Christmas is the time to say I love you...isnt it?

Sorry to come back here with a bunch of negativity, but, I gotta get this out somewhere.Cant blog on Facebook about it because, well, its just too dark to put there. And family is there. The family who isnt dysfunctional and wouldn't understand.

Every holiday I go through this. I wait for my parents to call. they never do. The only time they have called me in the past 3 years has been when a natural disaster is hitting Atlanta. The tornadoes 2 years ago that went through downtown made them call, as did the one last year. And this year when we had a week of heavy rains and there was flooding all around. They didnt call on my birthday, Thanksgiving, Christmas, nothing.

Why does it matter? I suppose it shouldnt. but, you see, Im tired of waiting for them to call, to reach out, to dial my number-which is programmed into their cell phone, and wouldnt take much effort. The feeling I get when I wait for them to call and they dont is that I am not worthy of a 5 minute phone call. I am not worthy of costing them a few precious minutes of air time. I am not worth the effort.

Am I that bad a person to not be worth a few minutes of time or airtime? Are they that fucking cheap that they cant spend 5 minutes of their monthly air time allotment to call me? I cried for 30 minutes straight this afternoon, because it fucking hurts. To feel like you are not loved, by the fucking people who are supposed to love you unconditionally. But never have. I suppose because they never got it from anyone in their lives- which Im not sure is true, My grandpa- well, both of them actually gave it to me and others. I cant imagine them not giving it to my parents. My dad had a very rough childhood, mine pales in comparison. My mom had a better one, but she I think felt a bit out of place due to having had osteomyelitis as a child and having one leg shorter than the other, causing her to walk funny, and she wasnt able to do sports or things that other kids did. I am sure that affected her. my dads stepdad, the man I know as Grandpa Smith, didnt come into his life until he was an adult.And he had his share of problems due to shell shock from WW2.Alcoholism too-which he conquered when I was a child. But, he had a heart as big as he was (he was a very tall man-6'5" at least) And he and my dad had a very close bond.

I suffered a lot of emotional abuse from my father, and my mom, well, she was very submissive to him, and he abused her emotionally as well (he always bragged he never hit her! Good for you, Dad, you didnt have to, your words knocked her, and us down time and time again) she never once stood up to him, never once told him to stop when he was beating us kids either emotionally or physically. Yes, I do have a lot of anger towards her for this. That I have not dealt with.

I have dealt with my anger toward my dad, he kind of had an excuse, I guess i feel. his childhood sucked, and he didnt have anyone to show him the tools to take care of himself and deal with the pain from it. So, i can forgive him somewhat for what he did to us. mom, I havent been able to. She says shes a strong woman, and is proud of her stoicism and the crosses she bears. Shes a fucking martyr. When you ask her how she is, she will tell you "Im good, I have to be." no, mom, you dont. You can allow yourself to take a nap, to be sick, to be tired. To be fucking human.

So...what are my options. To continue calling them every holiday, resentful of the fact that *I* have to be the one to make the call, and feeling unloved because they cant for whatever fucking reason dial my damn number. Or, I can stop calling them all together and close off my heart to them. Or I can find a way to tell them how much it hurts me that they dont call, and hope that they will make an effort. Thats what Ive come up with. None seems like a very good option. If i tell them how hurt I am, they (as they ahve in the past) will either- not talk to me about it, because if we dont talk about a problem, it doesnt exist. or, they will tell me Im being too sensitive and that theres not a problem. If I keep calling them and letting the resentment build, it will hurt me more. If I close off my heart to them and stop contacting them all together, I lose my family. For all their dysfunction, they are still my family. I see only more pain that way.

I asked a friend when I will stop seeking the love that my parents obviosuly cant give me. He replied when I finally love myself and stop seeking that love from others. I dont know if thats true. I know I havent been very loving toward myself lately. But Im not sure thats entirely the solution.

I cant wait for the holidays to be over. If I see one more damn " this is how a family should be and if yours isnt, well, you suck" commercial, I am gonna hurt the TV. Which is why Ive turned on the digital music channel. :-)

Hope your Christmas didnt suck. Mine did have a few good moments, a wonderful yoga class with one of my favorite teachers, and a bouncing black lab playing with a squeaky carrot (like in the movie "Bolt")

What an amazing way to start the day :)

This morning the alarm went off at 3:15am. Ugh...not yet! OH wait! This is THE morning! Im gonna do yoga with da fishies! OK- that got me up (ok, a few minutes later-lol) Quick check of the email, glass of juice and a banana, thats all Im gonna eat. Got directions and instructions on where to meet, ok, Im off.

