Send good thoughts please...

We had to send roomie to ER this morning about 4. He has a possible ileus...which is basically that because of anesthesia, narcotics and lack of activity his intestines have slowed down so much he isnt passing gas or anything else. They have an NG tube down his nose into his stomach and hooked up to gentle suction to relieve the gas and pressure. Theyre going to be admitting him...this time hes in the *good* big prestigious university hospital not just their crappy (IMHO) affiliate. Begins with an E. ;)

He had seemed to be doing ok last evening...though he was feeling bloated. He had 2 enemas last night..no relief nor results...and wasnt passing gas. My former nurse spidey senses were saying SEND HIM TO THE ER. Well..we did the rational thing first- since my spidey sense sometimes get clouded by anxiety and we called his surgeon..who happened to be on call. He called back at 2:30 am...and recommended another enema "in the morning" and some Mag Citrate. Um..no..my gut told me this wasnt a good recommendation and neither roomie nor I were comfortable following it. So, I talked to the E Hospital ER charge nurse..and he recommended we bring him in right away. I mean, just how long do you wait to see if it is an obstruction? Till his bowel perforates?? Thank you, Mr Surgeon.grrr

So his brother and his mom got him in the car and took him in about 4 am.

Send him some good thoughts please.

Tired Thanks

8 cats fed watered and litterboxes cleaned...9 dogs walked and or let outside for a bit...watered and fed and belly rubs and back scratches given and purr therapy received...and I am one tired puppy.Not all those animals were individual appointments...though I did have 14 different appointments today. No wonder Im tired...lol.

But thankful that roomie is home from the hospital. Doing well so far.

Thankful for...Egg McMuffins

Figuring out how to work out my schedule above and clean a house for 2 hours...and drive everywhere without wasting gas or time...or at least not too much of either.

Turkey sandwiches...yummmm

Fuzzy blankies

Orange juice

Catching the traffic on Ashford Dunwoody Rd at just the right moment twice today. Its one of those roads where at certain times of the day, it is impossible to turn left on. It was empty twice today for me...:)

Sleep...which I am about to get me some of...right about now.

G'nite!

Quick thanks

Tears

Naps

Talking things out...rationally.

A pitbull named Snoop who turned out to be a very nice and well behaved dog.

Ginger Tea

Beautiful sunsets

Seeing my first deer in Georgia (I didnt think there were any here...lol)

Fighting Chihuahuas that make me laugh (sweetpea and roomies parents' dog play fight all the time- it is so funny to watch)

German Shepherds with cock-eyed ears.

Online friends who come on to chat just when you need to vent a whole bunch of stuff. And who understand anxiety. :) Thank you ever so much ,flutter...hugggsss

Wacky Wednesday

Phew..I made it. good lord, I think I drove all over ATL today.

This morning..I powered through 4 visits...3 of which were cats so theyre easy...food,water,litterbox...purr therapy for me...:)

Then I went to the hospital to see the roomie who has had spinal surgery- 3 decompressed vertebra and one fusion.Remember that nasty rant? Well..it was me being overwhelmed and bitchy. Very bitchy. Like ultimately selfish bitchy. I am so sorry for even thinking those thoughts.

Roomie told me when I came in "Youre not allowed to bring your bad morning in here" I was smiling..and said, Um, Im actually having a good morning...why?" And he proceeded to tell me. Im not going to go into detail...but lets just say...I expected more from a hospital that bears the name of one of the most prestigious universities and medical schools in the country if not the world.

