4 years ago (about the time I last posted in here, it seems...lol) I started practicing yoga. I went with a friend to this gentle class led by a physical therapist and yoga teacher. I had just quit smoking and wanted something to help me deal with the stress of nicotine withdrawal.
The first class I was amazed at what I could do, me, an out of shape, overweight, just recently quit smoking person who would go for short walks, but otherwise hadn't exercised in years. After the class,I felt both relaxed and energized- 2 things I could not recall EVER feeling together. I wanted more. A few classes alter, I made the comment to my teacher that someday I wanted to teach this to others because it was such an amazing experience.
Well, someday has arrived. The seed was planted back in 2007, began to germinate in 2009 when I came to Jai Shanti and met some amazing people who were in the training that year, as well as William (formerly known as Bill or Mr Bill on here)the owner. Earlier this year the seed sprouted. In January I wrote in my journal "Im really feeling drawn to YTT this year. Im feeling stronger than I ever have in my body and mind. I think its time. I see 2 obstacles to this happening. Money-how will I pay for it? And my fear of expressing myself in front of others."
Both those things were resolved 5 months later. The way to pay came, and along the way I learned that I *can* discipline myself and do what I need to do to achieve a goal. And that I can *set* goals. Something I really hadnt done ever before in my life.
I participated in a project/presentation at Jai Shanti called The Unity Project. It was designed around celebrating the Summer Solstice and the Divine Feminine. We all developed over 8 weeks personal stories, poems, skits, songs which showed our interpretation/interaction with the Divine Feminine in our lives. I wrote a poem "The Woman I am" At first- and for the first 3 weeks, I had nothing to share, I wasnt sure I belonged in the group-everyone else seemed so much more experessive than me, some worked in theater, some sang in choirs, otehrs were just way more outgoing. How could I- who could hardly find the courage to ask for what she needed from the world, stand up in front of these people and tell her story- which I hadnt even written yet? Then I watched this video
Wow. The ending was what got to me. The girl owning her emotions, letting the world see- no- DEMANDING the world allow her to express them. It is what makes girls girls. What make sus humans, as opposed to objects or property. I was inspired to rewrite a poem I had written "The Woman I Am". Over the next 3 weeks, this poem evolved...it wrote me...I was awakened at 4 am with words that just HAD to be written. I felt possessed by someone, something else. This is the result:
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The Woman I Am
I am a woman who is facing her fears and choosing to not let them overpower her
I am a woman who stands on her own 2 feet, and is learning to stand on her hands
I am a woman who believes in angels and calls on them regularly for help, for myself and others
I am a woman who talks to the animals, trees, sun, moon, creeks and rivers and listens for their answers and lessons
I am a woman who howls at the moon, and knows the moon smiles and howls back
I am a woman who is healing her wounded inner child, and discovering the Goddess within
I am a woman who dances around a bonfire, letting the drums awaken and enliven her body
I am a woman who wishes she could wrap her arms around the world and give it a big warm hug. And sometimes I try
I am a woman who plays the tambourine and dances like nobody’s watching. And sometimes like everybody's watching!
I am a woman who is working to forgive and heal her past, and in doing so, is healing her future
I am a woman who is inspired by other Divine Feminine beings in my life. My 4 yr old artist friend who paints purple suns and blue sharks swimming in the sky. A 42 yr old curvy yogini who reminds me to giggle and to breathe into the goodness I am. A 20 something pop star who tells me I am a Firework and encourages me to let my colors burst.Another who tells me I am perfect. A 50 yr old single mother who has lived all over the world, who inspires me to live and express myself more fully because it really doesn’t matter what anybody else thinks. My 72 yr old mother who could bear no children of her own, but sacrificed much to raise those of others, who taught me about cooking and coupons and stretching my food dollar. And all the yoga teachers who have touched my life, who remind me to breathe and who have helped me to see that I am strong, beautiful and can do more than I think I can.
I am a woman who cries, because I am happy, sad, angry, anxious, grateful, releasing some past hurt, or because the sky is so beautifully blue, the sunrise so breathtaking, or the moon so big and bright. Or a million other reasons. And I love those tears.
