Alarming compassion

Deeply affected by tonight's experience at The Gateway Center. Got a last minute call from William asking if I was available to help, or at least accompany a fellow YTTer- Hank to tonights yoga class. I had gotten off work at the acupuncture office early, so I was available, and said yes.

William was nursing a bit of a sore throat, so he was staying in, it was just Hank and myself going. We discussed on the way who was going to lead what- did I want to even lead, or just help out. I said Id like to do the opening centering and some warmups. We had 90 minutes to fill, so we divided it up 45 minutes each. I had no idea what warmups I was going to do, no real plan, other than beginning with the "Breathing in, I know I am breathing in. Breathing out, I know I am breathing out" meditation I had led Sunday in my practice teach. But deep down, I knew something would come and Id do okay. :-)

A bit of background here- The Gateway Center is a local non profit organization- which is working to end homelessness in Atlanta. From their website www.gatewayctr.org : "We are Atlanta's largest and most comprehensive provider of services to the homeless.The Gateway Center provides 254 spaces for men and 43 for women who enter into programs geared to address the underlying reasons for their homelessness, such as unemployment, addictions, mental illness or domestic abuse. The Gateway Center is filled to capacity nearly every day of the year, and frequently over 100 women and children are provided emergency overnight shelter by way of a sleeping mat on the floor of our lobby. Including those people who turn to the Gateway Center for point in time services (bathrooms and showers, laundry, clothing), we serve over 500 people every day."

Every Wednesday, William teaches a 90 minute yoga class to the homeless veterans there- they have a whole floor of the building dedicated to the vets. The men stay there up to 2 years, getting back on their feet, getting jobs, getting help with whatever they need.

When we arrived- we called the contact person to let us in. We walked to the back door of the building and were met by a staff member who opened the door. At that moment,the fire alarm started going off. Not sure if it was a drill, or a real fire, the staff person told us to please follow the others outside, and began to calmly and efficiently start to evacuate the building.

More background...at night, the lobby of the building is opened to women and children as an emergency shelter. They come in off the streets, have a meal, receive clothing, and other things they need. They lay out mats for them to sleep on at night. They are safe and off the streets for the night. I dont know what happens the next day, have only been there twice now. Tonight I actually spent time with them, instead of just glancing at them as I walked through the building. I had noticed as we were walking outside that many of the children did not have heavy coats. Some had no coat. Others, even small children had no mittens or hats or gloves. At first I thought they just didnt have time to grab them. But when we went back inside later, I did not see any by them. Standing outside, in my nice warm parka, and my nice warm fur lined hat, I realized how truly blessed I am. And I heard a voice inside me say "I have to do something. I want to do something to help them." As I stood there, I asked the angels to please wrap their wings around everyone. It was a start. Then I began to think of what I could do. How could I help. Maybe start a drive for coats and mittens and such at Jai Shanti. Still 2 weeks left before the studio closes, I could get a box together and put up signs. I could do this. No child should not have a warm coat.

After the "all clear" was given, we went back inside- again, I was impressed with the staff, only 2 women directing and controlling the people, who were a bit unruly as the time went on- it was very cold out, and many either didnt have time to grab them, or really didnt have coats or blankets or anything very warm on. As we stood in the lobby waiting for the staff to say it was okay for us to go upstairs, I looked around at the women and children getting ready to bed down for the night. There werent many blankets around. They had sheets, and a few pillows here and there. I kept coming back to the blankets. No blankets? Even inside, at night it would get cold. I could not imagine being able to sleep with just a sheet over me. On a concrete floor, on a mat just a few inches thick. Again I thought, what can I do?

We went upstairs and got the room ready for the yoga class. 5 men joined us, many of them asked questions throughout the class, about the benefits of yoga, about breathing, about alternative treatments. They were eager to learn, eager for their bodies to be more limber, for their minds to be calmer. It was a joy to hear their questions, and to share my own experiences with yoga and pain relief and many other benefits I have received in the past 4 almost 5 years of practice. Throughout the class, my mind kept returning to the lobby, those women and children with very few blankets to go around. What could I do? How could I help?