I was witness to some of the incompetency...and was horrified to think that these people care for patients whove just had SPINAL surgery!!! OK..what prompted that comment was the PTs...and the brace guy who had told roomie yesterday that none of his nurses or PTs needed to be there to watch them put on his brace, as it was "really easy and no big deal"(I didnt witness that, thank god) today...there were 3 PT's who came in to help him into his brace and get up to the bathroom.OK..first incompetency...he said he wasnt strong enough to push himself up with one arm (he has JRA)from the bed. Oh, wait, no there was the slight twisting he did which they just brushed off, but I and he were VERY concerned about.Um..it says right on the board in the room...NO TWISTING. Helll-oooo! OK...the PT sounded like she was kind of arguing with him about his ability to push himself up. In my opinion...since his surgery was only Monday...the PT's should ahve been helping him more. But, I guess that really is what tehy do, encourage people to do for themselves.These girls just didnt go about it right. OK..so he got into a sitting postion, they helped him a little bit. Then came the brace. OT said shed never seen that type of brace but "between the 3 of us we can figure it out" OK..having been a nurse for 16 years, I do understand that sometimes ya gotta wing it. And yes, having 3 people trying to figure it out is better than just 1. OK..so, they get the brace on teh way they think its supposed to go. Roomie keeps telling them it doesnt feel right.They say, "well, youre just not used to it yet", and "when the brace guy comes here he can readjust it". Roomie keeps insisting he doesnt feel comfortable getting up with the brace not feeling right. They keep telling him its normal for it to be uncomfortable.He gets more and more irate, insisting it isnt on right. Finally the OT girl goes and "looks it up online". Yes, they had it on wrong. And they all brush this off and act like that isnt a big deal that tehy put a brace on wrong and wnated a patient to get up with an improperly fitted brace.Roomie (thank goodness hes stubborn)refuses to get up without the brace being done right. And insists that he wont get up till the brace guy comes (he was scheduled for that morning but hadnt showed as of 12) He and one of the PT's have a heated discussion...yes, part of his problem was anxiety...but it was justifiable. the man has just had surgery on his spine, and been told he is not to twist or do much activity, and he is to wear that brace at all times when hes out of bed, even just to go to the bathroom. And he was about 48 hours post op ferchrissakes!! Hes been told by the doc the risks if he somehow messes up the fusion. Pain, nerve damage, possible paralysis. Um, yeah, Id be adamant about the brace too!!

They just didnt seem to get that, to get the seriousness of it.

Which scares me.

I expected more from this "specialty" hospital. Frankly, it seems as if they chose that place (its in an old hospital building, well, the building isnt old, the hospital that was there closed down a couple years ago)and said "OK, lets put a spine hospital here" threw up some signs..and opened for business.


OK..what am I thankful for today?

Hmm...bananas.

Quik Trip and their low gas prices and coffee.

Naps- and my listening to my body saying it needed some down time. Even if it was only for 30 minutes, it gave me my second wind.

Purr monsters with faulty brakes (the aforementioned 5 month old purr monster kept running around this morning and when hed try to stop hed skid- it was hilarious!)

Sweetpea

Tuesday Thanks

Subway tuna sandwiches

Helpful Newfies who give suprisingly dry and gentle kisses. (the Newfies are not people, theyre dogs..I clean their house every Tuesday as well as pet sit for them- they always "help" me clean..usually by either wanting me to play...or putting their huge paws on the dust mop as I go over the floor...but their fave thing to do is to get into the dust piles Ive swept up. LOL-yeah, lotsa help!)

Good dogs who know what their routine is..and dont get mad at the humans who dont know it...they just look at me quizzically and go along with it. LOL

My car

Synchronicity (is that the right word? Im too tired to look it up tonight-sorry) bringing me things just when I need them...or when I have hoped for them.

Last minute pet sitting appointments from my regular customers. :)

Thankful post of the day

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T75s2RBQhSM

Im thankful for that video...LOL.

Kittehs that purr loudly, even if they dont want you to pet them.Dont know why she was purring...this cat is not known for her...um...niceness...she doesnt care for strangers in her house. Maybe she was thankful I was there to clean her litterbox. LOL

Cell phones with alarms...even if at 5:45 am I read them wrong and think its time to get up..when I still have an HOUR to go. LOL Ah well..Sweetpea and I got some bellyrubbin' time in, so its all good..;)

Gas at $1.74 a gallon. :)

Sorry..I had to post it...lol

see more puppies

Thanksgiving Week

Yes, its gonna be corny...but I decided this morning Im going to post something or things that Im thankful for each day this week.

Today, I am thankful for...

5 month old purr monsters that sit in my lap and work their magic on my heart. Thank you, Jake for your morning purrs and making me smile.

