Why is it that *I* have to be independent and not borrow money from
or rely on others....and others can plan trips seemingly without a worry about how theyre gonna pay for it..and oh, by the way friends and family, can ya lend me some money so I can go on yet another trip??
Why do I have to not buy what I have wanted to buy for a couple months now..stuff for a garden...not a big one..just some containers, seeds, soil and fertilizer..and maybe some rocks to make it look nice...but no..all my extra money has been going either for groceries or gas money.
What are you sacrificing?OK, so the other day you didnt go to the movie meetup group thing. Wow..$10 you sacrificed...good for you.
Tonight I had to put back some groceries that I wanted...nothing fancy..some salad greens-the kind *I* like...avocados which were on sale..cherry tomatoes-on sale...cheese, on sale...and reduced price bananas...because once again today you said "I need you to hold your check till after I get back."
I WORK MY ASS OFF CLEANING DAMN HOUSES....and for WHAT???? The privilege of *looking* at my paycheck..but oh, no...you cant cash it just yet because I dont know how to run a fucking company and Im tired of managing people, I just want to start businesses not learn to manage them wisely because Im such a fucking business guru.
When you asked me (and I hope you were joking) if I had any ideas how you were gonna make payroll....I wanted to go over to you and pop your damn head off. THAT IS WHAT BUSINESS OWNERS DO....Figure out how theyre gonna pay their employees who have done the work to bring the money in to the company. And you wonder why you cant hire cleaners and keep them?? You wonder why I dont feel as loyal to you and the company as I used to? Newsflash dude...its because Im tired of doing work for nothing. Just like you are.Just as Im sure others youve asked to hold checks are starting to feel if they havent already.
Im tired of holding shit in trying to figure out if what Im feeling is real or just projection or jealousy or self pity.
I need to say this....and I have...with no judgement from myself, just I have to get this out...and I dont care what its about or where its coming from...I will sort that out later.
Hope you get a sunburn where the sun doesnt shine.
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3 comments:
Feel better? hugs...imagine the shit that would have happened if you had already made goddess first class and could hurl lightning bolts around. I mean holy crap. I'd be duckin up here.
You're right, of course.
Yes...lol..it *is* a good thing that I cant hurl lightning bolts around or send hurricanes after people.Or that Ive never perfected what Ive been practicing for years...the glare that causes peoples head to explode.
Most...say 90% of this rant is self pity.
The rest is frustration and fear, fear taht Im not ever going to realize these dreams I have...even small ones like my garden seem to get set aside...and then forgotten.
And the part of me that still dreams those dreams is tired of seeing them disappear without being realized. :(
So...I posted to Freecycle asking for stuff...got a reply today from a lady with some pots...who lives close by. :) So we shall see.
Thanks for your reply. Hugggss...yes, I did feel better.
Other cheap garden tips. Try Freecycle or even garden shops for last years' seeds. They won't all sprout, but they never do anyway. A lot of that stuff does get thrown away, so see what you can give a home. And keep trying
Hugs more,
Unc
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