I am a woman who is choosing to be happy. Because she has grown tired of being sad
I am a woman who is discovering who she is, and who she is not
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Writing that poem was an affirmation of me. Standing in that room, in front of those people, saying- this is me. Baring my heart and soul to them, to the Universe, and saying, this is me, and I dont care what you think...wow. So empowering.
I found my voice...
The money had come...
I had turned in my application...
It was happening...it was *all* happening...
Monday, October 10, 2011
Monday, January 3, 2011
Just when I think Ive found confidence
It disappears. Or at least gets hidden.
Last November I attended a transformational breathwork class. I was somewhat reluctant to go but my favorite yoga teacher William said I *really* should go, so I did. And I am very glad I did, because it was a very transformational experience. A couple issues came up for me, big ones- my willingness to live and my birth mother.A very strong voice said "I want to be here!"- affirming that I do want to live, and that I belong here. Here as in on earth and alive. For many years I have struggled with depression and occasional suicidal thoughts.I have had this feeling deep inside that I didnt belong here, that I was a mistake and was unworthy of living. So to have this voice come from deep inside saying "I WANT TO BE HERE!!" was a pretty big thing.I felt affirmed as a human, affirmed that I do belong and am worthy of existing.
Then my birth mother came up. I wondered what it was like inside her. This was triggered by the fetal heart tones in the music the instructor was playing. I wondered what she felt, what she thought, did she want me? What did I feel from her? As I wondered if she wanted me, I felt the sense that she didnt want me. This brought some sadness, but the "I want to be here!" came up and got louder and louder. I wondered if she loved me. I wondered if she had gotten to hold me before having to give me up. I wodnered if I had touched her, if we had bonded. I visualized, and brought my hand up to touch her face. I felt a wave of love- pure, bright warm love- come back. I smiled and sent out some love to my birth mother,wherever she is.
After that class, for months I felt more solid, more "me" It wavered a bit off and on, but deep down there was still that solidness.
For the last 2 weeks it had gone, or at least Im not feeling it as strongly. It is still there, I did feel it Christmas week when I locked myself out of the Newfies house and also when my car doors were frozen and I figured out how to get them open. Deep down I knew that even though these problems were here, Id be okay and could come up with solutions.
For some reason, I now have this awkward,very uncomfortable in my skin feeling. I hold back from asking for want I want, from saying things I want to say, I dismiss my feelings as being too sensitive or just my distorted perception. I find it hard to relax.
I just dont know what happened to make that go away. I know I shouldnt get attached to the feelings, but, I cannot recall ever feeling that way in my entire life, so it is very hard not to.
I just today increased my St John's Wort, not sure if its my depression or just what. Im trying to think of it as growing pains, and that on the other side is something much better, that solid feeling coming back, maybe? I just dont know.
Last November I attended a transformational breathwork class. I was somewhat reluctant to go but my favorite yoga teacher William said I *really* should go, so I did. And I am very glad I did, because it was a very transformational experience. A couple issues came up for me, big ones- my willingness to live and my birth mother.A very strong voice said "I want to be here!"- affirming that I do want to live, and that I belong here. Here as in on earth and alive. For many years I have struggled with depression and occasional suicidal thoughts.I have had this feeling deep inside that I didnt belong here, that I was a mistake and was unworthy of living. So to have this voice come from deep inside saying "I WANT TO BE HERE!!" was a pretty big thing.I felt affirmed as a human, affirmed that I do belong and am worthy of existing.
Then my birth mother came up. I wondered what it was like inside her. This was triggered by the fetal heart tones in the music the instructor was playing. I wondered what she felt, what she thought, did she want me? What did I feel from her? As I wondered if she wanted me, I felt the sense that she didnt want me. This brought some sadness, but the "I want to be here!" came up and got louder and louder. I wondered if she loved me. I wondered if she had gotten to hold me before having to give me up. I wodnered if I had touched her, if we had bonded. I visualized, and brought my hand up to touch her face. I felt a wave of love- pure, bright warm love- come back. I smiled and sent out some love to my birth mother,wherever she is.
After that class, for months I felt more solid, more "me" It wavered a bit off and on, but deep down there was still that solidness.
For the last 2 weeks it had gone, or at least Im not feeling it as strongly. It is still there, I did feel it Christmas week when I locked myself out of the Newfies house and also when my car doors were frozen and I figured out how to get them open. Deep down I knew that even though these problems were here, Id be okay and could come up with solutions.