Cold morning walks with an energy filled dog.

A job that I love

A car to get me to that job

Coffee

Good food in my house and tummy.

Friends and family.

WARNING: RANTING AHEAD

And some bitching and moaning and whining too.

Just some things I gotta get off my chest...

To whomever has my change box, which I either left in the shopping cart due to my stoopidity, or left in my car all night due to also my stoopidity:

I hope you used my money for good...like, maybe you were a single mom whod scraped her own change together to go buy milk or food for her kids, and hey, whats this in my shopping cart? A purple plastic box with lots of change? About $25 worth? OH THANK YOU!! Now I can buy milk and eggs and bread and maybe some fruit too, my baby loves bananas and apples.

Yeah, thats the vision Im gonna keep...not that some fucking punk was out at 3 am breaking into cars and found my change box and then went and bought booze/crack/pot with it.

And when is my damn brain gonna start working??

And when am I gonna realize that doing yoga half ass one day a week just aint helping?

And that maybe I wouldnt yell and get all ghetto on the big ass truck that pulled up on my bumper while I was on my way to my evening pet sitting apointment if I did more yoga and actually took the time to breathe and relax. (getting all ghetto means in this instance yelling "Does that make you feel all big and shit muthfucka??" to a redneck asshole in his HUGE ass Ford 450- complete with head bobbing, weaving whatever...and dont forget the hand and arm gestures. Im sure he loved that)

OK..roomie...I know Im supposed to be this caring compassionate wunnerful person *cough cough* but...you have sucked my last bit of compassion.Yes, you have spinal stenosis...yes, its terrifying Id imagine to think that you might get rearended and snap your spine. If it was me..Id prolly be wrapping myself in bubble wrap and lying in bed. But goddamit..get your bitches to come over and pick up your papers and help with your shoes and moving crap and shit. Tonight...I was upset.. because once again..it was me going to the store..once again I was spending my money on groceries. Yes, I realize I get that back ,either by having my part of the bills reduced by that amount (which I still cant wrap my head around being fair somehow I always feel screwed without lube) Im just tired of you very rarely (cause he does buy them...occasionally) buying groceries.

Oh, and goddammit, once again..I have to wait to cash my cleaning checks. YES, you are right, Mr Financial Wizard..if I cashed it, Id have it spent by now. On that ticket...on some spaceheaters...on some more groceries...like more fruit and tuna and shit I couldnt buy yesterday. Is it too DAMN much to ask for you to learn how to run a damn company so you can pay your employees..oh, excuse ,me.independent contractors. If I wasnt your friend and roomie..id have quit a long time ago. What fucking right do you have to hold my checks because you dont want me to spend my money. Who gave you that power...oh wait..*I* did!! GODDAMMMIT!(said in my best Cartman voice)

*sighs* I know much of this is irrational and judgemental and probably has a bit of jealousy thrown in for kicks...but dammit...this isnt working for me..and I dont know how to get out of it. I am not happy living with him...but Im not sure Id be happy alone either.

Somethings gotta give..and I dont want it to be me.

Maybe a little...but Im not giving all the way.

OK..Im tired..and cold..feeling a bit better getting that out...thanks.

F.Y.I.

Medical dictionaries with scary pictures and even scarier definitions make GREAT yoga props.

:) Feelin' much better

Anxiety

Thinking I need to get me some of M A's anxiety medicine.

Last night it got a bit out of hand. The roomie had gone out, and had said he prolly wasnt going to be home till morning. So..of course, Im thinking, okay, this will be the night that the robbers whove been doing all the break-ins will come to my house. Of course, cause you just know theyve been casing the joint for weeks now. (yes, this is how my mind works when the anxiety snowball is rolling)

So, after checking that all the doors and windows were locked tight, outside lights on...I went to bed. Kept hearing strange noises, which, it was windy and colder, was mostly just the house and wind. Geezzz. But...then..something fell downstairs. It sounded like a plastic cup. I knew there was a plastic cup near the kitchen sink..so..my mind immediately thinks "Ok, someone has climbed in the kitchen window, wasnt it locked? I dont remember, OMG!" So I grab my cell phone, my glasses, which only have one temple piece...so could be knocked off easily, rendering me pretty much sightless (come closer Mr Robber, I cant see you-youre all blurry) and the small scissors I have in my bathroom drawer for good measure and head downstairs. I ahvent heard anything more...I look in the kitchen, cup is still where it was...I listen downstairs, nothing...then, the rational part of my brain speaks up and says "It was something in the recycling bin which is pretty much overflowing right now" I look, and sure enough, a peanut butter jar has fallen out.

