Just when I think Ive found confidence

It disappears. Or at least gets hidden.

Last November I attended a transformational breathwork class. I was somewhat reluctant to go but my favorite yoga teacher William said I *really* should go, so I did. And I am very glad I did, because it was a very transformational experience. A couple issues came up for me, big ones- my willingness to live and my birth mother.A very strong voice said "I want to be here!"- affirming that I do want to live, and that I belong here. Here as in on earth and alive. For many years I have struggled with depression and occasional suicidal thoughts.I have had this feeling deep inside that I didnt belong here, that I was a mistake and was unworthy of living. So to have this voice come from deep inside saying "I WANT TO BE HERE!!" was a pretty big thing.I felt affirmed as a human, affirmed that I do belong and am worthy of existing.

Then my birth mother came up. I wondered what it was like inside her. This was triggered by the fetal heart tones in the music the instructor was playing. I wondered what she felt, what she thought, did she want me? What did I feel from her? As I wondered if she wanted me, I felt the sense that she didnt want me. This brought some sadness, but the "I want to be here!" came up and got louder and louder. I wondered if she loved me. I wondered if she had gotten to hold me before having to give me up. I wodnered if I had touched her, if we had bonded. I visualized, and brought my hand up to touch her face. I felt a wave of love- pure, bright warm love- come back. I smiled and sent out some love to my birth mother,wherever she is.

After that class, for months I felt more solid, more "me" It wavered a bit off and on, but deep down there was still that solidness.

For the last 2 weeks it had gone, or at least Im not feeling it as strongly. It is still there, I did feel it Christmas week when I locked myself out of the Newfies house and also when my car doors were frozen and I figured out how to get them open. Deep down I knew that even though these problems were here, Id be okay and could come up with solutions.

For some reason, I now have this awkward,very uncomfortable in my skin feeling. I hold back from asking for want I want, from saying things I want to say, I dismiss my feelings as being too sensitive or just my distorted perception. I find it hard to relax.

I just dont know what happened to make that go away. I know I shouldnt get attached to the feelings, but, I cannot recall ever feeling that way in my entire life, so it is very hard not to.

I just today increased my St John's Wort, not sure if its my depression or just what. Im trying to think of it as growing pains, and that on the other side is something much better, that solid feeling coming back, maybe? I just dont know.