For some reason, I now have this awkward,very uncomfortable in my skin feeling. I hold back from asking for want I want, from saying things I want to say, I dismiss my feelings as being too sensitive or just my distorted perception. I find it hard to relax.
I just dont know what happened to make that go away. I know I shouldnt get attached to the feelings, but, I cannot recall ever feeling that way in my entire life, so it is very hard not to.
I just today increased my St John's Wort, not sure if its my depression or just what. Im trying to think of it as growing pains, and that on the other side is something much better, that solid feeling coming back, maybe? I just dont know.
Sunday, May 23, 2010
You *can* go home again
And when you do, you'll find some things have changed and others have stayed the same.
Changes- me- able to speak up and present a different opinion to others, especially to those whom have never allowed me to express my opinion on things. And they actually listened!
My parents house. Except the basement and bedrooms. The kitchen, dining room, bathrooms and living room are all different.Positive changes. They are pleased with them too. Never thought theyd be happy changing something. But they are.
The same- my dad's temper. And its ability to reduce me to a bundle of nerves. Unpredictable- he blows up once...is it over? Or is he just getting started? Will he drive everyone away this time? I felt myself actually zoning out, shutting down, not wanting to be there for what might come next. Luckily nothing more came. But I was triggered, and had to go out and pet the cat and breathe to get calmed down.
My parents stubborness. And their inability to see it. They can recognize it in others, and whoo-boy, can they criticize it. But cant see their own flaws. Oh, wait, if we dont talk about things, they dont exist. So, if I dont admit I have flaws and am stubborn, that means Im not. Right? Yep,m that's them.
Changes- me- able to speak up and present a different opinion to others, especially to those whom have never allowed me to express my opinion on things. And they actually listened!
My parents house. Except the basement and bedrooms. The kitchen, dining room, bathrooms and living room are all different.Positive changes. They are pleased with them too. Never thought theyd be happy changing something. But they are.
The same- my dad's temper. And its ability to reduce me to a bundle of nerves. Unpredictable- he blows up once...is it over? Or is he just getting started? Will he drive everyone away this time? I felt myself actually zoning out, shutting down, not wanting to be there for what might come next. Luckily nothing more came. But I was triggered, and had to go out and pet the cat and breathe to get calmed down.
My parents stubborness. And their inability to see it. They can recognize it in others, and whoo-boy, can they criticize it. But cant see their own flaws. Oh, wait, if we dont talk about things, they dont exist. So, if I dont admit I have flaws and am stubborn, that means Im not. Right? Yep,m that's them.
Friday, December 25, 2009
Christmas is the time to say I love you...isnt it?
Sorry to come back here with a bunch of negativity, but, I gotta get this out somewhere.Cant blog on Facebook about it because, well, its just too dark to put there. And family is there. The family who isnt dysfunctional and wouldn't understand.
Every holiday I go through this. I wait for my parents to call. they never do. The only time they have called me in the past 3 years has been when a natural disaster is hitting Atlanta. The tornadoes 2 years ago that went through downtown made them call, as did the one last year. And this year when we had a week of heavy rains and there was flooding all around. They didnt call on my birthday, Thanksgiving, Christmas, nothing.
Why does it matter? I suppose it shouldnt. but, you see, Im tired of waiting for them to call, to reach out, to dial my number-which is programmed into their cell phone, and wouldnt take much effort. The feeling I get when I wait for them to call and they dont is that I am not worthy of a 5 minute phone call. I am not worthy of costing them a few precious minutes of air time. I am not worth the effort.
Am I that bad a person to not be worth a few minutes of time or airtime? Are they that fucking cheap that they cant spend 5 minutes of their monthly air time allotment to call me? I cried for 30 minutes straight this afternoon, because it fucking hurts. To feel like you are not loved, by the fucking people who are supposed to love you unconditionally. But never have. I suppose because they never got it from anyone in their lives- which Im not sure is true, My grandpa- well, both of them actually gave it to me and others. I cant imagine them not giving it to my parents. My dad had a very rough childhood, mine pales in comparison. My mom had a better one, but she I think felt a bit out of place due to having had osteomyelitis as a child and having one leg shorter than the other, causing her to walk funny, and she wasnt able to do sports or things that other kids did. I am sure that affected her. my dads stepdad, the man I know as Grandpa Smith, didnt come into his life until he was an adult.And he had his share of problems due to shell shock from WW2.Alcoholism too-which he conquered when I was a child. But, he had a heart as big as he was (he was a very tall man-6'5" at least) And he and my dad had a very close bond.
