The more I think about it...the more I feel I should have left class. I am torn though, and will definitely talk to Marlysa and Bill about this.
On the one hand, it was rude and childish and very foolish to act like I did. When I said I threw a block, it wasnt across the room or at anyone, it was just to the side of me, in a huff, like a bratty 2 yr old.It still made noise though, as did my accompanying sigh of frustration, as well as when I couldnt do the Superman pose and I slapped my hands on the floor. I wanted to leave, but something kept saying "No, stay, keep at it, dont let the negativity win" So, I did, and got through something, and tried something new, and stepped outside my comfort zone.
So...how does one balance the help yoga gives her working through things emotionally and getting to a better place mentally with being conscientious of others...basically not putting my stuff onto others...doing no harm...ahimsa.
I cant afford private yoga classes, but I do realize that what I did last night wasnt good. Could ultimately get me kicked out of a yoga class and studio.
Thursday, January 29, 2009
The Battle on the Mat
My apologies to those who were in the Pranakriya class last evening(I plan on apologizing in person to them next week) I hope I didnt disturb you when I threw the block beside me. As soon as I did it, I realized how rude that was so I got myself under control.
I will leave the room next time I have a battle with my negativity in yoga class. I thought about leaving but decided it was better to stay and try to fight as quietly as I could, so as to not let it win.
I am glad I did stay. Because I got rid of something..not sure what. Id had an emotional day, lots of crying and introspection, and had been battling with my negativity all day. I got to yoga class feeling a bit better but still self conscious. As the class started, I felt a bit relaxed, but then we did some poses I hadnt done and I really REALLY struggled with them. So, the negativity came up, throwing it in my face that Id been doing yoga for 2 years and I should be farther along than I am, I should be able to do Crow without fear (hello- I have weak arms, always have had weak arms, and while theyre stronger than they used to be, they still cant support my weight which IS over 200 pounds!) and Full Plank going into Half Plank without falling on my face. (Um, again with the arms!) I couldnt even get into Boat Pose...and watched as everyone else in the class did it, even the new lady. Finally I remembered the modification from my Yoga Zone DVD where he has us lean back on our arms and do it. I asked Marlysa if thatd be okay and she said yes. Duh- this is Marlysa's class...I should have known that if I couldnt find a way to do a pose all I had to do was ask for help finding a modification. Wont let that happen again.
After Crow, which I did attempt but my arms were shaking as I leaned forward, and well, its kinda scary to feel yourself going forward in it. But the important thing is I tried. I changed blocks as the first block was too soft when I stood on it, the second was firmer and I felt more stable on it. I tried. I overcame the negativity which was telling me oh you cant do that youll fall and break your neck! I stepped outside my comfort zone a bit. :) After Crow..we went into Headstand. Again, theres the "youre gonna fall and break your neck!" voice. I sat for a minute, knowing I did want to do this pose, but, knowing my arms are weak, I knew it wasnt safe. So, I sat a bit, and then it hit me, I cant do Headstand but I *can* do Dolphin.Which is a stepping stone to Headstand. So I did it, even put one leg on the wall. :)
That, and the tears I cried when I couldnt do the Superman pose (thats not the name, I cant think of it right now, it may be a variation of Locust) allowed me to release some tension, toxins, not sure, but something changed. The black cloud that had been around all day lifted.
Then we did the wonderful alternate nostril breathing, which always helps me feel better (did it again this morning) I always think of Allen, the nurse I worked with at St Mary's ER, who knew how to talk me down, to talk me through my anxiety, and when he'd see me getting stressed and didnt have time to talk me down, hed always say "Christine, alternate nostril breathing!" At the time, I had no idea there *was* such a thing, so Id always laugh because, well, it sounds funny because you think its impossible to alternate your nostril breathing! He knew how to make me laugh, which always made me forget why I was so stressed.
Then wonderful Savasana...ahhhh...relaxation. More tears, and some gratitude. Marlysa mentioned something about accepting how we were, accepting what we could do, not judging. Just what I needed to hear (did she know?)
Then we went over to Jai Shanti for the Livingroom. I am so happy to have found that place, or actually to have been brought there by Marylsa. And that I was able to pay more attention to how to get there this time, so I could find my way back home after. :) While I still feel very self conscious and that I dont have a lot, or anything to say that compares to the people there, who are all yoga teachers or have a deeper understanding of yoga and its philosophies (no one has made me feel that way, its just me and my habit of comparing myself to others) I have found nothing but acceptance and peace there. It has a wonderful vibe. :)
We did a great meditation, wish I could have taped it, because it also helped me relase more of that something that I needed to get out, to lift that black cloud some more. I really enjoyed the alternate nostril breathing there too, begun by breathing fully through each nostril for a few breaths then switching sides, to balance the Yin and Yan(g?) sides of ourselves. :) At the end of the meditation, after we moved through each Chakra, I felt, well..I'll just say what happened. The light in the room became brighter, I had my eyes closed, but I saw this brighter light, and felt a wave of...peace and calm. The light pulsed, and I sent out a "Thank you" to it, and felt more peace flow over me. I felt my mouth turn up into a smile...a smile I hadnt felt in a long time, that blissful "Buddha" smile. Thank you, Bill. :)
I will leave the room next time I have a battle with my negativity in yoga class. I thought about leaving but decided it was better to stay and try to fight as quietly as I could, so as to not let it win.
