Long Hot Summer

Yes...it is...

You will all be happy to know..as I am..that I did not give in to my hormones and jump the roomie.

Good thing he was gone when I and my raging hormones rolled out of bed this morning though.

Backstory for those new to my blog...and to recap in case you forgot...the reason I cant jump the roomie..is cause we've been down that road many times before..it never has a happy ending....he and I are former lovers...I still have feelings for him though they have for the most part lessened with time (and getting to know him a bit better on a 24/7 basis) those feelings are the reason the times we've tried to be friends with benefits havent worked. In the past, we would go months without going there...then wed give in to our hormones..the feelings would come back..Id get hurt.I have FINALLY decided my heart has had enough of that...and so I cannot everneverunderanycircumstanceswhatsofrigginever....have sex with *him* again.

Hear that Libido??

Its like my libido..which has been waiting (somewhat) patiently in the background as Ive been doing my self work and healing just kinda woke up the other day and said "Hey! You havent paid any attention to me in awhile, I NEVER get to have fun anymore!!You're GOING to listen to me!!"

Couldnt wait till I got a bit stronger, eh? Couldnt wait till I had tested my newfound strength before coming out and YELLING to be paid attention to.

LOL

Im not sure where to meet men anymore. Not sure if I want to go to a munch...though that might be a good start. Open minded (somewhat) people anyways. I will just keep the clothespin for my tongue handy...and NOT present myself as a submissive in any way shape or form. A friend said " Just present yourself as "kinky" and thats it." I guess that would work. And I do know several FemDoms who are former submissives, a few male Doms too though I often wonder if theyre being their true selves or just being what society tells them a man should be. Some of them arent very good Doms- thats why I wonder if theyre trying too hard to live up to an ideal.

Im not quite ready for the Dark Side- regardless of what some friends tell me...LOL. I just know...that I do not wish to be below anyone...to be told how to dress,eat and behave. This is me...in all my imperfect glory. If you want perfection...I have some videos you can watch to see the perfect slave and submissive. I am not her...nor do I any longer wish to be.

I watched "Secretary" again last night. As a submissive in St Louis...I watched it a few times, identifying with Lee and her neuroses, crying when she was told she would never cut herself again and He took that pain and need for that pain away from her. Ok..I still like the spanking scenes in the office...and the hopeless romantic will *always* love the part where he comes and takes her home after shes sat at his desk for days unmoving because he said "Stay there till I get back"..and he bathes her and finally starts to answer her questions about himself. *sighs* But I found myself not identifying with her...and finding her neuroses and submission a bit...well..annoying. I wanted to say when she spoke of him "giving her permission" to go for a walk through the park "Why couldnt you do that yourself??" and when he told her she wouldnt ever cut herself again...wanted to say "But you stopped yourself before, why cant you do it on your own,..why do you need HIM??"

Progress?? Who knows. Changes? Yes, Ive made some changes...good changes...

Perhaps its time to take those changes out into the big scary world outside my door.

Whats the BEST that could happen?(not doing my usual worst case scenario thing)

I could have an amazing time...learn about myself, learn to trust myself...meet an amazing man, and fall in love...REAL love...love thats felt and returned to me...and have some sexy fun in the process.

Hmmm...that doesnt sound so scary now.

*smiles through her tears*