I suffered a lot of emotional abuse from my father, and my mom, well, she was very submissive to him, and he abused her emotionally as well (he always bragged he never hit her! Good for you, Dad, you didnt have to, your words knocked her, and us down time and time again) she never once stood up to him, never once told him to stop when he was beating us kids either emotionally or physically. Yes, I do have a lot of anger towards her for this. That I have not dealt with.
I have dealt with my anger toward my dad, he kind of had an excuse, I guess i feel. his childhood sucked, and he didnt have anyone to show him the tools to take care of himself and deal with the pain from it. So, i can forgive him somewhat for what he did to us. mom, I havent been able to. She says shes a strong woman, and is proud of her stoicism and the crosses she bears. Shes a fucking martyr. When you ask her how she is, she will tell you "Im good, I have to be." no, mom, you dont. You can allow yourself to take a nap, to be sick, to be tired. To be fucking human.
So...what are my options. To continue calling them every holiday, resentful of the fact that *I* have to be the one to make the call, and feeling unloved because they cant for whatever fucking reason dial my damn number. Or, I can stop calling them all together and close off my heart to them. Or I can find a way to tell them how much it hurts me that they dont call, and hope that they will make an effort. Thats what Ive come up with. None seems like a very good option. If i tell them how hurt I am, they (as they ahve in the past) will either- not talk to me about it, because if we dont talk about a problem, it doesnt exist. or, they will tell me Im being too sensitive and that theres not a problem. If I keep calling them and letting the resentment build, it will hurt me more. If I close off my heart to them and stop contacting them all together, I lose my family. For all their dysfunction, they are still my family. I see only more pain that way.
I asked a friend when I will stop seeking the love that my parents obviosuly cant give me. He replied when I finally love myself and stop seeking that love from others. I dont know if thats true. I know I havent been very loving toward myself lately. But Im not sure thats entirely the solution.
I cant wait for the holidays to be over. If I see one more damn " this is how a family should be and if yours isnt, well, you suck" commercial, I am gonna hurt the TV. Which is why Ive turned on the digital music channel. :-)
Hope your Christmas didnt suck. Mine did have a few good moments, a wonderful yoga class with one of my favorite teachers, and a bouncing black lab playing with a squeaky carrot (like in the movie "Bolt")
Every holiday I go through this. I wait for my parents to call. they never do. The only time they have called me in the past 3 years has been when a natural disaster is hitting Atlanta. The tornadoes 2 years ago that went through downtown made them call, as did the one last year. And this year when we had a week of heavy rains and there was flooding all around. They didnt call on my birthday, Thanksgiving, Christmas, nothing.
Why does it matter? I suppose it shouldnt. but, you see, Im tired of waiting for them to call, to reach out, to dial my number-which is programmed into their cell phone, and wouldnt take much effort. The feeling I get when I wait for them to call and they dont is that I am not worthy of a 5 minute phone call. I am not worthy of costing them a few precious minutes of air time. I am not worth the effort.
Am I that bad a person to not be worth a few minutes of time or airtime? Are they that fucking cheap that they cant spend 5 minutes of their monthly air time allotment to call me? I cried for 30 minutes straight this afternoon, because it fucking hurts. To feel like you are not loved, by the fucking people who are supposed to love you unconditionally. But never have. I suppose because they never got it from anyone in their lives- which Im not sure is true, My grandpa- well, both of them actually gave it to me and others. I cant imagine them not giving it to my parents. My dad had a very rough childhood, mine pales in comparison. My mom had a better one, but she I think felt a bit out of place due to having had osteomyelitis as a child and having one leg shorter than the other, causing her to walk funny, and she wasnt able to do sports or things that other kids did. I am sure that affected her. my dads stepdad, the man I know as Grandpa Smith, didnt come into his life until he was an adult.And he had his share of problems due to shell shock from WW2.Alcoholism too-which he conquered when I was a child. But, he had a heart as big as he was (he was a very tall man-6'5" at least) And he and my dad had a very close bond.