No traffic (hello- it was 4:15! lol) and a beautiful view of the city- Ive always loved to look at cities at night, and Atlanta is one of the more beautiful ones Ive seen. I found the exit and the Aquarium parking garage no problem, which is amazing for me, usually when I go somewhere in the city for the first time I get lost. LOL. OK, I park and go in, and find the room where the yoga class will be. A local TV show was doing a segment on the Yoga at the Aquarium program Be Well Atlanta has( heres a link to the video- http://www.cbsatlanta.com/video/18791620/index.html - Im the purple blur way in the back on the pink mat-lol), and I had gotten a free chance to do it-something Ive wanted to experience since first hearing about it.

There were several people there, maybe 15 already, more came in. The aquarium was dark, but soon I noticed one of the belugas had come up to the window and was watching us. I walked over, feeling the energy of the experience already, knowing I was in for something amazing. Maybe it was the sleep deprivation..or maybe I was just open to it because of it...but I felt a connection to the beluga. I watched him swim back and forth, the rest of the tank still dark and kinda scary, but seeing his smiling face I couldnt help but smile myself.I talked with a couple people who were also watching the whale, and then walked back to my mat and got ready to begin. I saw Bill and Chris and Stephen from Jai Shanti there, so yay- I knew people! Bill was leading the class, and I was glad, he gives off the most amazing energy- peaceful, accepting, calming.

He took us through some easy poses, and a couple hard ones which I struggled with- but as he says- "Its all good"- no judgement here, just doing and being :) I loved the way he intermingled some ocean metaphors into the class- I *was* the kelp waving in the ocean current, I *did* reach out and tickle the whale with my foot, I even rubbed his belly :) I * did* float on the surface of the ocean when we were going into Savasana- the dolphins (my addition to his suggestion) swimming nearby, playing,their smiles matching mine as I settled onto my floating mat.

I felt so relaxed, and yet energized too, which is how a good yoga session always makes me feel. :) As we came out of Savasana and he told us to give ourselves a big hug, I did, grateful to myself for taking the chance of emailing my reply, thinking I didnt have a chance at getting in because it was already 3 pm and Kimberly had emailed the notice early that morning, feeling grateful to her for picking me- feeling grateful to Bill for such an amazing class, to the Beluga for sharing his energy with me and the rest of the class, to yoga itself for changing my life- body,mind and spirit. :) I felt those familiar tears welling up, and more came up as we ended and Bill told us to go share our "shimmer" with the people we came in contact with today.

I was reminded of Shawn Mullins song "Shimmer" and the part that always makes me cry-

"I want to shimmer,I want to shine, I want to radiate, I want to live, want to love, I want to try to learn how not to hate."

Always makes me cry, because theres a part of me that wants SO badly to shine through all the negativity of my past,to shine so brightly I burn off all the negative faeries, to live free of fear and uncertainty (well- irrational fear anyways) this part of me that I can sometimes feel, so big and warm and happy and just...shimmering!Shes there- I know she is. :)

And I think yoga can help me get in touch with that part of me. I know it can, because its whats helped me to even feel shes there.

3 years ago, I didnt have a clue she was inside me. :)

Hey there lonely girl...

Started this Tuesday night....


Perhaps its just because Valentine's Day is coming up. Perhaps its because Im alone tonight, and have been told, and *know* that I need to start liking my own company.

Whatever...Im bored, lonely and trying really hard to not eat the rest of the Oreos and cry myself to sleep. (Ate 4 Oreos and a glass of soymilk and went to bed, not crying, but still a bit lonely. Felt better after chatting with my niece and another online friend who always makes me laugh...thanks guys!)

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Thursday am

Last week in the Living Room Dance with Intimacy thing, after saying something I struggled with on a daily basis (fear) I was asked what fear, if I didnt have it, would change how I lived my life and everything in it.( Or something like that- I apologize for not remembering) I said "My fear of being alone" (and I really hope the man I said that too didnt think of it as a come on- it wasnt) because, if I didnt have it, I would maybe be more happy and do more for myself, enjoy my life more.

Maybe I wouldn't be so scared to do things alone that I really want to do, but dont because I dont want to do them alone. Mostly travel ,go to new restaurants or different places around Atlanta,museums, exhibits, etc.