I am glad I did stay. Because I got rid of something..not sure what. Id had an emotional day, lots of crying and introspection, and had been battling with my negativity all day. I got to yoga class feeling a bit better but still self conscious. As the class started, I felt a bit relaxed, but then we did some poses I hadnt done and I really REALLY struggled with them. So, the negativity came up, throwing it in my face that Id been doing yoga for 2 years and I should be farther along than I am, I should be able to do Crow without fear (hello- I have weak arms, always have had weak arms, and while theyre stronger than they used to be, they still cant support my weight which IS over 200 pounds!) and Full Plank going into Half Plank without falling on my face. (Um, again with the arms!) I couldnt even get into Boat Pose...and watched as everyone else in the class did it, even the new lady. Finally I remembered the modification from my Yoga Zone DVD where he has us lean back on our arms and do it. I asked Marlysa if thatd be okay and she said yes. Duh- this is Marlysa's class...I should have known that if I couldnt find a way to do a pose all I had to do was ask for help finding a modification. Wont let that happen again.
After Crow, which I did attempt but my arms were shaking as I leaned forward, and well, its kinda scary to feel yourself going forward in it. But the important thing is I tried. I changed blocks as the first block was too soft when I stood on it, the second was firmer and I felt more stable on it. I tried. I overcame the negativity which was telling me oh you cant do that youll fall and break your neck! I stepped outside my comfort zone a bit. :) After Crow..we went into Headstand. Again, theres the "youre gonna fall and break your neck!" voice. I sat for a minute, knowing I did want to do this pose, but, knowing my arms are weak, I knew it wasnt safe. So, I sat a bit, and then it hit me, I cant do Headstand but I *can* do Dolphin.Which is a stepping stone to Headstand. So I did it, even put one leg on the wall. :)
That, and the tears I cried when I couldnt do the Superman pose (thats not the name, I cant think of it right now, it may be a variation of Locust) allowed me to release some tension, toxins, not sure, but something changed. The black cloud that had been around all day lifted.
Then we did the wonderful alternate nostril breathing, which always helps me feel better (did it again this morning) I always think of Allen, the nurse I worked with at St Mary's ER, who knew how to talk me down, to talk me through my anxiety, and when he'd see me getting stressed and didnt have time to talk me down, hed always say "Christine, alternate nostril breathing!" At the time, I had no idea there *was* such a thing, so Id always laugh because, well, it sounds funny because you think its impossible to alternate your nostril breathing! He knew how to make me laugh, which always made me forget why I was so stressed.
Then wonderful Savasana...ahhhh...relaxation. More tears, and some gratitude. Marlysa mentioned something about accepting how we were, accepting what we could do, not judging. Just what I needed to hear (did she know?)
Then we went over to Jai Shanti for the Livingroom. I am so happy to have found that place, or actually to have been brought there by Marylsa. And that I was able to pay more attention to how to get there this time, so I could find my way back home after. :) While I still feel very self conscious and that I dont have a lot, or anything to say that compares to the people there, who are all yoga teachers or have a deeper understanding of yoga and its philosophies (no one has made me feel that way, its just me and my habit of comparing myself to others) I have found nothing but acceptance and peace there. It has a wonderful vibe. :)
We did a great meditation, wish I could have taped it, because it also helped me relase more of that something that I needed to get out, to lift that black cloud some more. I really enjoyed the alternate nostril breathing there too, begun by breathing fully through each nostril for a few breaths then switching sides, to balance the Yin and Yan(g?) sides of ourselves. :) At the end of the meditation, after we moved through each Chakra, I felt, well..I'll just say what happened. The light in the room became brighter, I had my eyes closed, but I saw this brighter light, and felt a wave of...peace and calm. The light pulsed, and I sent out a "Thank you" to it, and felt more peace flow over me. I felt my mouth turn up into a smile...a smile I hadnt felt in a long time, that blissful "Buddha" smile. Thank you, Bill. :)
Sunday, January 25, 2009
This says it all...
"I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes. I'm out of control and at times hard to handle, but if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best."
