Trying very hard to not be upset that my best friend since 4th grade has not answered my last 2 calls nor returned them. All I get is her voicemail...I leave a message...and nothing.
Trying not to go to the thought that shes mad at me because I havent given her any help whatsoever with her childrens medical crises or helped with expenses or the benefit they had for her kids. I just dont have the extra money to give...I could give $20 here or there..I guess but it just seems like its so small an amount, with gas prices the way they are and all..it wouldnt buy anything. But..I guess itd add up.
But see, then I feel like I want to give to her out of guilt, not because I want to help.
I wish I could be there...to help drive her and the kids to St Louis...to help with some expenses...to help her parents out if needed...and most of all..to help her lose some weight and get healthy. Shes getting sick herself...high blood pressure, borderline diabetes...the doctor has told her she needs to have gastric bypass or lap band surgery or she will die. She wants to but is scared...and it seems the doc is pushing her to make a rush decision. Not to mention she has to time it just right so she will have insurance to cover it.
I wish I could help her learn to eat healthy foods..learn to love them, as I have...to not shy away from exercise...to just get up and move and let that be enough, to start with. No high impact aerobics or cardio...just walk around the park, walk with your kids and husband...just get out of the house! Its a start...its how I started...just walking.
Am I that bad of a friend...does my not giving her money or any help except an ear to listen...does that make me a bad friend?
Why cant people say how they feel??I could handle it alot better if she said "Hey, Chris, Im pissed at you because you havent helped me when I needed help the most!" instead of this...this..nothingness...this being left to wonder if her silence means shes mad at me...or is she just so damn busy with all her problems (more guilt cause I cant help her not be overwhelmed!!) that she doesnt have time or energy to call her best friend.
The title refers to another thing thats on my mind- hey at least its not sex!
That would be my family. My uncle (moms brother- who was married to my favorite aunt- Maryanne who died in 1993 of cancer) is getting remarried in September. I would like to go...so I can be part of the family again. I dont want to go to cause problems...I would, yes, like to know where I stand...yeah, Im gonna ask them- "OK...do you all hate me, or what?" yeah, thatll be good...good family fun there!
*sighs* I have sent Christmas cards...and cards when my grandma died in December. Ive heard nothing. I called my aunt and got her answering machine. Left her my number...nothing. Whatve I gotta do to get some sort of response?? Why do I need that response so badly??
I just miss being part of the family..a family. Im not "Cousin Chris from Missouri" anymore...I want to be her again...I want my cousins to send me cards, my aunt to send me emails...my uncle to send me emails. Id even take the many many times forwarded Christian spam from them! ANYTHING!!!
Ive been told that people can make their own families...well..how do you get rid of the part of you that remembers being part of a good family..an extended family with lots of love and good times.
Heres the lyrics to that song- "Sorry Seems to Be the Hardest Word" by Elton John.
What have I got to do to make you love me
What have I got to do to make you care
What do I do when lightning strikes me
And I wake to find that you're not there
What do I do to make you want me
What have I got to do to be heard
What do I say when it's all over
And sorry seems to be the hardest word
It's sad, so sad
It's a sad, sad situation
And it's getting more and more absurd
It's sad, so sad
Why can't we talk it over
Oh it seems to me
That sorry seems to be the hardest word
What do I do to make you love me
What have I got to do to be heard
What do I do when lightning strikes me
What have I got to do
What have I got to do
When sorry seems to be the hardest word
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