The Battle on the Mat

My apologies to those who were in the Pranakriya class last evening(I plan on apologizing in person to them next week) I hope I didnt disturb you when I threw the block beside me. As soon as I did it, I realized how rude that was so I got myself under control.

I will leave the room next time I have a battle with my negativity in yoga class. I thought about leaving but decided it was better to stay and try to fight as quietly as I could, so as to not let it win.

I am glad I did stay. Because I got rid of something..not sure what. Id had an emotional day, lots of crying and introspection, and had been battling with my negativity all day. I got to yoga class feeling a bit better but still self conscious. As the class started, I felt a bit relaxed, but then we did some poses I hadnt done and I really REALLY struggled with them. So, the negativity came up, throwing it in my face that Id been doing yoga for 2 years and I should be farther along than I am, I should be able to do Crow without fear (hello- I have weak arms, always have had weak arms, and while theyre stronger than they used to be, they still cant support my weight which IS over 200 pounds!) and Full Plank going into Half Plank without falling on my face. (Um, again with the arms!) I couldnt even get into Boat Pose...and watched as everyone else in the class did it, even the new lady. Finally I remembered the modification from my Yoga Zone DVD where he has us lean back on our arms and do it. I asked Marlysa if thatd be okay and she said yes. Duh- this is Marlysa's class...I should have known that if I couldnt find a way to do a pose all I had to do was ask for help finding a modification. Wont let that happen again.

After Crow, which I did attempt but my arms were shaking as I leaned forward, and well, its kinda scary to feel yourself going forward in it. But the important thing is I tried. I changed blocks as the first block was too soft when I stood on it, the second was firmer and I felt more stable on it. I tried. I overcame the negativity which was telling me oh you cant do that youll fall and break your neck! I stepped outside my comfort zone a bit. :) After Crow..we went into Headstand. Again, theres the "youre gonna fall and break your neck!" voice. I sat for a minute, knowing I did want to do this pose, but, knowing my arms are weak, I knew it wasnt safe. So, I sat a bit, and then it hit me, I cant do Headstand but I *can* do Dolphin.Which is a stepping stone to Headstand. So I did it, even put one leg on the wall. :)

That, and the tears I cried when I couldnt do the Superman pose (thats not the name, I cant think of it right now, it may be a variation of Locust) allowed me to release some tension, toxins, not sure, but something changed. The black cloud that had been around all day lifted.

Then we did the wonderful alternate nostril breathing, which always helps me feel better (did it again this morning) I always think of Allen, the nurse I worked with at St Mary's ER, who knew how to talk me down, to talk me through my anxiety, and when he'd see me getting stressed and didnt have time to talk me down, hed always say "Christine, alternate nostril breathing!" At the time, I had no idea there *was* such a thing, so Id always laugh because, well, it sounds funny because you think its impossible to alternate your nostril breathing! He knew how to make me laugh, which always made me forget why I was so stressed.

Then wonderful Savasana...ahhhh...relaxation. More tears, and some gratitude. Marlysa mentioned something about accepting how we were, accepting what we could do, not judging. Just what I needed to hear (did she know?)

Then we went over to Jai Shanti for the Livingroom. I am so happy to have found that place, or actually to have been brought there by Marylsa. And that I was able to pay more attention to how to get there this time, so I could find my way back home after. :) While I still feel very self conscious and that I dont have a lot, or anything to say that compares to the people there, who are all yoga teachers or have a deeper understanding of yoga and its philosophies (no one has made me feel that way, its just me and my habit of comparing myself to others) I have found nothing but acceptance and peace there. It has a wonderful vibe. :)

We did a great meditation, wish I could have taped it, because it also helped me relase more of that something that I needed to get out, to lift that black cloud some more. I really enjoyed the alternate nostril breathing there too, begun by breathing fully through each nostril for a few breaths then switching sides, to balance the Yin and Yan(g?) sides of ourselves. :) At the end of the meditation, after we moved through each Chakra, I felt, well..I'll just say what happened. The light in the room became brighter, I had my eyes closed, but I saw this brighter light, and felt a wave of...peace and calm. The light pulsed, and I sent out a "Thank you" to it, and felt more peace flow over me. I felt my mouth turn up into a smile...a smile I hadnt felt in a long time, that blissful "Buddha" smile. Thank you, Bill. :)