— Marilyn Monroe
(thanks sherry via linda...lol)
Thursday, January 22, 2009
Yoga
I went to a yoga class last evening for the first time in several months. It was given by the yoga instructor who started me in Yoga.
I have revived my dream of wanting to become a yoga teacher.It has been pushed aside because of fear, lack of confidence...holding back from allowing my potential to "be".
I did poses last night I hadnt done in quite some time. Yes, I was a little rusty, and yes, the negative tapes inside my head started their cries of "See, you cant do this, youll never be good at this" blah blah blah. I talked back to them "I havent been in yoga class in at least 6 months if not longer. OF COURSE Im not gonna be as good as I was. But with time and practice, regular practice, I can get back and exceed where I was before. So, kindly shut up and let me enjoy this class." And, they did.
I went deeper into Downdog than I ever have. And again I thought while smiling "Yesss, this is why dogs do this all the time! It feels wunnnerrrfullll!"
While I didnt feel the amazing energy surges I have in the past...its hard to describe them...its like waves of pleasure, no not quite like an orgasm...but a bit similar- I guess its from the endorphin releases, or maybe the tension being released, Im not sure.Still, I know that yoga is going to help me, and has helped me, to become healthier, stronger and more confident.
I have kind of let things slide and fall to the wayside, get pushed back by fear and lack of trust and confidence in myself.
Well..not anymore!
I am going to start taking steps to get more into yoga, and start researching what I need to do to prepare to become a teacher. As well as working on my confedince and conquering, or at least taming my irrational fears, taht have been holding me back for so long.
So happy to be back on the mat! :)
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
I am not a terrorist!
The F.B.I. needs a spell check and grammar lesson...lol. (Yes, I know this is fake...just wanted to share what was in my inbox this morning.)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
To: undisclosed-recipients
Anti-Terrorist and Monetary Crimes Division
Fbi Headquarters In Washington, D.C.
Federal Bureau Of Investigation
J. Edgar Hoover Building
935 Pennsylvania Avenue, NW Washington, D.C. 20535-0001
Website: www.fbi.gov
Date: 01/7/2008
ATTENTION FUND BENEFICIARY,
This is an official advice from the fbi foreign Remittance / telegraphic dept.,it has come to our notice that the C.B.N Bank Nigeria district has released 10,500,000.00 US dollars into bank of America in your name as the beneficiary, by inheritance means. The C.B.N Bank Nigeria knowing fully well that they do not have Enough facilities to effect this payment from the united kingdom to your account, used what we know as a secret diplomatic transit payment (s.t.d.p) to pay this fund through wire transfer, they used this means to complete the payment.
They are still, waiting for confirmation from you on the already Transferred funds which were made in direct transfer so that they can do final crediting to your account.
Secret diplomatic payments are not made unless the funds are related to terrorist activities why must your payment be made in secret transfer, if your transaction is legitimate, if you are not a terrorist, then why did you not receive the money directly into your account; this is a pure coded, means of payment? Records which we have had with this method of payment in the past Has always been related to terrorist acts, we do not want you to get into trouble as soon as these funds reflect in your account in the U.S.A, so it is our duty as a world wide commission to correct this little problem before this fund will be credited into your personal account.
Due to the increased difficulty and unnecessary security by the American authorities when funds come from outside of Europe, and the Middle East, the f.b.i bank commission for Europe has stopped the transfer on its way to deliver payment of $10,500,000.00 to debit your reserve account and pay you through a secured diplomatic transit account (s.d.t.a). We govern and oversee funds transfer for the World Bank and the rest of the world.
We advice you contact us immediately, as the funds have been Stopped and are being held in our custody, until you can be able to provide us with a diplomatic immunity seal of transfer (dist) within 3 days from the world local bank that authorize the transfer from where the funds was transferred from to certify that the funds that you are about to receive from Nigeria are antiterrorist/drug free or we shall have cause to cross and impound the Payment, we shall release the funds immediately we receive this legal documents.
We have decided to contact you directly to acquire the proper Verifications and proof from you to show that you are the rightful person to receive this fund,because of the amount involve, we want to make sure is a clean and legal money you are about to receive.
Be informed that the fund are now in United State in your name, but right now we have ask the bank not to release the fund to anybody that comes to them, unless we ask them to do so, because we have to carry out our investigations first before releasing the fund to you.
Note that the fund is in the BANK OF AMERICA right now, but we have ask them not to credit the fund to you yet,
because we need a solid proof and Verifications from you before releasing the funds. So to this regards you are to re-assure and proof to us that what you are about to receive is a clean money by sending to us FBI Identification Record and also Diplomatic Immunity Seal Of Transfer(DIST) to satisfy to us that the money your about to receive is legitimate and real money.