I just do not like being alone.For most of my teen years, I stayed alone in my room. My dad hated my friends, and when Id ask to go do things with them, or sometimes even just to get out of the house, hed either yell at me as to why it was so bad for me to be around them, or ignore me. So, in time, I quit asking. Quit going out. Stayed in my room with my radio and my cat.She loved me as long as I didnt sing to her.(she swatted my face one time I sang to her-lol) Maybe thats why I hate it. It reminds me of that time.

I have always been this way, well, for awhile in my 20's, I did enjoy my alone time, I had friends, and either went and did things with them or people from work, or went alone, and wasnt bothered most of the time that I was alone. I took myself to see one of my favorite singers(Steve Perry) for my birthday when he came to St Louis, stayed in a hotel downtown, took a cab to the concert, ate out after at a little diner that people from the concert were going to, I had a great time! I did lots of things like that.

Somewhere between age 27 (then) and 41 (now) I started to listen to those who told me well, there must be something wrong with you if youre alone at this age, when are you gonna marry, and all the other crap. Nothing about how independent I was, just about how Id better find a mate and get busy doing whatever couples do, time was running out.

Sorry, got off on a tangent there. Not really what I wanted to talk about. :)

Anyways, somewhere during that time, I decided I was tired of living alone, of doing for me, so began to be needy and codependent. Or maybe I was always that way, and just around that time I began dating more, getting closer to men so those characteristics came to the front. I dont know. I became helpless, to some extent, had trouble paying my bills and was always looking for someone to help me fix my messed up life and self.

Id like to think Im not like that anymore, and for the most part, Im not. I pay my own way, even enjoy the fact that I work hard and pay my own way and have for a few years now. I have done A LOT of self discovery and healing and am more confident in my ability to take care of myself. I had to borrow money from a friend to pay rent last week, and it was sooo rough!


I posted on another online group Im in for single people, asking how they learned to like being alone, if they had, and how did they deal with loneliness. One reply stuck out to me, saying, there is so much hype about how single people *must* enjoy being alone, if they dont, then somethings wrong with them. THANK YOU! He said everyone feels alone sometimes (and I happen to know quite a few married people who feel alone even lying beside their sposues-so theres no guarantee that once youve got that ring, or that person beside you in the bed that youre not gonna be lonely) so it is normal to feel this way.

And really the other night when I wrote the beginning of this, I didnt act on those feelings, much. I didnt eat the entire bag of Oreos- only ate 4, I didnt curl up in a ball on my bed and cry myself to sleep, didnt seek out a man to have sex with mainly because I dont know anyone here very well, and no one was around.

I dont do casual sex or one night stands. Tried once, and he stayed too long, I guess, because I fell very hard for him in the 8 hours we spent together. My roomie (who Ive been friends withbenefits with before but weve decided it isnt healthy for us to go there anymore) wasnt home so he wasnt around, and we havent gone there in over a year- we just dont cross that line anymore- thank goodness! I wouldnt even have asked him, really.

No, instead of all that,I got online and started to write about what I was feeling, but then my niece came along, and my other online friend and I got distracted by them making me laugh and feel better. So I handled it better than I used to.

I think Im just being impatient. I've only just started (again) to get out and build a life I love. Its gonna take time to find what I like, meet people who I like -I have found some at Jai Shanti-really hope to delve deeper into that community-the people seem more...genuine, I guess, maybe more down to earth than at another similar community Ive been around.Maybe Im just more open than I was with the other people. I dont know.

Time to walk some dogs and clean a house.

Will write more later, maybe. Got to post about Rabbit Pose too. :)

Lonely Space

It waits for me to enter

To fill it with my breath, my smile, my tears

Ganesh looks out the window at the trees, patiently waiting for my “Namaste, Ganesh”

Always ready to remove the obstacles I place before me

Piglet and Pooh ponder the butterfly waiting to inspire me to shed my caterpillar ways and start to fly

The Tiger and Leopard watch them and the door, hoping it will open soon and I will look into their majestic faces once more

The 6 red Buddhas from the flea market sit on the windowsill. They are new here, and smile as they wait to see what goes on in this room

The tea lights wait to be lit, to give warmth to the brass bowl that sits nearby, silent.

Peace and Hope sit on the windowsill beside the glass enclosed Chinese carving , missing my touching their softness as I look out the window at the backyard before beginning

The books are piled on the floor, still waiting for the bookshelves that have been promised

So what is it that keeps me out of this space?