I suffered a lot of emotional abuse from my father, and my mom, well, she was very submissive to him, and he abused her emotionally as well (he always bragged he never hit her! Good for you, Dad, you didnt have to, your words knocked her, and us down time and time again) she never once stood up to him, never once told him to stop when he was beating us kids either emotionally or physically. Yes, I do have a lot of anger towards her for this. That I have not dealt with.
I have dealt with my anger toward my dad, he kind of had an excuse, I guess i feel. his childhood sucked, and he didnt have anyone to show him the tools to take care of himself and deal with the pain from it. So, i can forgive him somewhat for what he did to us. mom, I havent been able to. She says shes a strong woman, and is proud of her stoicism and the crosses she bears. Shes a fucking martyr. When you ask her how she is, she will tell you "Im good, I have to be." no, mom, you dont. You can allow yourself to take a nap, to be sick, to be tired. To be fucking human.
So...what are my options. To continue calling them every holiday, resentful of the fact that *I* have to be the one to make the call, and feeling unloved because they cant for whatever fucking reason dial my damn number. Or, I can stop calling them all together and close off my heart to them. Or I can find a way to tell them how much it hurts me that they dont call, and hope that they will make an effort. Thats what Ive come up with. None seems like a very good option. If i tell them how hurt I am, they (as they ahve in the past) will either- not talk to me about it, because if we dont talk about a problem, it doesnt exist. or, they will tell me Im being too sensitive and that theres not a problem. If I keep calling them and letting the resentment build, it will hurt me more. If I close off my heart to them and stop contacting them all together, I lose my family. For all their dysfunction, they are still my family. I see only more pain that way.
I asked a friend when I will stop seeking the love that my parents obviosuly cant give me. He replied when I finally love myself and stop seeking that love from others. I dont know if thats true. I know I havent been very loving toward myself lately. But Im not sure thats entirely the solution.
I cant wait for the holidays to be over. If I see one more damn " this is how a family should be and if yours isnt, well, you suck" commercial, I am gonna hurt the TV. Which is why Ive turned on the digital music channel. :-)
Hope your Christmas didnt suck. Mine did have a few good moments, a wonderful yoga class with one of my favorite teachers, and a bouncing black lab playing with a squeaky carrot (like in the movie "Bolt")
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
What an amazing way to start the day :)
This morning the alarm went off at 3:15am. Ugh...not yet! OH wait! This is THE morning! Im gonna do yoga with da fishies! OK- that got me up (ok, a few minutes later-lol) Quick check of the email, glass of juice and a banana, thats all Im gonna eat. Got directions and instructions on where to meet, ok, Im off.
No traffic (hello- it was 4:15! lol) and a beautiful view of the city- Ive always loved to look at cities at night, and Atlanta is one of the more beautiful ones Ive seen. I found the exit and the Aquarium parking garage no problem, which is amazing for me, usually when I go somewhere in the city for the first time I get lost. LOL. OK, I park and go in, and find the room where the yoga class will be. A local TV show was doing a segment on the Yoga at the Aquarium program Be Well Atlanta has( heres a link to the video- http://www.cbsatlanta.com/video/18791620/index.html - Im the purple blur way in the back on the pink mat-lol), and I had gotten a free chance to do it-something Ive wanted to experience since first hearing about it.
There were several people there, maybe 15 already, more came in. The aquarium was dark, but soon I noticed one of the belugas had come up to the window and was watching us. I walked over, feeling the energy of the experience already, knowing I was in for something amazing. Maybe it was the sleep deprivation..or maybe I was just open to it because of it...but I felt a connection to the beluga. I watched him swim back and forth, the rest of the tank still dark and kinda scary, but seeing his smiling face I couldnt help but smile myself.I talked with a couple people who were also watching the whale, and then walked back to my mat and got ready to begin. I saw Bill and Chris and Stephen from Jai Shanti there, so yay- I knew people! Bill was leading the class, and I was glad, he gives off the most amazing energy- peaceful, accepting, calming.
He took us through some easy poses, and a couple hard ones which I struggled with- but as he says- "Its all good"- no judgement here, just doing and being :) I loved the way he intermingled some ocean metaphors into the class- I *was* the kelp waving in the ocean current, I *did* reach out and tickle the whale with my foot, I even rubbed his belly :) I * did* float on the surface of the ocean when we were going into Savasana- the dolphins (my addition to his suggestion) swimming nearby, playing,their smiles matching mine as I settled onto my floating mat.