You are to forward the documents to us immediately if you have it in your possession, if you don't have it let us know so that we will direct and inform you where to obtain the document and send to us so that we will ask the bank holding the funds, the Bank Of America to go ahead Crediting your account immediately.
These Documents are to be issued to you from the World Local Bank that Authorized the transfer, so get back to us immediately if you don't have the document so that we will inform you the particular place to obtain the document in United Kingdom (U.K), because we have come to realize that the fund was Authorized by (H.S.B.C) Bank in London. An FBI Identification Record and Diplomatic Immunity Seal Of Transfer (DIST) often referred to as a Criminal History Record or Rap Sheet, is a listing of certain information taken from fingerprint submissions retained by the FBI in connection with arrests and, in some instances, federal employment,naturalization, or military service.
These Condition Is Valid until 30th of January. 2009 after we shall take actions on Canceling the payment and then charge you for illegally moving funds out of Nigeria. Guarantee: funds will be released on confirmation of the document. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Final Instruction; 1. Credit payment instruction: irrevocable credit guarantee. 2. Beneficiary has full power when validation is cleared. 3. Beneficiaries bank in U.S.A., can only release funds. 4. Upon confirmation from the world bank / united nations. 5. Bearers must clear bank protocol and validation request. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ NOTE: We have asked for the above documents to make available the most complete and up-to date records possible for the enhancement of public safety, welfare and security of Society while recognizing the importance of individual privacy rights. If you fail to provide the Documents to us, we will charge you with the FBI and take our proper action against you for not proofing to us the legitimate of the fund you are about to receive. The United States Department of Justice Order 556-73 establishes rules and regulations for the subject of an FBI Identification Record to obtain a copy of his or her own Record for review.
The FBI Criminal Justice Information Services (CJIS) Division processes these requests to check illegal activities in U.S.A. An individual may request a copy of his or her own FBI Identification Record for personal review or to challenge information on the Record. Other reasons an individual may request a copy of his or her own Identification Record may include international adoption or to satisfy a requirement to live or work in a foreign country or receive funds from another country, i.e. Diplomatic Immunity Seal of Transfer, letter of good conduct, criminal history Background, etc.)
FBI Director Robert Mueller, III
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
To: undisclosed-recipients
Anti-Terrorist and Monetary Crimes Division
Fbi Headquarters In Washington, D.C.
Federal Bureau Of Investigation
J. Edgar Hoover Building
935 Pennsylvania Avenue, NW Washington, D.C. 20535-0001
Website: www.fbi.gov
Date: 01/7/2008
ATTENTION FUND BENEFICIARY,
This is an official advice from the fbi foreign Remittance / telegraphic dept.,it has come to our notice that the C.B.N Bank Nigeria district has released 10,500,000.00 US dollars into bank of America in your name as the beneficiary, by inheritance means. The C.B.N Bank Nigeria knowing fully well that they do not have Enough facilities to effect this payment from the united kingdom to your account, used what we know as a secret diplomatic transit payment (s.t.d.p) to pay this fund through wire transfer, they used this means to complete the payment.
They are still, waiting for confirmation from you on the already Transferred funds which were made in direct transfer so that they can do final crediting to your account.
Secret diplomatic payments are not made unless the funds are related to terrorist activities why must your payment be made in secret transfer, if your transaction is legitimate, if you are not a terrorist, then why did you not receive the money directly into your account; this is a pure coded, means of payment? Records which we have had with this method of payment in the past Has always been related to terrorist acts, we do not want you to get into trouble as soon as these funds reflect in your account in the U.S.A, so it is our duty as a world wide commission to correct this little problem before this fund will be credited into your personal account.
Due to the increased difficulty and unnecessary security by the American authorities when funds come from outside of Europe, and the Middle East, the f.b.i bank commission for Europe has stopped the transfer on its way to deliver payment of $10,500,000.00 to debit your reserve account and pay you through a secured diplomatic transit account (s.d.t.a). We govern and oversee funds transfer for the World Bank and the rest of the world.
We advice you contact us immediately, as the funds have been Stopped and are being held in our custody, until you can be able to provide us with a diplomatic immunity seal of transfer (dist) within 3 days from the world local bank that authorize the transfer from where the funds was transferred from to certify that the funds that you are about to receive from Nigeria are antiterrorist/drug free or we shall have cause to cross and impound the Payment, we shall release the funds immediately we receive this legal documents.
We have decided to contact you directly to acquire the proper Verifications and proof from you to show that you are the rightful person to receive this fund,because of the amount involve, we want to make sure is a clean and legal money you are about to receive.