The space I created for myself

The space to do Yoga, the thing that brings me joy, calm and healing

Why dont I open the door?

Trying reallly hard to not...

feel like a victim nor be a victim.

OK, so you all remember the dogbite incident that was my fault basically, supposed to keep dogs seperate, didnt, let my guard down so got bit when they tried to kill each other.

Well, once again taht has come back to bite my ass. Got my paychecks in the mail today. One was attached to an invoice with a few words about how the client wasnt paying her bill due to us not following directions and she having a $1100 vet bill because of it. The paycheck was docked the amount of the invoice. $350.

My paycheck was already not gonna cover rent, but I still had some money in the bank so I was just gonna be able to make it.

Now, I cant pay rent. I can pay the other bills and maybe 200 of it.

I really dont have a problem with them docking my pay, though I do thinks he should have to pay for the appointments that were completed before the dogfight.

I just really would have wished for some warning that this was going to happen...ya know? So I could have planned better and maybe not decided to go ahead and get my eyes checked (no, it needed to be done, I couldnt read street signs, not safe, and I know that!) and maybe not bought so many groceries, and maybe not all that food on Super Bowl Sunday, granted it wasnt alot that I bought but I could ahve used that money for more every day groceries rather than chips dip and guacamole and wings.

I know that somehow this will get taken care of and I will get back on my feet.

Im just really tired of working my ass off, and being willing to work my ass off, only to have the rug pulled out from under me, or not to get paid for that work.

Off to take a bath after I get some more Tension Tamer Tea.

More thoughts...

The more I think about it...the more I feel I should have left class. I am torn though, and will definitely talk to Marlysa and Bill about this.

On the one hand, it was rude and childish and very foolish to act like I did. When I said I threw a block, it wasnt across the room or at anyone, it was just to the side of me, in a huff, like a bratty 2 yr old.It still made noise though, as did my accompanying sigh of frustration, as well as when I couldnt do the Superman pose and I slapped my hands on the floor. I wanted to leave, but something kept saying "No, stay, keep at it, dont let the negativity win" So, I did, and got through something, and tried something new, and stepped outside my comfort zone.

So...how does one balance the help yoga gives her working through things emotionally and getting to a better place mentally with being conscientious of others...basically not putting my stuff onto others...doing no harm...ahimsa.

I cant afford private yoga classes, but I do realize that what I did last night wasnt good. Could ultimately get me kicked out of a yoga class and studio.

The Battle on the Mat

My apologies to those who were in the Pranakriya class last evening(I plan on apologizing in person to them next week) I hope I didnt disturb you when I threw the block beside me. As soon as I did it, I realized how rude that was so I got myself under control.

I will leave the room next time I have a battle with my negativity in yoga class. I thought about leaving but decided it was better to stay and try to fight as quietly as I could, so as to not let it win.

I am glad I did stay. Because I got rid of something..not sure what. Id had an emotional day, lots of crying and introspection, and had been battling with my negativity all day. I got to yoga class feeling a bit better but still self conscious. As the class started, I felt a bit relaxed, but then we did some poses I hadnt done and I really REALLY struggled with them. So, the negativity came up, throwing it in my face that Id been doing yoga for 2 years and I should be farther along than I am, I should be able to do Crow without fear (hello- I have weak arms, always have had weak arms, and while theyre stronger than they used to be, they still cant support my weight which IS over 200 pounds!) and Full Plank going into Half Plank without falling on my face. (Um, again with the arms!) I couldnt even get into Boat Pose...and watched as everyone else in the class did it, even the new lady. Finally I remembered the modification from my Yoga Zone DVD where he has us lean back on our arms and do it. I asked Marlysa if thatd be okay and she said yes. Duh- this is Marlysa's class...I should have known that if I couldnt find a way to do a pose all I had to do was ask for help finding a modification. Wont let that happen again.

After Crow, which I did attempt but my arms were shaking as I leaned forward, and well, its kinda scary to feel yourself going forward in it. But the important thing is I tried. I changed blocks as the first block was too soft when I stood on it, the second was firmer and I felt more stable on it. I tried. I overcame the negativity which was telling me oh you cant do that youll fall and break your neck! I stepped outside my comfort zone a bit. :) After Crow..we went into Headstand. Again, theres the "youre gonna fall and break your neck!" voice. I sat for a minute, knowing I did want to do this pose, but, knowing my arms are weak, I knew it wasnt safe. So, I sat a bit, and then it hit me, I cant do Headstand but I *can* do Dolphin.Which is a stepping stone to Headstand. So I did it, even put one leg on the wall. :)

That, and the tears I cried when I couldnt do the Superman pose (thats not the name, I cant think of it right now, it may be a variation of Locust) allowed me to release some tension, toxins, not sure, but something changed. The black cloud that had been around all day lifted.