Laughing at my silliness, I head back upstairs...but it takes me a long time to go to sleep. Every little noise startles me.

I do NOT like being alone in a house at night. I have never had my house broken into...Ive only been I guess youd say mugged once...and it was in a mall parking lot, some kids were going around hooking womens purses with a cane during Chriatmas shopping season and then driving off... I was walking out to my car, not paying much attention...I see this truck out of the corner of my eye, and feel my purse strap sliding down my arm. I look at it..and see a hooked cane on it..and look up and see the guy holding the other end...I jerk my arm around, ripping the cane out of his hands, and they speed off. Their truck had somethign over the back license plate so I couldnt get the number. Oooo..I was PISSED!!!After yelling at the truck a minute or so...I decide to go find security. I do, they call the cops.. I give them a description of the truck...and the cane. They catch the guys a few weeks later.

Thats my only experience.

So, why am I so scared to be alone in a house at night? And, Im sorry, but its not like I live with a big muscular he-man guy. My roomie has rheumatoid arthritis...and really, he wouldnt be much help if someone did break in. His power and strength are in his brain.Which could be helpful, I suppose.

I was ready to call a friend and get her out of her bed to come stay with me. Which is totally friggin ridiculous.It was freezing out...she lives about 20 miles from me...and..Im 41 years old. Time to quit being scared of the damn boogey man.

I slept with the scissors and my cell phone and worthless glasses beside me in the bed. I also worried Id somehow stab myself with the scissors in my sleep,but the robber fear outweighed that fear.

Gawd...why do I let my fears get so out of control??

I really really dont want to go to a doctor for pills. But it is getting a bit out of hand.

I have small hallucinations sometimes...mostly about bugs, after a cockroach decided to join me in the bathtub a few weeks ago, I cant take a relaxing bath now. I see shadows and think theyre bugs...and freak, then laugh at myself (sometimes) when I realize there is nothing there.

While my anxiety doesnt affect me like it used to, with nausea and intense fear of going out and being around people (no, it wasnt agoraphobia, I could go to the store, no problem, it was more going out to bars and with friends, to concerts and such) I still have alot of it..and it does keep me from doing things.

Like sleeping.

And living.

Off to do some yoga.

Wizard of Oz

You, my friend, are a victim of disorganized thinking. You are under the unfortunate impression that just because you run away you have no courage; you're confusing courage with wisdom.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Yeah, I watched it...again...lol.

Wizard of Oz was on last night. Ive only seen this movie..lets see, Im 41...it comes on at least once a year..maybe twice..so prolly 80 times. LOL

Yes, it still makes me cry when they all get their wishes, and realize they had them all along...just needed someone to tell them so. Hmm..sounds familiar.

Yeah, I still cried when Dorothy came home at the end. Though I do disagree about everything you need being in your own backyard...;)

I do have a soft spot in my heart now for the Wicked Witch...she didnt mean to be so Wicked...;)

I realized, as I did when seeing Wicked...that this whole story is very empowering.Or it can be. Or maybe Im just crazy for getting inspiration from movies and plays. LOL The above quote is said by the Wizard when hes giving the Lion his courage medal. It made me cry last night too.


And I realized that next year will be the 70th anniversary of this spectacular and timeless movie. Wow.


Hope its on again soon. No matter how many times, or how often I see it...it still touches me.

Well...I still have a job...

And contrary to the lolcat pic I posted..I did not spend Monday in bed hiding.

