asked Marlysa if thatd be okay and she said yes. Duh- this is Marlysa's class...I should have known that if I couldnt find a way to do a pose all I had to do was ask for help finding a modification. Wont let that happen again.

After Crow, which I did attempt but my arms were shaking as I leaned forward, and well, its kinda scary to feel yourself going forward in it. But the important thing is I tried. I changed blocks as the first block was too soft when I stood on it, the second was firmer and I felt more stable on it. I tried. I overcame the negativity which was telling me oh you cant do that youll fall and break your neck! I stepped outside my comfort zone a bit. :) After Crow..we went into Headstand. Again, theres the "youre gonna fall and break your neck!" voice. I sat for a minute, knowing I did want to do this pose, but, knowing my arms are weak, I knew it wasnt safe. So, I sat a bit, and then it hit me, I cant do Headstand but I *can* do Dolphin.Which is a stepping stone to Headstand. So I did it, even put one leg on the wall. :)

That, and the tears I cried when I couldnt do the Superman pose (thats not the name, I cant think of it right now, it may be a variation of Locust) allowed me to release some tension, toxins, not sure, but something changed. The black cloud that had been around all day lifted.

Then we did the wonderful alternate nostril breathing, which always helps me feel better (did it again this morning) I always think of Allen, the nurse I worked with at St Mary's ER, who knew how to talk me down, to talk me through my anxiety, and when he'd see me getting stressed and didnt have time to talk me down, hed always say "Christine, alternate nostril breathing!" At the time, I had no idea there *was* such a thing, so Id always laugh because, well, it sounds funny because you think its impossible to alternate your nostril breathing! He knew how to make me laugh, which always made me forget why I was so stressed.

Then wonderful Savasana...ahhhh...relaxation. More tears, and some gratitude. Marlysa mentioned something about accepting how we were, accepting what we could do, not judging. Just what I needed to hear (did she know?)

Then we went over to Jai Shanti for the Livingroom. I am so happy to have found that place, or actually to have been brought there by Marylsa. And that I was able to pay more attention to how to get there this time, so I could find my way back home after. :) While I still feel very self conscious and that I dont have a lot, or anything to say that compares to the people there, who are all yoga teachers or have a deeper understanding of yoga and its philosophies (no one has made me feel that way, its just me and my habit of comparing myself to others) I have found nothing but acceptance and peace there. It has a wonderful vibe. :)

We did a great meditation, wish I could have taped it, because it also helped me relase more of that something that I needed to get out, to lift that black cloud some more. I really enjoyed the alternate nostril breathing there too, begun by breathing fully through each nostril for a few breaths then switching sides, to balance the Yin and Yan(g?) sides of ourselves. :) At the end of the meditation, after we moved through each Chakra, I felt, well..I'll just say what happened. The light in the room became brighter, I had my eyes closed, but I saw this brighter light, and felt a wave of...peace and calm. The light pulsed, and I sent out a "Thank you" to it, and felt more peace flow over me. I felt my mouth turn up into a smile...a smile I hadnt felt in a long time, that blissful "Buddha" smile. Thank you, Bill. :)

This says it all...

"I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes. I'm out of control and at times hard to handle, but if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best."
— Marilyn Monroe

(thanks sherry via linda...lol)

Yoga

I went to a yoga class last evening for the first time in several months. It was given by the yoga instructor who started me in Yoga.

I have revived my dream of wanting to become a yoga teacher.It has been pushed aside because of fear, lack of confidence...holding back from allowing my potential to "be".

I did poses last night I hadnt done in quite some time. Yes, I was a little rusty, and yes, the negative tapes inside my head started their cries of "See, you cant do this, youll never be good at this" blah blah blah. I talked back to them "I havent been in yoga class in at least 6 months if not longer. OF COURSE Im not gonna be as good as I was. But with time and practice, regular practice, I can get back and exceed where I was before. So, kindly shut up and let me enjoy this class." And, they did.

I went deeper into Downdog than I ever have. And again I thought while smiling "Yesss, this is why dogs do this all the time! It feels wunnnerrrfullll!"

While I didnt feel the amazing energy surges I have in the past...its hard to describe them...its like waves of pleasure, no not quite like an orgasm...but a bit similar- I guess its from the endorphin releases, or maybe the tension being released, Im not sure.Still, I know that yoga is going to help me, and has helped me, to become healthier, stronger and more confident.

I have kind of let things slide and fall to the wayside, get pushed back by fear and lack of trust and confidence in myself.

Well..not anymore!

I am going to start taking steps to get more into yoga, and start researching what I need to do to prepare to become a teacher. As well as working on my confedince and conquering, or at least taming my irrational fears, taht have been holding me back for so long.

So happy to be back on the mat! :)

I am not a terrorist!

