Wasted Time...and other things on my mind

I used to cherish my down time...when I had absolutely nothing to do and could rest. Now Im beginning to hate it. Because invariably, I get depressed. Usually because I dont do anything. Dont read, dont do yoga, dont do a darn thing but either watch TV or surf the net.

Why? I dont really know. Used to be money was my excuse...and I guess it could still work, but at the moment, Im...comfortable financially. And could afford to go do things. The BDSM things have been a bust the last 3 times Ive gone..and after wasting $75 I could have spent more wiesly and had more fun in a bookstore or even buying groceries...Ive kinda lost interest in expending the energy and money to go there.Nothing is cheap here it seems..and the munches are during the day or mid week and well..I had a bit of a problem (2 years ago!)at the one I did go to.

I am just restless and bored and feel like theres so much that I want to do and I lack the confidence/money/guts/motivation to get my ass off the couch and GET OUT AND DO IT!

Tonight I made a very catty comment to an online friend about the roomies...um..girlfriends. That got me thinking..why does it still get to me when he "entertains"?? He has proven time and time again that he "aint all that", and he admits he isnt...lol..we had a good conversation one time about it. It isnt so much that hes seeing other women, though it is a part of it, I guess. Its that..well..I cant have him anymore. I miss our times together, the sex, the conversations, going places, doing things, not just the sexual things.

He was my first. Yes, the first man I ever had sex with. At age 34. I was a late bloomer...wayyy late, I guess. He was the first man to ever make me feel good about myself-sexually (had to add that because there were 2 male nurses I worked with in the ER who helped me feel confident). He has shown me that I *can* dare to dream and speak up and do what *I* want. He has accepted and tolerates the darker side of me...something I havent learned to do myself.

Is anyone out there "all that"?

I am not all that either, so why do I think I need to find a man who is?

OK..Im not making much sense now...and Im even more depressed. No, dont worry, not suicidal. And deep down, I know what I need to do.

I just need to *do* something. Just get up and out and start living.

Without him, not for him, not for anyone.

For me.