There are 5 stages of grief, I learned in nursing school years ago, and I have been going through all of them. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/K%C3%BCbler-Ross_model (blogger's hyperlink insert thingy wasnt working)
No, I havent lost a loved one, well, not a family member...*sighs* though it does seem just as hard.
My beloved Jai Shanti- the yoga studio where I have spent much of the past 2 almost 3 years doing some major transformation is closing as of December 20th. I had felt it coming-had even made the comment twice in the past month that I was grieving what hadnt gone. In my head Jai Shanti was already gone.
Till last Tuesday it stayed just in my head. There was a possibility-in my mind- that it wouldnt really happen.Then last Tuesday William sat me down and gave me the news I had feared. That he was closing the studio. That YTT would continue till the end- wouldnt make sense to close before moneywise nor would it be very stable for us students to not have a space to call home.
Surprisingly, when he told me, I was okay with it. I knew that he had been expanding his teaching to workshops around the country and overseas and was starting another YTT and other trainings in the next year...he was wanting to move on. And I also knew the studio had been struggling to make ends meet- people just did not seem to want to come to classes, or were so sporadic in their attandance, there wasnt a very steady income. **rant warning** Fucking economy fucking Atlanta yoga people who would rather do fucking hotpowerfuckingBikrammakemyassandabslookhot yoga than get to know themselves and actually love those abs and ass just the way they are or spend time in a community filled with people who offer unconditional love and acceptance.*sighs*
Ok, not much of a rant, but thats the basic idea...and really, anger and blaming someone isnt very effective. Its not going to make William change his mind, not going to make people come to the studio, not going to keep Jai Shanti open. It will only hurt me.
And make it even harder to let go. Tuesday I was fine, I had reached acceptance, so when he told me, I was not surprised or shocked. Then, sometime Tuesday night and Wednesday morning reality set in. And I moved into the depression phase of grief. I also think there should be a fear phase, cuz thats where Ive been. Where will I go, what will I do, who will I still see? My friends and support system are mostly people I met at Jai Shanti. Will they disappear when it closes? Where will I go to practice yoga, where will I feel safe enough to spend 20 minutes in childs pose crying my sadness out because thats what my body and heart need at that moment? Where will I dance? Where will I play? What will my life be like without Jai Shanti in it?
I have had moments of courage- that this is a chance for me to take the lessons I have learned there into the world- or at least my world- and give that same unconditional love and acceptance to my students and others. To teach others to love and accept themselves as I have learned to do during my time at Jai Shanti. A chance to take the Light of Jai Shanti into the world.
But then the fear returns. The largeness of the hole I feel will be left when Jai Shanti is no longer in my life seems as wide and deep as the Grand Canyon.
And I am scared of falling over the edge.
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1 comment:
:-( I know absolutely what you mean about grieving a place or community as much as a person. Years ago when I used to actually write, I belonged to a writers' group many of whose members also were involved in a particular women's reading series. When the series was cancelled, people had the same kind if reaction that you're feeling. For many of them it was the first place they ever read their work aloud, maybe the first place they ever shared their writing with anyone, and the reaction was where am I ever going to find a place that feels this safe again? where am I going to find this kind of community? It was very hard for a lot of people.
[hugs]
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