After my roomie gave me a morning pep talk ( I know he meant well, but please, why is it okay for *you* to stay in bed till 10 and me not say anything?? It was only 7:15!! Guess he was being proactive - whatever...it did work)

I got myself up, did yoga, which Id been neglecting to do (hmm- coincidence- I think not!)ate a good breakfast, showered and dressed, fully, with bra and socks and all! Brushed my teeth, took my vitamins. I had one midday appointment (Im sure cause I checked both websites 3 times before leaving) and took roomie to get his car tires rotated and run his errands while we were out. I ate lunch, I did some laundry, and then I took a short nap.

Then I did something Ive been going to do for awhile..like a month, since I bought the damn things. I drew a picture with the watercolor pencils Id bought a couple months ago. It was a picture of the mountains Id seen about 12 days ago. I had wanted to go look at the fall leaves, and had also wnated to go up to the mountains. So, after hemming and hawing most of the day...at 2:30 I started driving up to Dahlonega. OMG...they were amazing. They were the sounthern tip of the Appalachians, and even though I was still about 15 miles from them, maybe more...what I saw was gorgeous.Huge golden orange peaks, as far as the eye could see.

Anyways, back to the watercolor drawing.I sat in my yoga room, it was a sunny day, my yoga room gets lots of great afternoon sun, so I thought itd be a good place to be creative. The roomies dog laid in the sunny spot while I sat on pillows on my yoga mat and got creative.

While it more closely resembled mountains of...orange cake...lol...it had its good points. The tree I put on one side turned out pretty good...though the roomies dog gave it a two paws down. I asked what she thought of the painting, held it up for her, said "I think the tree is the best part." She gave that little chuff that dogs do...and a look that said "Yeah, right." If she could roll her eyes she would have, Im sure. LOLOL

Then I played around a bit with the pencils, made a rainbow, a butterfly and some purple hearts...just messing around. It felt good. :)

I also started myself back on St John's.

Today I had a kinda busy day- 5 pet sitting appointments and then I cleaned for the Newfies. OK, I cleaned for their dads...lol, but I cleaned up the Newfies hair..and slobber. LOL I missed my boys, the big lumps of fur and slobber and love. Learned a good lesson tonight, herding Newfies is alot like herding cats. Its very difficult to move a dog that weighs over 130 pounds. Yes, one weighs 137, the other weighs 139. So, they pretty much go wherever and whenever they want.But, dont get me wrong, they are pretty much well behaved..they just have..well..moments. LOL Thye got out the garage door as I was leaving, so I got out and helped their owner get then back in. Treats and taking one dog at a time is how its done, FYI. :)

OK..its late, Im off to dreamland.

more animals

Major fuckup

I missed 2 pet sitting appointments today.

Same dogs. One morning and one midday.

They and their owners are some of the sweetest beings on this earth.

I did their appointments yesterday, no problem.

I somehow got it in my head that today I had no appointments on one website. I did my appointments on the otehr website.

I did not realize all this till 8:15 tonight.

Those poor sweet dogs.

Those poor sweet owners- one of my favorite customers...that I let down. BIG TIME.

I called my boss. Shes not happy.

Didnt say she was going to fire me...but I dont see how she cant.

Roomie says to keep this in perspective...to not get carried away in the negativity.

Well..when one knows taht theyve fucked up majorly...how does one keep smiling and positive??

You tell me...cause all I can think of is those poor little dogs being left in those crates all day.

Yeah, I guess its a positive that I called the boss and owned up to what I did.

I dont know how I missed the appointment. I have been distracted lately, forgetful..my mind has been wandering...Ive been missing little things..and some important things...Ive hit my head a couple times recently...no cuts or unconsciousness..and only once did it daze me for a second or two...so, yeah, the anxiety that Ive given myself brain damage has started. As well as the Im depressed again so need to go back on the St Johns or get myself back to therapy..or both.

So...whats your biggest fuck up..and did life go on? Well, I gues sit did, or you wouldnt be here reading my wonderfully uplifting blog.

Going to bed...though I doubt I will sleep.

Bring on the shit..Ive got the fan all plugged in and ready to go.

Hope Wins

Stayed up till 12:30 am to witness history.