Then we did the wonderful alternate nostril breathing, which always helps me feel better (did it again this morning) I always think of Allen, the nurse I worked with at St Mary's ER, who knew how to talk me down, to talk me through my anxiety, and when he'd see me getting stressed and didnt have time to talk me down, hed always say "Christine, alternate nostril breathing!" At the time, I had no idea there *was* such a thing, so Id always laugh because, well, it sounds funny because you think its impossible to alternate your nostril breathing! He knew how to make me laugh, which always made me forget why I was so stressed.

Then wonderful Savasana...ahhhh...relaxation. More tears, and some gratitude. Marlysa mentioned something about accepting how we were, accepting what we could do, not judging. Just what I needed to hear (did she know?)

Then we went over to Jai Shanti for the Livingroom. I am so happy to have found that place, or actually to have been brought there by Marylsa. And that I was able to pay more attention to how to get there this time, so I could find my way back home after. :) While I still feel very self conscious and that I dont have a lot, or anything to say that compares to the people there, who are all yoga teachers or have a deeper understanding of yoga and its philosophies (no one has made me feel that way, its just me and my habit of comparing myself to others) I have found nothing but acceptance and peace there. It has a wonderful vibe. :)

We did a great meditation, wish I could have taped it, because it also helped me relase more of that something that I needed to get out, to lift that black cloud some more. I really enjoyed the alternate nostril breathing there too, begun by breathing fully through each nostril for a few breaths then switching sides, to balance the Yin and Yan(g?) sides of ourselves. :) At the end of the meditation, after we moved through each Chakra, I felt, well..I'll just say what happened. The light in the room became brighter, I had my eyes closed, but I saw this brighter light, and felt a wave of...peace and calm. The light pulsed, and I sent out a "Thank you" to it, and felt more peace flow over me. I felt my mouth turn up into a smile...a smile I hadnt felt in a long time, that blissful "Buddha" smile. Thank you, Bill. :)

This says it all...

"I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes. I'm out of control and at times hard to handle, but if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best."
— Marilyn Monroe

(thanks sherry via linda...lol)

Yoga

I went to a yoga class last evening for the first time in several months. It was given by the yoga instructor who started me in Yoga.

I have revived my dream of wanting to become a yoga teacher.It has been pushed aside because of fear, lack of confidence...holding back from allowing my potential to "be".

I did poses last night I hadnt done in quite some time. Yes, I was a little rusty, and yes, the negative tapes inside my head started their cries of "See, you cant do this, youll never be good at this" blah blah blah. I talked back to them "I havent been in yoga class in at least 6 months if not longer. OF COURSE Im not gonna be as good as I was. But with time and practice, regular practice, I can get back and exceed where I was before. So, kindly shut up and let me enjoy this class." And, they did.

I went deeper into Downdog than I ever have. And again I thought while smiling "Yesss, this is why dogs do this all the time! It feels wunnnerrrfullll!"

While I didnt feel the amazing energy surges I have in the past...its hard to describe them...its like waves of pleasure, no not quite like an orgasm...but a bit similar- I guess its from the endorphin releases, or maybe the tension being released, Im not sure.Still, I know that yoga is going to help me, and has helped me, to become healthier, stronger and more confident.

I have kind of let things slide and fall to the wayside, get pushed back by fear and lack of trust and confidence in myself.

Well..not anymore!

I am going to start taking steps to get more into yoga, and start researching what I need to do to prepare to become a teacher. As well as working on my confedince and conquering, or at least taming my irrational fears, taht have been holding me back for so long.

So happy to be back on the mat! :)

I am not a terrorist!

The F.B.I. needs a spell check and grammar lesson...lol. (Yes, I know this is fake...just wanted to share what was in my inbox this morning.)