I felt so relaxed, and yet energized too, which is how a good yoga session always makes me feel. :) As we came out of Savasana and he told us to give ourselves a big hug, I did, grateful to myself for taking the chance of emailing my reply, thinking I didnt have a chance at getting in because it was already 3 pm and Kimberly had emailed the notice early that morning, feeling grateful to her for picking me- feeling grateful to Bill for such an amazing class, to the Beluga for sharing his energy with me and the rest of the class, to yoga itself for changing my life- body,mind and spirit. :) I felt those familiar tears welling up, and more came up as we ended and Bill told us to go share our "shimmer" with the people we came in contact with today.
I was reminded of Shawn Mullins song "Shimmer" and the part that always makes me cry-
"I want to shimmer,I want to shine, I want to radiate, I want to live, want to love, I want to try to learn how not to hate."
Always makes me cry, because theres a part of me that wants SO badly to shine through all the negativity of my past,to shine so brightly I burn off all the negative faeries, to live free of fear and uncertainty (well- irrational fear anyways) this part of me that I can sometimes feel, so big and warm and happy and just...shimmering!Shes there- I know she is. :)
And I think yoga can help me get in touch with that part of me. I know it can, because its whats helped me to even feel shes there.
3 years ago, I didnt have a clue she was inside me. :)
Thursday, February 12, 2009
Hey there lonely girl...
Started this Tuesday night....
Perhaps its just because Valentine's Day is coming up. Perhaps its because Im alone tonight, and have been told, and *know* that I need to start liking my own company.
Whatever...Im bored, lonely and trying really hard to not eat the rest of the Oreos and cry myself to sleep. (Ate 4 Oreos and a glass of soymilk and went to bed, not crying, but still a bit lonely. Felt better after chatting with my niece and another online friend who always makes me laugh...thanks guys!)
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Thursday am
Last week in the Living Room Dance with Intimacy thing, after saying something I struggled with on a daily basis (fear) I was asked what fear, if I didnt have it, would change how I lived my life and everything in it.( Or something like that- I apologize for not remembering) I said "My fear of being alone" (and I really hope the man I said that too didnt think of it as a come on- it wasnt) because, if I didnt have it, I would maybe be more happy and do more for myself, enjoy my life more.
Maybe I wouldn't be so scared to do things alone that I really want to do, but dont because I dont want to do them alone. Mostly travel ,go to new restaurants or different places around Atlanta,museums, exhibits, etc.
I just do not like being alone.For most of my teen years, I stayed alone in my room. My dad hated my friends, and when Id ask to go do things with them, or sometimes even just to get out of the house, hed either yell at me as to why it was so bad for me to be around them, or ignore me. So, in time, I quit asking. Quit going out. Stayed in my room with my radio and my cat.She loved me as long as I didnt sing to her.(she swatted my face one time I sang to her-lol) Maybe thats why I hate it. It reminds me of that time.
I have always been this way, well, for awhile in my 20's, I did enjoy my alone time, I had friends, and either went and did things with them or people from work, or went alone, and wasnt bothered most of the time that I was alone. I took myself to see one of my favorite singers(Steve Perry) for my birthday when he came to St Louis, stayed in a hotel downtown, took a cab to the concert, ate out after at a little diner that people from the concert were going to, I had a great time! I did lots of things like that.
Somewhere between age 27 (then) and 41 (now) I started to listen to those who told me well, there must be something wrong with you if youre alone at this age, when are you gonna marry, and all the other crap. Nothing about how independent I was, just about how Id better find a mate and get busy doing whatever couples do, time was running out.
Sorry, got off on a tangent there. Not really what I wanted to talk about. :)
Anyways, somewhere during that time, I decided I was tired of living alone, of doing for me, so began to be needy and codependent. Or maybe I was always that way, and just around that time I began dating more, getting closer to men so those characteristics came to the front. I dont know. I became helpless, to some extent, had trouble paying my bills and was always looking for someone to help me fix my messed up life and self.