Wow.

I watched CNN and Fox (why?lol) and Comedy Central (my fave of all the election coverage!) from about 5:30 till 12:30, with an hour break in there to update my facebook status and check email. LOL

My voting experience? I came prepared to wait for hours, brought a magazine and food... and spent a grand total of 15 minutes from when I pulled into the parking lot to when I got back in my car.

I was caught up in the history being made yesterday. Wow..a black man was running. Wow..I was a woman voting for a black man. Wow, in 12 hours we could have our first black president...ever. I found this on Comedy Central's website yesterday...really made me think:


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Zero: The number of times in our nation's 232 year history, as of the time of writing, that the country -- despite being originally populated by dark-skinned Eurasian migrants, having a multi-continental populace going back longer than the country itself, currently boasting a citizenry with genetic ties to every conceivable place in the world, and a roughly equal (though leaning female) gender breakdown -- has seen fit to elect a non-white, non-male person as either its president or vice president.

Today is the last day in our nation's history that we'll ever have to admit that again.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Hope *has* won.

I only hope the darkness doesnt destroy it.

The Fish Oil experiment has begun...

I took 2 after a very healthy lunch of a salad and carrot ginger juice at the local health food place.

Take that you nasty beast!!

:P

Coincidence?

Freaky

The roomie and I had a conversation last night on this very topic..and we (mostly he) said basically the same things.

Coincidence? Or the Universe once again sending me something I need?

Who knows. Either way. I am grateful for it.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Today's Daily Om

November 3, 2008

The Journey of Finding a Relationship

Our Relationship Choices

Before we embark upon the journey of finding the relationship that is right for us, we may want to take the opportunity to refine our concept of who we are and our ideas of what we want from life. That way, we are clearer on the kind of person we want to attract into our lives. Part of the journey of finding a mate is learning how to become our own mate. When we can learn to meet our needs without relying on someone else to complete us, we don’t have to form relationships from the space of needing our emptiness to be filled. We can also discover our intrinsic value, separate from what someone else might be reflecting back to us. Getting to know who we are and learning to love ourselves creates a solid foundation of self that we can bring to any relationship.

We are fortunate to live in a time when relationships can unfold at a pace that is right for us and take unique forms. Friendship, dating, open relationships, long term relationships, long distance relationships, or committed relationships — we are free to choose the kind of relationships that we want. If you want to be in relationship, but haven’t found the right one for you, remember that the universe works in perfect order and, therefore, right now your life is unfolding exactly as it is meant to be. Maybe all this time has been part of your preparation period for meeting your intended partner. Even the relationships in our lives that haven’t worked out as we had hoped serve us by teaching us to make better choices in our next relationships.

Finding the relationship we want can come early or later in life. It may even happen again and again in one lifetime. There is no right or wrong for how to find a relationship nor is there a timeline that you have to follow. Follow your heart, listen to your inner voice, continue to become your own soul mate, and stay open to love. The journey of finding the right relationship begins with being in right relationship with yourself.

Dark Thoughts

Post Jackson/Wicked/birthday crash I guess...been kinda down and dark today...:(

Its only temporary I keep telling myself.

I hope it is.

Do people who "go crazy" feel themselves doing so? Do they know theyre slowly losing their mind? Do they slowly lose their mind...or do they just snap and are gone forever? Yeah, I read that article that said schizophrenics lose the "somethings wrong here" warning bells. Still skeptical.

Asked roomie if he ever considered me his "girlfriend" back when we were driving 6 hours to see each other, before I moved here, before I moved to St Louis even. While he didnt answer me...he did ask me some questions as to why I wanted/ needed to know...which got me to talk more about it and eased the pain some. I asked because I had been thinking back on all my past relationships..and realized...no one had ever called me their girlfriend. I was their "friend", the "girl whos living with me", their "submissive but only for a few months", or their "fuck buddy". Never "girlfriend, fiance, significant other" or anything similar.

Thinking of going back on the St John's or maybe trying Kava. I shall see...just ended my period a couple days ago too..so some hormones could be playing a part also.

Not quite ready for the straitjacket...yet...