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To: undisclosed-recipients

Anti-Terrorist and Monetary Crimes Division
Fbi Headquarters In Washington, D.C.
Federal Bureau Of Investigation
J. Edgar Hoover Building
935 Pennsylvania Avenue, NW Washington, D.C. 20535-0001

Website: www.fbi.gov

Date: 01/7/2008

ATTENTION FUND BENEFICIARY,

This is an official advice from the fbi foreign Remittance / telegraphic dept.,it has come to our notice that the C.B.N Bank Nigeria district has released 10,500,000.00 US dollars into bank of America in your name as the beneficiary, by inheritance means. The C.B.N Bank Nigeria knowing fully well that they do not have Enough facilities to effect this payment from the united kingdom to your account, used what we know as a secret diplomatic transit payment (s.t.d.p) to pay this fund through wire transfer, they used this means to complete the payment.

They are still, waiting for confirmation from you on the already Transferred funds which were made in direct transfer so that they can do final crediting to your account.

Secret diplomatic payments are not made unless the funds are related to terrorist activities why must your payment be made in secret transfer, if your transaction is legitimate, if you are not a terrorist, then why did you not receive the money directly into your account; this is a pure coded, means of payment? Records which we have had with this method of payment in the past Has always been related to terrorist acts, we do not want you to get into trouble as soon as these funds reflect in your account in the U.S.A, so it is our duty as a world wide commission to correct this little problem before this fund will be credited into your personal account.

Due to the increased difficulty and unnecessary security by the American authorities when funds come from outside of Europe, and the Middle East, the f.b.i bank commission for Europe has stopped the transfer on its way to deliver payment of $10,500,000.00 to debit your reserve account and pay you through a secured diplomatic transit account (s.d.t.a). We govern and oversee funds transfer for the World Bank and the rest of the world.

We advice you contact us immediately, as the funds have been Stopped and are being held in our custody, until you can be able to provide us with a diplomatic immunity seal of transfer (dist) within 3 days from the world local bank that authorize the transfer from where the funds was transferred from to certify that the funds that you are about to receive from Nigeria are antiterrorist/drug free or we shall have cause to cross and impound the Payment, we shall release the funds immediately we receive this legal documents.

We have decided to contact you directly to acquire the proper Verifications and proof from you to show that you are the rightful person to receive this fund,because of the amount involve, we want to make sure is a clean and legal money you are about to receive.

Be informed that the fund are now in United State in your name, but right now we have ask the bank not to release the fund to anybody that comes to them, unless we ask them to do so, because we have to carry out our investigations first before releasing the fund to you.

Note that the fund is in the BANK OF AMERICA right now, but we have ask them not to credit the fund to you yet,

because we need a solid proof and Verifications from you before releasing the funds. So to this regards you are to re-assure and proof to us that what you are about to receive is a clean money by sending to us FBI Identification Record and also Diplomatic Immunity Seal Of Transfer(DIST) to satisfy to us that the money your about to receive is legitimate and real money.

You are to forward the documents to us immediately if you have it in your possession, if you don't have it let us know so that we will direct and inform you where to obtain the document and send to us so that we will ask the bank holding the funds, the Bank Of America to go ahead Crediting your account immediately.

These Documents are to be issued to you from the World Local Bank that Authorized the transfer, so get back to us immediately if you don't have the document so that we will inform you the particular place to obtain the document in United Kingdom (U.K), because we have come to realize that the fund was Authorized by (H.S.B.C) Bank in London. An FBI Identification Record and Diplomatic Immunity Seal Of Transfer (DIST) often referred to as a Criminal History Record or Rap Sheet, is a listing of certain information taken from fingerprint submissions retained by the FBI in connection with arrests and, in some instances, federal employment,naturalization, or military service.

These Condition Is Valid until 30th of January. 2009 after we shall take actions on Canceling the payment and then charge you for illegally moving funds out of Nigeria. Guarantee: funds will be released on confirmation of the document. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Final Instruction; 1. Credit payment instruction: irrevocable credit guarantee. 2. Beneficiary has full power when validation is cleared. 3. Beneficiaries bank in U.S.A., can only release funds. 4. Upon confirmation from the world bank / united nations. 5. Bearers must clear bank protocol and validation request. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ NOTE: We have asked for the above documents to make available the most complete and up-to date records possible for the enhancement of public safety, welfare and security of Society while recognizing the importance of individual privacy rights. If you fail to provide the Documents to us, we will charge you with the FBI and take our proper action against you for not proofing to us the legitimate of the fund you are about to receive. The United States Department of Justice Order 556-73 establishes rules and regulations for the subject of an FBI Identification Record to obtain a copy of his or her own Record for review.

