OK..starting this again. Got lost on a rant which wasnt making sense...lol...so decided to start over.
*sighs* I will just say it and can always edit it later.
Lately Ive been missing BDSM. Yes, some of you know..but some might not...I am a pervert. I like a bit of pleasure with my pain...I love to be tied up and flogged or spanked or whatever.
Its not so much the pain Im missing, though there are moments...it is the community, and having someone to do wonderful things to my body that I just cant do to myself.(you can NOT spank yourself-not effectively anyways...lol)
So, why dont I just get my butt to a play party? Well...theres this whole "D/s is not healthy for me" thing. I have gotten away from D/s relationships..or any relationships for that matter while I have been doing some very intense self work and healing. Ive come a long LONG way...but I still have a long way to go.I am scared if I go to a play party..meet a Dom...that I will start making unhealthy decisions and give myself away too soon, as I recognize I have done in the past.Maybe Im just scared (nooo, not me!)
Also theres the fact that I cant stand to see or hear the language of submission anymore. The "oh my needs do not matter, only His do" and "Oh, I cant make a decision Im a submissive" and "Oh, hehe, I got punished for being a baaadd girl..oh well, Im a SAM, I cant help it"
I just...I just want to scream at them "YOURE A HUMAN- you have needs that matter...you ARE capable of making decisions and practicing self control and not getting into trouble." I cringe when I hear the language, especially the "needs dont matter" one. Then my blood starts boiling...and well, rather than risk going off in a public place...I have chosen to stay away from it until I can get over those intense feelings of wanting to scream.
Thing is..Im not getting over them...theyre intensifying.No matter how much yoga I do lol.
But I have the yearnings...and Im wondering if I could learn to let the language "be" and just realize, its their choice...my choice is to NOT be that waydoesnt make them wrong and me right...or vice versa...we both just "are".
I miss the community...I miss the play parties...I miss having like minded friends. I miss having friends...I havent done much here to make them. Im only now just starting.
Im scared....that Ive waited too long and have lost my nerve...that when I do get out and meet people they will discover the "real me"(which isnt me at all but the negative faeries sabotaging me)and not wnat anything to do with me...that I wont meet the kind of people I seek..which Im not even sure what they are...maybe I should start there. Visualizing and writing down what type of people and friends Id like to meet.
So, maybe Ill go to a munch...and bring a clothespin for my tongue.
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You just need to keep more discriminating company...of the sort that understands that the only rule book *is* the one that says "listen to your other." The one that says Rule One cuts both ways. The one that says "this isn't about ranks and degrees, and someone who would just like to bottom now and then isn't inferior to someone in a 24/7 relationship." Of course, one reason I don't go is that there are now 100 imbeciles in the scene for every person of common sense. (The other is that I can't keep my eyes open past 9 pm very well any more.)
Give me groups that are discriminating, and that schedule early bird specials now and then, and I'd be back ;)
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