Hey there lonely girl...

Started this Tuesday night....


Perhaps its just because Valentine's Day is coming up. Perhaps its because Im alone tonight, and have been told, and *know* that I need to start liking my own company.

Whatever...Im bored, lonely and trying really hard to not eat the rest of the Oreos and cry myself to sleep. (Ate 4 Oreos and a glass of soymilk and went to bed, not crying, but still a bit lonely. Felt better after chatting with my niece and another online friend who always makes me laugh...thanks guys!)

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Thursday am

Last week in the Living Room Dance with Intimacy thing, after saying something I struggled with on a daily basis (fear) I was asked what fear, if I didnt have it, would change how I lived my life and everything in it.( Or something like that- I apologize for not remembering) I said "My fear of being alone" (and I really hope the man I said that too didnt think of it as a come on- it wasnt) because, if I didnt have it, I would maybe be more happy and do more for myself, enjoy my life more.

Maybe I wouldn't be so scared to do things alone that I really want to do, but dont because I dont want to do them alone. Mostly travel ,go to new restaurants or different places around Atlanta,museums, exhibits, etc.

I just do not like being alone.For most of my teen years, I stayed alone in my room. My dad hated my friends, and when Id ask to go do things with them, or sometimes even just to get out of the house, hed either yell at me as to why it was so bad for me to be around them, or ignore me. So, in time, I quit asking. Quit going out. Stayed in my room with my radio and my cat.She loved me as long as I didnt sing to her.(she swatted my face one time I sang to her-lol) Maybe thats why I hate it. It reminds me of that time.

I have always been this way, well, for awhile in my 20's, I did enjoy my alone time, I had friends, and either went and did things with them or people from work, or went alone, and wasnt bothered most of the time that I was alone. I took myself to see one of my favorite singers(Steve Perry) for my birthday when he came to St Louis, stayed in a hotel downtown, took a cab to the concert, ate out after at a little diner that people from the concert were going to, I had a great time! I did lots of things like that.

Somewhere between age 27 (then) and 41 (now) I started to listen to those who told me well, there must be something wrong with you if youre alone at this age, when are you gonna marry, and all the other crap. Nothing about how independent I was, just about how Id better find a mate and get busy doing whatever couples do, time was running out.

Sorry, got off on a tangent there. Not really what I wanted to talk about. :)

Anyways, somewhere during that time, I decided I was tired of living alone, of doing for me, so began to be needy and codependent. Or maybe I was always that way, and just around that time I began dating more, getting closer to men so those characteristics came to the front. I dont know. I became helpless, to some extent, had trouble paying my bills and was always looking for someone to help me fix my messed up life and self.

Id like to think Im not like that anymore, and for the most part, Im not. I pay my own way, even enjoy the fact that I work hard and pay my own way and have for a few years now. I have done A LOT of self discovery and healing and am more confident in my ability to take care of myself. I had to borrow money from a friend to pay rent last week, and it was sooo rough!


I posted on another online group Im in for single people, asking how they learned to like being alone, if they had, and how did they deal with loneliness. One reply stuck out to me, saying, there is so much hype about how single people *must* enjoy being alone, if they dont, then somethings wrong with them. THANK YOU! He said everyone feels alone sometimes (and I happen to know quite a few married people who feel alone even lying beside their sposues-so theres no guarantee that once youve got that ring, or that person beside you in the bed that youre not gonna be lonely) so it is normal to feel this way.

And really the other night when I wrote the beginning of this, I didnt act on those feelings, much. I didnt eat the entire bag of Oreos- only ate 4, I didnt curl up in a ball on my bed and cry myself to sleep, didnt seek out a man to have sex with mainly because I dont know anyone here very well, and no one was around.

I dont do casual sex or one night stands. Tried once, and he stayed too long, I guess, because I fell very hard for him in the 8 hours we spent together. My roomie (who Ive been friends withbenefits with before but weve decided it isnt healthy for us to go there anymore) wasnt home so he wasnt around, and we havent gone there in over a year- we just dont cross that line anymore- thank goodness! I wouldnt even have asked him, really.

No, instead of all that,I got online and started to write about what I was feeling, but then my niece came along, and my other online friend and I got distracted by them making me laugh and feel better. So I handled it better than I used to.

I think Im just being impatient. I've only just started (again) to get out and build a life I love. Its gonna take time to find what I like, meet people who I like -I have found some at Jai Shanti-really hope to delve deeper into that community-the people seem more...genuine, I guess, maybe more down to earth than at another similar community Ive been around.Maybe Im just more open than I was with the other people. I dont know.

Time to walk some dogs and clean a house.

Will write more later, maybe. Got to post about Rabbit Pose too. :)