Parents

Sunday was my parents 50th wedding Anniversary. I sent them a card with a Red Lobster gift card in it...late...and called them.

Still wrestling with guilt...about not throwing them some sort of celebration.

50 years with my dad. And she hasnt killed him..or herself. Maybe my mom *is* a saint. LOL

Sunday roomie and I had one of our sessions...I spoke of my guilt...and he countered with why is it *your* total responsibility to do something. You have a brother and a sister. I countered with, yes, but hes running from the law and possibly mentally ill (schizophrenia)and shes mentally retarded.So they cant possibly be expected to do something like this...right?

Wrong...she could help do something...she could have done something too..had my niece or others help her.

I didnt do anything because well..number one..I cant afford much right now. Plus..after last summer...Im dealing with alot of stuff thats come up..and am very frustrated with my parents lack of communication..and them not talking about anything. I wrote that letter...and have heard nothing. I feel I have a right as well as a need to know....to hear them /him say "Yes, we made mistakes-we admit it." I get nothing.

So....why do I keep seeking that...closeure...that...what is it....validation? They have shown me many many times that it isnt going to come. How long am I going to keep seeking it..and being disapppointed and resentful when it doesnt come?

How do I stop seeking it and just accept Im never going to get that validation and acceptance I so desperately seek from them...and move on.

As a child...mistakes were not allowed. I spilled glasses...broke glasses...both drinking and eyeglasses...and was punished for that.I can recall vividly one time I left the shampoo down and my little sister who was maybe 4 or 5 at the time got into it and poured it all over the bathroom. Who got punished? *ME* Because I should ahve known not to leave it down..and she didnt know any better. My dad was angry...extremely angry...very much out of proportion to what had happened.I was spanked, in the hall (I was walking out of the bedroom and trying to explain that Id left the shampoo down and that Id clean it up...but didnt get the chance to say much)in front of my siblings...and I recall the belt being brought out, and possibly used once. I was also made to clean up the bathroom. Which, that part was fair...I guess..but I still remember feeling that she should have gotten something done or said to her, but because she was mentally retarded and "special" she wasnt expected to follow rules as we were, because she didnt know any better. I also recall my Black Beauty book, which was one of my favorite books growing up...was ruined, it fell in the tub and got soaked by water and shampoo.

My dads temper and anger were usually HUGELY out of proportion to whatever was happening. One time..my brother said something sarcastic to me while we were eating dinner...I got up from the table and stuck my tongue out at him...and walked off...it was all a joke and to me...normal sibling stuff. I was sitting down in the lkivingroom...and dad stormed out of his chair...took my glasses off and slapped me...calling me a brat and snot and I dont recall what else..but it was basically that I had an attitude I shouldnt have and shouldnt act like I did to my brother. It was fine for him to say whatever he did..but I couldnt react to it.I also recall at the time I was on a diet...and had a Tab soda beside me..bought with my allowance...and I was told something derogatory about that...I cant recall what now...but it was something like I thought I was too good to eat what they ate...or something..besically that I thought I was better than them.

I recall one time...my parents asked me to write them a letter about what Id like to be able to do..with friends and to be allowed to do...I was in high school...and we were having problems..I believe this idea came from a shrink wed seen. Anyways, so I did write it..I said Id like to be allowed to go riding around with friends like the otehr kids did...to go to dances and basically to do normal things teens did.

The letter was read...dad was upstairs...I was downstairs in the basement room theyd finished off...I heard him get out of his chair and stomp over to the stairs..and thunder down them,. He kicked the bedroom door open and kicked me too. I fell on the bed..and he began yelling at me about how those kids I wanted to hang out with were druggies and had sex with whoever they could and did I want to do that, did I want to be a slut and a druggie and drink booze and did I have no self respect (no, because you took it away from me any time I got it)on and on and on...till I just decided what was the use in telling them anything Id like to do... many years of this..as well as when I would ask to do something...his responses were either : make me feel guilty for asking because *he* had to make all these sacrifices for me to be able to do that thing...no response at all...or blow up and yell at me or spank me or slap me.

Any wonder I learned not to ask for what I want?

Any wonder my anger scares the hell out of me?

Any wonder why I seek what I never had?

Any wonder why I didnt throw you a goddamn anniversary party , which you would have hated anyways???

Happy Fucking Anniversary.