Be informed that the fund are now in United State in your name, but right now we have ask the bank not to release the fund to anybody that comes to them, unless we ask them to do so, because we have to carry out our investigations first before releasing the fund to you.
Note that the fund is in the BANK OF AMERICA right now, but we have ask them not to credit the fund to you yet,
because we need a solid proof and Verifications from you before releasing the funds. So to this regards you are to re-assure and proof to us that what you are about to receive is a clean money by sending to us FBI Identification Record and also Diplomatic Immunity Seal Of Transfer(DIST) to satisfy to us that the money your about to receive is legitimate and real money.
You are to forward the documents to us immediately if you have it in your possession, if you don't have it let us know so that we will direct and inform you where to obtain the document and send to us so that we will ask the bank holding the funds, the Bank Of America to go ahead Crediting your account immediately.
These Documents are to be issued to you from the World Local Bank that Authorized the transfer, so get back to us immediately if you don't have the document so that we will inform you the particular place to obtain the document in United Kingdom (U.K), because we have come to realize that the fund was Authorized by (H.S.B.C) Bank in London. An FBI Identification Record and Diplomatic Immunity Seal Of Transfer (DIST) often referred to as a Criminal History Record or Rap Sheet, is a listing of certain information taken from fingerprint submissions retained by the FBI in connection with arrests and, in some instances, federal employment,naturalization, or military service.
These Condition Is Valid until 30th of January. 2009 after we shall take actions on Canceling the payment and then charge you for illegally moving funds out of Nigeria. Guarantee: funds will be released on confirmation of the document. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Final Instruction; 1. Credit payment instruction: irrevocable credit guarantee. 2. Beneficiary has full power when validation is cleared. 3. Beneficiaries bank in U.S.A., can only release funds. 4. Upon confirmation from the world bank / united nations. 5. Bearers must clear bank protocol and validation request. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ NOTE: We have asked for the above documents to make available the most complete and up-to date records possible for the enhancement of public safety, welfare and security of Society while recognizing the importance of individual privacy rights. If you fail to provide the Documents to us, we will charge you with the FBI and take our proper action against you for not proofing to us the legitimate of the fund you are about to receive. The United States Department of Justice Order 556-73 establishes rules and regulations for the subject of an FBI Identification Record to obtain a copy of his or her own Record for review.
The FBI Criminal Justice Information Services (CJIS) Division processes these requests to check illegal activities in U.S.A. An individual may request a copy of his or her own FBI Identification Record for personal review or to challenge information on the Record. Other reasons an individual may request a copy of his or her own Identification Record may include international adoption or to satisfy a requirement to live or work in a foreign country or receive funds from another country, i.e. Diplomatic Immunity Seal of Transfer, letter of good conduct, criminal history Background, etc.)
FBI Director Robert Mueller, III
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
Thoughts on today
As I walked my weekly dog customers today, a little early so I could watch the inauguration coverage, I was praying, and really getting worried, irrationally worried...about someone trying to kill Obama today, and/or all the people gathered to watch. That has been my biggest fear. That some crazy either right wing fundamentalist or some other group who is against freedom and good in the world will try to kill him.
As noon passed and I was finishing up my last walk, no calls came (I dont have a radio in my car) no text messages, so I assumed all was well.
I got home as fast as one can going up Peachtree Industrial around lunchtime... fixed a quick sandwich and settled in to watch history being made.
Some thoughts:
Aretha...Im sorry- and I am all for putting some soul into a song. But, all your wailing and screeching did not do justice to the song nor the day.
I hope they had more porta potties than the 5,000 CNN was reporting last week.
OK, the griping out of the way....
I wish Id gone now. To be in that historical place, surrounded by all that energy as people of all colors and ages came to celebrate being an American (been a long time since we actually wanted to celebrate that!) and to watch a page being written in the history books...wow, I can only imagine what that was like.
Loving the way Obama interacts with his girls. Including his main girl, his wife Michelle. So much love, lots of humor...I think she and their daughters will keep him grounded and laughing through his years as President.
His speech. These are some of my favorite excerpts:
"Today I say to you that the challenges we face are real. They are serious and they are many. They will not be met easily or in a short span of time. But know this, America: They will be met.
(*THIS* IS how a leader speaks...how a leader gives hope and confidence back to a nation who has lost both.)
On this day, we gather because we have chosen hope over fear, unity of purpose over conflict and discord."
(Love the hope over fear part. Hope always trumps fear. )
"What the cynics fail to understand is that the ground has shifted beneath them -- that the stale political arguments that have consumed us for so long no longer apply. The question we ask today is not whether our government is too big or too small, but whether it works"
(YES!The time has come to change the way we do things.And I believe Obama can do it! He doesnt seem to be the type to tolerate BS. Now, yes, theres a part of me that says yeah, he says all this today but once he gets to working with the Congress and Senate, he will either give up in the face of their stubborness or he will not get anything done. And I personally know what happens to people when you start to change things theyve done for years. They rebel.)