Id like to think Im not like that anymore, and for the most part, Im not. I pay my own way, even enjoy the fact that I work hard and pay my own way and have for a few years now. I have done A LOT of self discovery and healing and am more confident in my ability to take care of myself. I had to borrow money from a friend to pay rent last week, and it was sooo rough!
I posted on another online group Im in for single people, asking how they learned to like being alone, if they had, and how did they deal with loneliness. One reply stuck out to me, saying, there is so much hype about how single people *must* enjoy being alone, if they dont, then somethings wrong with them. THANK YOU! He said everyone feels alone sometimes (and I happen to know quite a few married people who feel alone even lying beside their sposues-so theres no guarantee that once youve got that ring, or that person beside you in the bed that youre not gonna be lonely) so it is normal to feel this way.
And really the other night when I wrote the beginning of this, I didnt act on those feelings, much. I didnt eat the entire bag of Oreos- only ate 4, I didnt curl up in a ball on my bed and cry myself to sleep, didnt seek out a man to have sex with mainly because I dont know anyone here very well, and no one was around.
I dont do casual sex or one night stands. Tried once, and he stayed too long, I guess, because I fell very hard for him in the 8 hours we spent together. My roomie (who Ive been friends withbenefits with before but weve decided it isnt healthy for us to go there anymore) wasnt home so he wasnt around, and we havent gone there in over a year- we just dont cross that line anymore- thank goodness! I wouldnt even have asked him, really.
No, instead of all that,I got online and started to write about what I was feeling, but then my niece came along, and my other online friend and I got distracted by them making me laugh and feel better. So I handled it better than I used to.
I think Im just being impatient. I've only just started (again) to get out and build a life I love. Its gonna take time to find what I like, meet people who I like -I have found some at Jai Shanti-really hope to delve deeper into that community-the people seem more...genuine, I guess, maybe more down to earth than at another similar community Ive been around.Maybe Im just more open than I was with the other people. I dont know.
Time to walk some dogs and clean a house.
Will write more later, maybe. Got to post about Rabbit Pose too. :)
Perhaps its just because Valentine's Day is coming up. Perhaps its because Im alone tonight, and have been told, and *know* that I need to start liking my own company.
Whatever...Im bored, lonely and trying really hard to not eat the rest of the Oreos and cry myself to sleep. (Ate 4 Oreos and a glass of soymilk and went to bed, not crying, but still a bit lonely. Felt better after chatting with my niece and another online friend who always makes me laugh...thanks guys!)
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Thursday am
Last week in the Living Room Dance with Intimacy thing, after saying something I struggled with on a daily basis (fear) I was asked what fear, if I didnt have it, would change how I lived my life and everything in it.( Or something like that- I apologize for not remembering) I said "My fear of being alone" (and I really hope the man I said that too didnt think of it as a come on- it wasnt) because, if I didnt have it, I would maybe be more happy and do more for myself, enjoy my life more.
Maybe I wouldn't be so scared to do things alone that I really want to do, but dont because I dont want to do them alone. Mostly travel ,go to new restaurants or different places around Atlanta,museums, exhibits, etc.
I just do not like being alone.For most of my teen years, I stayed alone in my room. My dad hated my friends, and when Id ask to go do things with them, or sometimes even just to get out of the house, hed either yell at me as to why it was so bad for me to be around them, or ignore me. So, in time, I quit asking. Quit going out. Stayed in my room with my radio and my cat.She loved me as long as I didnt sing to her.(she swatted my face one time I sang to her-lol) Maybe thats why I hate it. It reminds me of that time.
I have always been this way, well, for awhile in my 20's, I did enjoy my alone time, I had friends, and either went and did things with them or people from work, or went alone, and wasnt bothered most of the time that I was alone. I took myself to see one of my favorite singers(Steve Perry) for my birthday when he came to St Louis, stayed in a hotel downtown, took a cab to the concert, ate out after at a little diner that people from the concert were going to, I had a great time! I did lots of things like that.
Somewhere between age 27 (then) and 41 (now) I started to listen to those who told me well, there must be something wrong with you if youre alone at this age, when are you gonna marry, and all the other crap. Nothing about how independent I was, just about how Id better find a mate and get busy doing whatever couples do, time was running out.