The FBI Criminal Justice Information Services (CJIS) Division processes these requests to check illegal activities in U.S.A. An individual may request a copy of his or her own FBI Identification Record for personal review or to challenge information on the Record. Other reasons an individual may request a copy of his or her own Identification Record may include international adoption or to satisfy a requirement to live or work in a foreign country or receive funds from another country, i.e. Diplomatic Immunity Seal of Transfer, letter of good conduct, criminal history Background, etc.)

FBI Director Robert Mueller, III

Thoughts on today

As I walked my weekly dog customers today, a little early so I could watch the inauguration coverage, I was praying, and really getting worried, irrationally worried...about someone trying to kill Obama today, and/or all the people gathered to watch. That has been my biggest fear. That some crazy either right wing fundamentalist or some other group who is against freedom and good in the world will try to kill him.

As noon passed and I was finishing up my last walk, no calls came (I dont have a radio in my car) no text messages, so I assumed all was well.

I got home as fast as one can going up Peachtree Industrial around lunchtime... fixed a quick sandwich and settled in to watch history being made.

Some thoughts:

Aretha...Im sorry- and I am all for putting some soul into a song. But, all your wailing and screeching did not do justice to the song nor the day.

I hope they had more porta potties than the 5,000 CNN was reporting last week.


OK, the griping out of the way....

I wish Id gone now. To be in that historical place, surrounded by all that energy as people of all colors and ages came to celebrate being an American (been a long time since we actually wanted to celebrate that!) and to watch a page being written in the history books...wow, I can only imagine what that was like.

Loving the way Obama interacts with his girls. Including his main girl, his wife Michelle. So much love, lots of humor...I think she and their daughters will keep him grounded and laughing through his years as President.

His speech. These are some of my favorite excerpts:

"Today I say to you that the challenges we face are real. They are serious and they are many. They will not be met easily or in a short span of time. But know this, America: They will be met.

(*THIS* IS how a leader speaks...how a leader gives hope and confidence back to a nation who has lost both.)

On this day, we gather because we have chosen hope over fear, unity of purpose over conflict and discord."

(Love the hope over fear part. Hope always trumps fear. )

"What the cynics fail to understand is that the ground has shifted beneath them -- that the stale political arguments that have consumed us for so long no longer apply. The question we ask today is not whether our government is too big or too small, but whether it works"

(YES!The time has come to change the way we do things.And I believe Obama can do it! He doesnt seem to be the type to tolerate BS. Now, yes, theres a part of me that says yeah, he says all this today but once he gets to working with the Congress and Senate, he will either give up in the face of their stubborness or he will not get anything done. And I personally know what happens to people when you start to change things theyve done for years. They rebel.)


"As for our common defense, we reject as false the choice between our safety and our ideals."

In the year of America's birth, in the coldest of months, a small band of patriots huddled by dying campfires on the shores of an icy river. The capital was abandoned. The enemy was advancing. The snow was stained with blood. At a moment when the outcome of our revolution was most in doubt, the father of our nation ordered these words be read to the people:

"Let it be told to the future world ... that in the depth of winter, when nothing but hope and virtue could survive... that the city and the country, alarmed at one common danger, came forth to meet [it]."

America. In the face of our common dangers, in this winter of our hardship, let us remember these timeless words. With hope and virtue, let us brave once more the icy currents, and endure what storms may come. Let it be said by our children's children that when we were tested, we refused to let this journey end, that we did not turn back, nor did we falter; and with eyes fixed on the horizon and God's grace upon us, we carried forth that great gift of freedom and delivered it safely to future generations.

This speech stirred me to tears. Both for the history of the 1st African American president, but also because there was so much hope, and "take charge-ness" in it. Leadership.

I had a thought today after watching it. **This** is the kind of leader we need right now. Not some false machismo filled swaggering cowboy and his posse...but a strong confident intelligent calmly focused man, who is willing to roll up his sleeves and get down to business. And, he has no time nor patience for bullshit!

Wasted Time...and other things on my mind

I used to cherish my down time...when I had absolutely nothing to do and could rest. Now Im beginning to hate it. Because invariably, I get depressed. Usually because I dont do anything. Dont read, dont do yoga, dont do a darn thing but either watch TV or surf the net.

Why? I dont really know. Used to be money was my excuse...and I guess it could still work, but at the moment, Im...comfortable financially. And could afford to go do things. The BDSM things have been a bust the last 3 times Ive gone..and after wasting $75 I could have spent more wiesly and had more fun in a bookstore or even buying groceries...Ive kinda lost interest in expending the energy and money to go there.Nothing is cheap here it seems..and the munches are during the day or mid week and well..I had a bit of a problem (2 years ago!)at the one I did go to.