"As for our common defense, we reject as false the choice between our safety and our ideals."
In the year of America's birth, in the coldest of months, a small band of patriots huddled by dying campfires on the shores of an icy river. The capital was abandoned. The enemy was advancing. The snow was stained with blood. At a moment when the outcome of our revolution was most in doubt, the father of our nation ordered these words be read to the people:
"Let it be told to the future world ... that in the depth of winter, when nothing but hope and virtue could survive... that the city and the country, alarmed at one common danger, came forth to meet [it]."
America. In the face of our common dangers, in this winter of our hardship, let us remember these timeless words. With hope and virtue, let us brave once more the icy currents, and endure what storms may come. Let it be said by our children's children that when we were tested, we refused to let this journey end, that we did not turn back, nor did we falter; and with eyes fixed on the horizon and God's grace upon us, we carried forth that great gift of freedom and delivered it safely to future generations.
This speech stirred me to tears. Both for the history of the 1st African American president, but also because there was so much hope, and "take charge-ness" in it. Leadership.
I had a thought today after watching it. **This** is the kind of leader we need right now. Not some false machismo filled swaggering cowboy and his posse...but a strong confident intelligent calmly focused man, who is willing to roll up his sleeves and get down to business. And, he has no time nor patience for bullshit!
As noon passed and I was finishing up my last walk, no calls came (I dont have a radio in my car) no text messages, so I assumed all was well.
I got home as fast as one can going up Peachtree Industrial around lunchtime... fixed a quick sandwich and settled in to watch history being made.
Some thoughts:
Aretha...Im sorry- and I am all for putting some soul into a song. But, all your wailing and screeching did not do justice to the song nor the day.
I hope they had more porta potties than the 5,000 CNN was reporting last week.
OK, the griping out of the way....
I wish Id gone now. To be in that historical place, surrounded by all that energy as people of all colors and ages came to celebrate being an American (been a long time since we actually wanted to celebrate that!) and to watch a page being written in the history books...wow, I can only imagine what that was like.
Loving the way Obama interacts with his girls. Including his main girl, his wife Michelle. So much love, lots of humor...I think she and their daughters will keep him grounded and laughing through his years as President.
His speech. These are some of my favorite excerpts:
"Today I say to you that the challenges we face are real. They are serious and they are many. They will not be met easily or in a short span of time. But know this, America: They will be met.
(*THIS* IS how a leader speaks...how a leader gives hope and confidence back to a nation who has lost both.)
On this day, we gather because we have chosen hope over fear, unity of purpose over conflict and discord."
(Love the hope over fear part. Hope always trumps fear. )
"What the cynics fail to understand is that the ground has shifted beneath them -- that the stale political arguments that have consumed us for so long no longer apply. The question we ask today is not whether our government is too big or too small, but whether it works"
(YES!The time has come to change the way we do things.And I believe Obama can do it! He doesnt seem to be the type to tolerate BS. Now, yes, theres a part of me that says yeah, he says all this today but once he gets to working with the Congress and Senate, he will either give up in the face of their stubborness or he will not get anything done. And I personally know what happens to people when you start to change things theyve done for years. They rebel.)
"As for our common defense, we reject as false the choice between our safety and our ideals."
In the year of America's birth, in the coldest of months, a small band of patriots huddled by dying campfires on the shores of an icy river. The capital was abandoned. The enemy was advancing. The snow was stained with blood. At a moment when the outcome of our revolution was most in doubt, the father of our nation ordered these words be read to the people:
"Let it be told to the future world ... that in the depth of winter, when nothing but hope and virtue could survive... that the city and the country, alarmed at one common danger, came forth to meet [it]."
America. In the face of our common dangers, in this winter of our hardship, let us remember these timeless words. With hope and virtue, let us brave once more the icy currents, and endure what storms may come. Let it be said by our children's children that when we were tested, we refused to let this journey end, that we did not turn back, nor did we falter; and with eyes fixed on the horizon and God's grace upon us, we carried forth that great gift of freedom and delivered it safely to future generations.
This speech stirred me to tears. Both for the history of the 1st African American president, but also because there was so much hope, and "take charge-ness" in it. Leadership.
I had a thought today after watching it. **This** is the kind of leader we need right now. Not some false machismo filled swaggering cowboy and his posse...but a strong confident intelligent calmly focused man, who is willing to roll up his sleeves and get down to business. And, he has no time nor patience for bullshit!