Sorry, got off on a tangent there. Not really what I wanted to talk about. :)
Anyways, somewhere during that time, I decided I was tired of living alone, of doing for me, so began to be needy and codependent. Or maybe I was always that way, and just around that time I began dating more, getting closer to men so those characteristics came to the front. I dont know. I became helpless, to some extent, had trouble paying my bills and was always looking for someone to help me fix my messed up life and self.
Id like to think Im not like that anymore, and for the most part, Im not. I pay my own way, even enjoy the fact that I work hard and pay my own way and have for a few years now. I have done A LOT of self discovery and healing and am more confident in my ability to take care of myself. I had to borrow money from a friend to pay rent last week, and it was sooo rough!
I posted on another online group Im in for single people, asking how they learned to like being alone, if they had, and how did they deal with loneliness. One reply stuck out to me, saying, there is so much hype about how single people *must* enjoy being alone, if they dont, then somethings wrong with them. THANK YOU! He said everyone feels alone sometimes (and I happen to know quite a few married people who feel alone even lying beside their sposues-so theres no guarantee that once youve got that ring, or that person beside you in the bed that youre not gonna be lonely) so it is normal to feel this way.
And really the other night when I wrote the beginning of this, I didnt act on those feelings, much. I didnt eat the entire bag of Oreos- only ate 4, I didnt curl up in a ball on my bed and cry myself to sleep, didnt seek out a man to have sex with mainly because I dont know anyone here very well, and no one was around.
I dont do casual sex or one night stands. Tried once, and he stayed too long, I guess, because I fell very hard for him in the 8 hours we spent together. My roomie (who Ive been friends withbenefits with before but weve decided it isnt healthy for us to go there anymore) wasnt home so he wasnt around, and we havent gone there in over a year- we just dont cross that line anymore- thank goodness! I wouldnt even have asked him, really.
No, instead of all that,I got online and started to write about what I was feeling, but then my niece came along, and my other online friend and I got distracted by them making me laugh and feel better. So I handled it better than I used to.
I think Im just being impatient. I've only just started (again) to get out and build a life I love. Its gonna take time to find what I like, meet people who I like -I have found some at Jai Shanti-really hope to delve deeper into that community-the people seem more...genuine, I guess, maybe more down to earth than at another similar community Ive been around.Maybe Im just more open than I was with the other people. I dont know.
Time to walk some dogs and clean a house.
Will write more later, maybe. Got to post about Rabbit Pose too. :)
Saturday, February 7, 2009
Lonely Space
It waits for me to enter
To fill it with my breath, my smile, my tears
Ganesh looks out the window at the trees, patiently waiting for my “Namaste, Ganesh”
Always ready to remove the obstacles I place before me
Piglet and Pooh ponder the butterfly waiting to inspire me to shed my caterpillar ways and start to fly
The Tiger and Leopard watch them and the door, hoping it will open soon and I will look into their majestic faces once more
The 6 red Buddhas from the flea market sit on the windowsill. They are new here, and smile as they wait to see what goes on in this room
The tea lights wait to be lit, to give warmth to the brass bowl that sits nearby, silent.
Peace and Hope sit on the windowsill beside the glass enclosed Chinese carving , missing my touching their softness as I look out the window at the backyard before beginning
The books are piled on the floor, still waiting for the bookshelves that have been promised
So what is it that keeps me out of this space?
The space I created for myself
The space to do Yoga, the thing that brings me joy, calm and healing
Why dont I open the door?
To fill it with my breath, my smile, my tears
Ganesh looks out the window at the trees, patiently waiting for my “Namaste, Ganesh”
Always ready to remove the obstacles I place before me
Piglet and Pooh ponder the butterfly waiting to inspire me to shed my caterpillar ways and start to fly
The Tiger and Leopard watch them and the door, hoping it will open soon and I will look into their majestic faces once more
The 6 red Buddhas from the flea market sit on the windowsill. They are new here, and smile as they wait to see what goes on in this room
The tea lights wait to be lit, to give warmth to the brass bowl that sits nearby, silent.
Peace and Hope sit on the windowsill beside the glass enclosed Chinese carving , missing my touching their softness as I look out the window at the backyard before beginning
The books are piled on the floor, still waiting for the bookshelves that have been promised
So what is it that keeps me out of this space?
The space I created for myself
The space to do Yoga, the thing that brings me joy, calm and healing
Why dont I open the door?
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