The F.B.I. needs a spell check and grammar lesson...lol. (Yes, I know this is fake...just wanted to share what was in my inbox this morning.)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


To: undisclosed-recipients

Anti-Terrorist and Monetary Crimes Division
Fbi Headquarters In Washington, D.C.
Federal Bureau Of Investigation
J. Edgar Hoover Building
935 Pennsylvania Avenue, NW Washington, D.C. 20535-0001

Website: www.fbi.gov

Date: 01/7/2008

ATTENTION FUND BENEFICIARY,

This is an official advice from the fbi foreign Remittance / telegraphic dept.,it has come to our notice that the C.B.N Bank Nigeria district has released 10,500,000.00 US dollars into bank of America in your name as the beneficiary, by inheritance means. The C.B.N Bank Nigeria knowing fully well that they do not have Enough facilities to effect this payment from the united kingdom to your account, used what we know as a secret diplomatic transit payment (s.t.d.p) to pay this fund through wire transfer, they used this means to complete the payment.

They are still, waiting for confirmation from you on the already Transferred funds which were made in direct transfer so that they can do final crediting to your account.

Secret diplomatic payments are not made unless the funds are related to terrorist activities why must your payment be made in secret transfer, if your transaction is legitimate, if you are not a terrorist, then why did you not receive the money directly into your account; this is a pure coded, means of payment? Records which we have had with this method of payment in the past Has always been related to terrorist acts, we do not want you to get into trouble as soon as these funds reflect in your account in the U.S.A, so it is our duty as a world wide commission to correct this little problem before this fund will be credited into your personal account.

Due to the increased difficulty and unnecessary security by the American authorities when funds come from outside of Europe, and the Middle East, the f.b.i bank commission for Europe has stopped the transfer on its way to deliver payment of $10,500,000.00 to debit your reserve account and pay you through a secured diplomatic transit account (s.d.t.a). We govern and oversee funds transfer for the World Bank and the rest of the world.

We advice you contact us immediately, as the funds have been Stopped and are being held in our custody, until you can be able to provide us with a diplomatic immunity seal of transfer (dist) within 3 days from the world local bank that authorize the transfer from where the funds was transferred from to certify that the funds that you are about to receive from Nigeria are antiterrorist/drug free or we shall have cause to cross and impound the Payment, we shall release the funds immediately we receive this legal documents.

We have decided to contact you directly to acquire the proper Verifications and proof from you to show that you are the rightful person to receive this fund,because of the amount involve, we want to make sure is a clean and legal money you are about to receive.

Be informed that the fund are now in United State in your name, but right now we have ask the bank not to release the fund to anybody that comes to them, unless we ask them to do so, because we have to carry out our investigations first before releasing the fund to you.

Note that the fund is in the BANK OF AMERICA right now, but we have ask them not to credit the fund to you yet,

because we need a solid proof and Verifications from you before releasing the funds. So to this regards you are to re-assure and proof to us that what you are about to receive is a clean money by sending to us FBI Identification Record and also Diplomatic Immunity Seal Of Transfer(DIST) to satisfy to us that the money your about to receive is legitimate and real money.

You are to forward the documents to us immediately if you have it in your possession, if you don't have it let us know so that we will direct and inform you where to obtain the document and send to us so that we will ask the bank holding the funds, the Bank Of America to go ahead Crediting your account immediately.

These Documents are to be issued to you from the World Local Bank that Authorized the transfer, so get back to us immediately if you don't have the document so that we will inform you the particular place to obtain the document in United Kingdom (U.K), because we have come to realize that the fund was Authorized by (H.S.B.C) Bank in London. An FBI Identification Record and Diplomatic Immunity Seal Of Transfer (DIST) often referred to as a Criminal History Record or Rap Sheet, is a listing of certain information taken from fingerprint submissions retained by the FBI in connection with arrests and, in some instances, federal employment,naturalization, or military service.

These Condition Is Valid until 30th of January. 2009 after we shall take actions on Canceling the payment and then charge you for illegally moving funds out of Nigeria. Guarantee: funds will be released on confirmation of the document. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Final Instruction; 1. Credit payment instruction: irrevocable credit guarantee. 2. Beneficiary has full power when validation is cleared. 3. Beneficiaries bank in U.S.A., can only release funds. 4. Upon confirmation from the world bank / united nations. 5. Bearers must clear bank protocol and validation request. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ NOTE: We have asked for the above documents to make available the most complete and up-to date records possible for the enhancement of public safety, welfare and security of Society while recognizing the importance of individual privacy rights. If you fail to provide the Documents to us, we will charge you with the FBI and take our proper action against you for not proofing to us the legitimate of the fund you are about to receive. The United States Department of Justice Order 556-73 establishes rules and regulations for the subject of an FBI Identification Record to obtain a copy of his or her own Record for review.

The FBI Criminal Justice Information Services (CJIS) Division processes these requests to check illegal activities in U.S.A. An individual may request a copy of his or her own FBI Identification Record for personal review or to challenge information on the Record. Other reasons an individual may request a copy of his or her own Identification Record may include international adoption or to satisfy a requirement to live or work in a foreign country or receive funds from another country, i.e. Diplomatic Immunity Seal of Transfer, letter of good conduct, criminal history Background, etc.)

FBI Director Robert Mueller, III