Sunday, January 18, 2009
Wasted Time...and other things on my mind
I used to cherish my down time...when I had absolutely nothing to do and could rest. Now Im beginning to hate it. Because invariably, I get depressed. Usually because I dont do anything. Dont read, dont do yoga, dont do a darn thing but either watch TV or surf the net.
Why? I dont really know. Used to be money was my excuse...and I guess it could still work, but at the moment, Im...comfortable financially. And could afford to go do things. The BDSM things have been a bust the last 3 times Ive gone..and after wasting $75 I could have spent more wiesly and had more fun in a bookstore or even buying groceries...Ive kinda lost interest in expending the energy and money to go there.Nothing is cheap here it seems..and the munches are during the day or mid week and well..I had a bit of a problem (2 years ago!)at the one I did go to.
I am just restless and bored and feel like theres so much that I want to do and I lack the confidence/money/guts/motivation to get my ass off the couch and GET OUT AND DO IT!
Tonight I made a very catty comment to an online friend about the roomies...um..girlfriends. That got me thinking..why does it still get to me when he "entertains"?? He has proven time and time again that he "aint all that", and he admits he isnt...lol..we had a good conversation one time about it. It isnt so much that hes seeing other women, though it is a part of it, I guess. Its that..well..I cant have him anymore. I miss our times together, the sex, the conversations, going places, doing things, not just the sexual things.
He was my first. Yes, the first man I ever had sex with. At age 34. I was a late bloomer...wayyy late, I guess. He was the first man to ever make me feel good about myself-sexually (had to add that because there were 2 male nurses I worked with in the ER who helped me feel confident). He has shown me that I *can* dare to dream and speak up and do what *I* want. He has accepted and tolerates the darker side of me...something I havent learned to do myself.
Is anyone out there "all that"?
I am not all that either, so why do I think I need to find a man who is?
OK..Im not making much sense now...and Im even more depressed. No, dont worry, not suicidal. And deep down, I know what I need to do.
I just need to *do* something. Just get up and out and start living.
Without him, not for him, not for anyone.
For me.
Why? I dont really know. Used to be money was my excuse...and I guess it could still work, but at the moment, Im...comfortable financially. And could afford to go do things. The BDSM things have been a bust the last 3 times Ive gone..and after wasting $75 I could have spent more wiesly and had more fun in a bookstore or even buying groceries...Ive kinda lost interest in expending the energy and money to go there.Nothing is cheap here it seems..and the munches are during the day or mid week and well..I had a bit of a problem (2 years ago!)at the one I did go to.
I am just restless and bored and feel like theres so much that I want to do and I lack the confidence/money/guts/motivation to get my ass off the couch and GET OUT AND DO IT!
Tonight I made a very catty comment to an online friend about the roomies...um..girlfriends. That got me thinking..why does it still get to me when he "entertains"?? He has proven time and time again that he "aint all that", and he admits he isnt...lol..we had a good conversation one time about it. It isnt so much that hes seeing other women, though it is a part of it, I guess. Its that..well..I cant have him anymore. I miss our times together, the sex, the conversations, going places, doing things, not just the sexual things.
He was my first. Yes, the first man I ever had sex with. At age 34. I was a late bloomer...wayyy late, I guess. He was the first man to ever make me feel good about myself-sexually (had to add that because there were 2 male nurses I worked with in the ER who helped me feel confident). He has shown me that I *can* dare to dream and speak up and do what *I* want. He has accepted and tolerates the darker side of me...something I havent learned to do myself.
Is anyone out there "all that"?
I am not all that either, so why do I think I need to find a man who is?
OK..Im not making much sense now...and Im even more depressed. No, dont worry, not suicidal. And deep down, I know what I need to do.
I just need to *do* something. Just get up and out and start living.
Without him, not for him, not for anyone.
For me.
Sunday, January 11, 2009
We are amazing creations
OK..so Im still amazed over what I saw today. I attended "Bodies-the Exhibition" today at Atlantic Station.
Wow..I knew that Anatomy class in nursing school fascinated me...but seeing real bodies up close, dissected, seeing everything that is inside the human body opened up and on display...was just incredible.
If you havent seen this exhibition, I highly recommend it.
My favorite parts were- silly I know...but the bones in the ear that allow us to hear. They are sooo tiny!
And the display showing the entire body in two sections- the skeleton on one side and the muscles and other parts on the other.
Now...when I first read about this, I was kinda squicked and wondered how Id respond seeing and knowing these were real people, and that there was some controversy as to how the bodies were obtained and also whether it was dignified for them to be displayed as such. Well, the exhibition did not squick me at all. I know Im a former nurse, but I havent been around a dead body in, lets see...4 years. And, when I thought of the peoples souls/ spirits whatever...and whether their dignity was intact...I felt that yes, they were being treated and displayed with dignity. And, were helping to educate millions of people about the wonders of their own bodies. I found myself saying to them, mentally, not out loud-lol- "Thank you for teaching me and everyone else about ourselves." Kind of a Namaste, if you will...
