Anxiety

Thinking I need to get me some of M A's anxiety medicine.

Last night it got a bit out of hand. The roomie had gone out, and had said he prolly wasnt going to be home till morning. So..of course, Im thinking, okay, this will be the night that the robbers whove been doing all the break-ins will come to my house. Of course, cause you just know theyve been casing the joint for weeks now. (yes, this is how my mind works when the anxiety snowball is rolling)

So, after checking that all the doors and windows were locked tight, outside lights on...I went to bed. Kept hearing strange noises, which, it was windy and colder, was mostly just the house and wind. Geezzz. But...then..something fell downstairs. It sounded like a plastic cup. I knew there was a plastic cup near the kitchen sink..so..my mind immediately thinks "Ok, someone has climbed in the kitchen window, wasnt it locked? I dont remember, OMG!" So I grab my cell phone, my glasses, which only have one temple piece...so could be knocked off easily, rendering me pretty much sightless (come closer Mr Robber, I cant see you-youre all blurry) and the small scissors I have in my bathroom drawer for good measure and head downstairs. I ahvent heard anything more...I look in the kitchen, cup is still where it was...I listen downstairs, nothing...then, the rational part of my brain speaks up and says "It was something in the recycling bin which is pretty much overflowing right now" I look, and sure enough, a peanut butter jar has fallen out.

Laughing at my silliness, I head back upstairs...but it takes me a long time to go to sleep. Every little noise startles me.

I do NOT like being alone in a house at night. I have never had my house broken into...Ive only been I guess youd say mugged once...and it was in a mall parking lot, some kids were going around hooking womens purses with a cane during Chriatmas shopping season and then driving off... I was walking out to my car, not paying much attention...I see this truck out of the corner of my eye, and feel my purse strap sliding down my arm. I look at it..and see a hooked cane on it..and look up and see the guy holding the other end...I jerk my arm around, ripping the cane out of his hands, and they speed off. Their truck had somethign over the back license plate so I couldnt get the number. Oooo..I was PISSED!!!After yelling at the truck a minute or so...I decide to go find security. I do, they call the cops.. I give them a description of the truck...and the cane. They catch the guys a few weeks later.

Thats my only experience.

So, why am I so scared to be alone in a house at night? And, Im sorry, but its not like I live with a big muscular he-man guy. My roomie has rheumatoid arthritis...and really, he wouldnt be much help if someone did break in. His power and strength are in his brain.Which could be helpful, I suppose.

I was ready to call a friend and get her out of her bed to come stay with me. Which is totally friggin ridiculous.It was freezing out...she lives about 20 miles from me...and..Im 41 years old. Time to quit being scared of the damn boogey man.

I slept with the scissors and my cell phone and worthless glasses beside me in the bed. I also worried Id somehow stab myself with the scissors in my sleep,but the robber fear outweighed that fear.

Gawd...why do I let my fears get so out of control??

I really really dont want to go to a doctor for pills. But it is getting a bit out of hand.

I have small hallucinations sometimes...mostly about bugs, after a cockroach decided to join me in the bathtub a few weeks ago, I cant take a relaxing bath now. I see shadows and think theyre bugs...and freak, then laugh at myself (sometimes) when I realize there is nothing there.

While my anxiety doesnt affect me like it used to, with nausea and intense fear of going out and being around people (no, it wasnt agoraphobia, I could go to the store, no problem, it was more going out to bars and with friends, to concerts and such) I still have alot of it..and it does keep me from doing things.

Like sleeping.

And living.

Off to do some yoga.