I am just restless and bored and feel like theres so much that I want to do and I lack the confidence/money/guts/motivation to get my ass off the couch and GET OUT AND DO IT!

Tonight I made a very catty comment to an online friend about the roomies...um..girlfriends. That got me thinking..why does it still get to me when he "entertains"?? He has proven time and time again that he "aint all that", and he admits he isnt...lol..we had a good conversation one time about it. It isnt so much that hes seeing other women, though it is a part of it, I guess. Its that..well..I cant have him anymore. I miss our times together, the sex, the conversations, going places, doing things, not just the sexual things.

He was my first. Yes, the first man I ever had sex with. At age 34. I was a late bloomer...wayyy late, I guess. He was the first man to ever make me feel good about myself-sexually (had to add that because there were 2 male nurses I worked with in the ER who helped me feel confident). He has shown me that I *can* dare to dream and speak up and do what *I* want. He has accepted and tolerates the darker side of me...something I havent learned to do myself.

Is anyone out there "all that"?

I am not all that either, so why do I think I need to find a man who is?

OK..Im not making much sense now...and Im even more depressed. No, dont worry, not suicidal. And deep down, I know what I need to do.

I just need to *do* something. Just get up and out and start living.

Without him, not for him, not for anyone.

For me.

We are amazing creations

OK..so Im still amazed over what I saw today. I attended "Bodies-the Exhibition" today at Atlantic Station.

Wow..I knew that Anatomy class in nursing school fascinated me...but seeing real bodies up close, dissected, seeing everything that is inside the human body opened up and on display...was just incredible.

If you havent seen this exhibition, I highly recommend it.

My favorite parts were- silly I know...but the bones in the ear that allow us to hear. They are sooo tiny!

And the display showing the entire body in two sections- the skeleton on one side and the muscles and other parts on the other.

Now...when I first read about this, I was kinda squicked and wondered how Id respond seeing and knowing these were real people, and that there was some controversy as to how the bodies were obtained and also whether it was dignified for them to be displayed as such. Well, the exhibition did not squick me at all. I know Im a former nurse, but I havent been around a dead body in, lets see...4 years. And, when I thought of the peoples souls/ spirits whatever...and whether their dignity was intact...I felt that yes, they were being treated and displayed with dignity. And, were helping to educate millions of people about the wonders of their own bodies. I found myself saying to them, mentally, not out loud-lol- "Thank you for teaching me and everyone else about ourselves." Kind of a Namaste, if you will...

Dream Interpretation anyone??

I had weird dreams last night...maybe it was all the yummy cherries I ate..I dunno...guess Ill find out if I have them again tonight because I ate about 20 cherries tonight too. LOL

OK..so..I cant recall if these were the same dream..they did happen close to each other....I am with a bunch of my friends from St Louis...were being held in some place...and turned into "perfect women" kinda like Stepford Wives meets Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind was what it was like. We all became hot blondes...and then we got things put on our heads and held down while they zapped our memories. I asked do they get rid of our childhood too? Then they grabbed me and zapped me..and when I became conscious I could remember my childhood but not much else. Then..I was with a bunch of men..we were making our way to this mountain stream...we walked into the middle of it..in the water...there were some big rocks to stand on..and all around were different sized lizards and baby dinosaur looking things. The men started picking them up and playing music on them..yes, playing the lizards. LOLThey told me in order for me to play them I had to kill it first. It wouldnt work right. And if I didnt kill it and do what they said, Id be punished. I felt very afraid of the men...and also extremely horrified that I had to kill this creature. I picked up this little baby dinosaur...he looked like Littlefoot from Land Before Time...just as cute as could be..HUGE sad eyes.I started crying and said I dont want to do this but theyre making me do this...and I screamed as I broke his neck. He didnt die but screamed too. I tried again but kept messing it up. I broke down sobbing...he was crying too.

Then I heard this rattling...like shells rubbing against each other..and felt something crawling on the underside of my arm. I lifted my arm and saw a tiny scorpion. I screamed and grabbed it off my shirt and threw it down. Then I heard it again and looked down and saw a BIG scorpion on my shirt on the right side. I screamed..and woke up screaming with my mouth closed.

*phew*

Any ideas what this could mean? Besides I shouldnt eat cherries before bed?