Wow..I knew that Anatomy class in nursing school fascinated me...but seeing real bodies up close, dissected, seeing everything that is inside the human body opened up and on display...was just incredible.
If you havent seen this exhibition, I highly recommend it.
My favorite parts were- silly I know...but the bones in the ear that allow us to hear. They are sooo tiny!
And the display showing the entire body in two sections- the skeleton on one side and the muscles and other parts on the other.
Now...when I first read about this, I was kinda squicked and wondered how Id respond seeing and knowing these were real people, and that there was some controversy as to how the bodies were obtained and also whether it was dignified for them to be displayed as such. Well, the exhibition did not squick me at all. I know Im a former nurse, but I havent been around a dead body in, lets see...4 years. And, when I thought of the peoples souls/ spirits whatever...and whether their dignity was intact...I felt that yes, they were being treated and displayed with dignity. And, were helping to educate millions of people about the wonders of their own bodies. I found myself saying to them, mentally, not out loud-lol- "Thank you for teaching me and everyone else about ourselves." Kind of a Namaste, if you will...
Thursday, January 8, 2009
Dream Interpretation anyone??
I had weird dreams last night...maybe it was all the yummy cherries I ate..I dunno...guess Ill find out if I have them again tonight because I ate about 20 cherries tonight too. LOL
OK..so..I cant recall if these were the same dream..they did happen close to each other....I am with a bunch of my friends from St Louis...were being held in some place...and turned into "perfect women" kinda like Stepford Wives meets Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind was what it was like. We all became hot blondes...and then we got things put on our heads and held down while they zapped our memories. I asked do they get rid of our childhood too? Then they grabbed me and zapped me..and when I became conscious I could remember my childhood but not much else. Then..I was with a bunch of men..we were making our way to this mountain stream...we walked into the middle of it..in the water...there were some big rocks to stand on..and all around were different sized lizards and baby dinosaur looking things. The men started picking them up and playing music on them..yes, playing the lizards. LOLThey told me in order for me to play them I had to kill it first. It wouldnt work right. And if I didnt kill it and do what they said, Id be punished. I felt very afraid of the men...and also extremely horrified that I had to kill this creature. I picked up this little baby dinosaur...he looked like Littlefoot from Land Before Time...just as cute as could be..HUGE sad eyes.I started crying and said I dont want to do this but theyre making me do this...and I screamed as I broke his neck. He didnt die but screamed too. I tried again but kept messing it up. I broke down sobbing...he was crying too.
Then I heard this rattling...like shells rubbing against each other..and felt something crawling on the underside of my arm. I lifted my arm and saw a tiny scorpion. I screamed and grabbed it off my shirt and threw it down. Then I heard it again and looked down and saw a BIG scorpion on my shirt on the right side. I screamed..and woke up screaming with my mouth closed.
*phew*
Any ideas what this could mean? Besides I shouldnt eat cherries before bed?
OK..so..I cant recall if these were the same dream..they did happen close to each other....I am with a bunch of my friends from St Louis...were being held in some place...and turned into "perfect women" kinda like Stepford Wives meets Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind was what it was like. We all became hot blondes...and then we got things put on our heads and held down while they zapped our memories. I asked do they get rid of our childhood too? Then they grabbed me and zapped me..and when I became conscious I could remember my childhood but not much else. Then..I was with a bunch of men..we were making our way to this mountain stream...we walked into the middle of it..in the water...there were some big rocks to stand on..and all around were different sized lizards and baby dinosaur looking things. The men started picking them up and playing music on them..yes, playing the lizards. LOLThey told me in order for me to play them I had to kill it first. It wouldnt work right. And if I didnt kill it and do what they said, Id be punished. I felt very afraid of the men...and also extremely horrified that I had to kill this creature. I picked up this little baby dinosaur...he looked like Littlefoot from Land Before Time...just as cute as could be..HUGE sad eyes.I started crying and said I dont want to do this but theyre making me do this...and I screamed as I broke his neck. He didnt die but screamed too. I tried again but kept messing it up. I broke down sobbing...he was crying too.
Then I heard this rattling...like shells rubbing against each other..and felt something crawling on the underside of my arm. I lifted my arm and saw a tiny scorpion. I screamed and grabbed it off my shirt and threw it down. Then I heard it again and looked down and saw a BIG scorpion on my shirt on the right side. I screamed..and woke up screaming with my mouth closed.
*phew*
Any ideas what this could mean? Besides I shouldnt eat cherries before bed?
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