Sorry to come back here with a bunch of negativity, but, I gotta get this out somewhere.Cant blog on Facebook about it because, well, its just too dark to put there. And family is there. The family who isnt dysfunctional and wouldn't understand.
Every holiday I go through this. I wait for my parents to call. they never do. The only time they have called me in the past 3 years has been when a natural disaster is hitting Atlanta. The tornadoes 2 years ago that went through downtown made them call, as did the one last year. And this year when we had a week of heavy rains and there was flooding all around. They didnt call on my birthday, Thanksgiving, Christmas, nothing.
Why does it matter? I suppose it shouldnt. but, you see, Im tired of waiting for them to call, to reach out, to dial my number-which is programmed into their cell phone, and wouldnt take much effort. The feeling I get when I wait for them to call and they dont is that I am not worthy of a 5 minute phone call. I am not worthy of costing them a few precious minutes of air time. I am not worth the effort.
Am I that bad a person to not be worth a few minutes of time or airtime? Are they that fucking cheap that they cant spend 5 minutes of their monthly air time allotment to call me? I cried for 30 minutes straight this afternoon, because it fucking hurts. To feel like you are not loved, by the fucking people who are supposed to love you unconditionally. But never have. I suppose because they never got it from anyone in their lives- which Im not sure is true, My grandpa- well, both of them actually gave it to me and others. I cant imagine them not giving it to my parents. My dad had a very rough childhood, mine pales in comparison. My mom had a better one, but she I think felt a bit out of place due to having had osteomyelitis as a child and having one leg shorter than the other, causing her to walk funny, and she wasnt able to do sports or things that other kids did. I am sure that affected her. my dads stepdad, the man I know as Grandpa Smith, didnt come into his life until he was an adult.And he had his share of problems due to shell shock from WW2.Alcoholism too-which he conquered when I was a child. But, he had a heart as big as he was (he was a very tall man-6'5" at least) And he and my dad had a very close bond.
I suffered a lot of emotional abuse from my father, and my mom, well, she was very submissive to him, and he abused her emotionally as well (he always bragged he never hit her! Good for you, Dad, you didnt have to, your words knocked her, and us down time and time again) she never once stood up to him, never once told him to stop when he was beating us kids either emotionally or physically. Yes, I do have a lot of anger towards her for this. That I have not dealt with.
I have dealt with my anger toward my dad, he kind of had an excuse, I guess i feel. his childhood sucked, and he didnt have anyone to show him the tools to take care of himself and deal with the pain from it. So, i can forgive him somewhat for what he did to us. mom, I havent been able to. She says shes a strong woman, and is proud of her stoicism and the crosses she bears. Shes a fucking martyr. When you ask her how she is, she will tell you "Im good, I have to be." no, mom, you dont. You can allow yourself to take a nap, to be sick, to be tired. To be fucking human.
So...what are my options. To continue calling them every holiday, resentful of the fact that *I* have to be the one to make the call, and feeling unloved because they cant for whatever fucking reason dial my damn number. Or, I can stop calling them all together and close off my heart to them. Or I can find a way to tell them how much it hurts me that they dont call, and hope that they will make an effort. Thats what Ive come up with. None seems like a very good option. If i tell them how hurt I am, they (as they ahve in the past) will either- not talk to me about it, because if we dont talk about a problem, it doesnt exist. or, they will tell me Im being too sensitive and that theres not a problem. If I keep calling them and letting the resentment build, it will hurt me more. If I close off my heart to them and stop contacting them all together, I lose my family. For all their dysfunction, they are still my family. I see only more pain that way.
I asked a friend when I will stop seeking the love that my parents obviosuly cant give me. He replied when I finally love myself and stop seeking that love from others. I dont know if thats true. I know I havent been very loving toward myself lately. But Im not sure thats entirely the solution.
I cant wait for the holidays to be over. If I see one more damn " this is how a family should be and if yours isnt, well, you suck" commercial, I am gonna hurt the TV. Which is why Ive turned on the digital music channel. :-)
Hope your Christmas didnt suck. Mine did have a few good moments, a wonderful yoga class with one of my favorite teachers, and a bouncing black lab playing with a squeaky carrot (like in the movie "Bolt")
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
No comments:
Post a Comment