The class ended, Hank and I found someone to let us out. We spoke with him a bit about what they needed, if they had blankets- yes, but could always use more he said- what things he felt they could use. He replied "Clothing always, especially for children, hand towels and washcloths, razors, soap, coats- especially for children, hygiene products."

My mind started turning again. Picturing a box, (or boxes!!) at Jai Shanti, filled to overflowing with coats, hats, mittens, clothing, blankets and supplies to be given to the Gateway Center.

Going to put those boxes out to be filled tomorrow. :-)

Feeling very blessed.To have a warm home to come to, warm clothing, food in my belly, loved ones, and that I have a heart, which every once in awhile opens up, and asks "What can I do to help?"

On Grieving and going forth

There are 5 stages of grief, I learned in nursing school years ago, and I have been going through all of them. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/K%C3%BCbler-Ross_model (blogger's hyperlink insert thingy wasnt working)


No, I havent lost a loved one, well, not a family member...*sighs* though it does seem just as hard.

My beloved Jai Shanti- the yoga studio where I have spent much of the past 2 almost 3 years doing some major transformation is closing as of December 20th. I had felt it coming-had even made the comment twice in the past month that I was grieving what hadnt gone. In my head Jai Shanti was already gone.

Till last Tuesday it stayed just in my head. There was a possibility-in my mind- that it wouldnt really happen.Then last Tuesday William sat me down and gave me the news I had feared. That he was closing the studio. That YTT would continue till the end- wouldnt make sense to close before moneywise nor would it be very stable for us students to not have a space to call home.

Surprisingly, when he told me, I was okay with it. I knew that he had been expanding his teaching to workshops around the country and overseas and was starting another YTT and other trainings in the next year...he was wanting to move on. And I also knew the studio had been struggling to make ends meet- people just did not seem to want to come to classes, or were so sporadic in their attandance, there wasnt a very steady income. **rant warning** Fucking economy fucking Atlanta yoga people who would rather do fucking hotpowerfuckingBikrammakemyassandabslookhot yoga than get to know themselves and actually love those abs and ass just the way they are or spend time in a community filled with people who offer unconditional love and acceptance.*sighs*

Ok, not much of a rant, but thats the basic idea...and really, anger and blaming someone isnt very effective. Its not going to make William change his mind, not going to make people come to the studio, not going to keep Jai Shanti open. It will only hurt me.

And make it even harder to let go. Tuesday I was fine, I had reached acceptance, so when he told me, I was not surprised or shocked. Then, sometime Tuesday night and Wednesday morning reality set in. And I moved into the depression phase of grief. I also think there should be a fear phase, cuz thats where Ive been. Where will I go, what will I do, who will I still see? My friends and support system are mostly people I met at Jai Shanti. Will they disappear when it closes? Where will I go to practice yoga, where will I feel safe enough to spend 20 minutes in childs pose crying my sadness out because thats what my body and heart need at that moment? Where will I dance? Where will I play? What will my life be like without Jai Shanti in it?

I have had moments of courage- that this is a chance for me to take the lessons I have learned there into the world- or at least my world- and give that same unconditional love and acceptance to my students and others. To teach others to love and accept themselves as I have learned to do during my time at Jai Shanti. A chance to take the Light of Jai Shanti into the world.

But then the fear returns. The largeness of the hole I feel will be left when Jai Shanti is no longer in my life seems as wide and deep as the Grand Canyon.

And I am scared of falling over the edge.

The Journey to YTT

4 years ago (about the time I last posted in here, it seems...lol) I started practicing yoga. I went with a friend to this gentle class led by a physical therapist and yoga teacher. I had just quit smoking and wanted something to help me deal with the stress of nicotine withdrawal.

The first class I was amazed at what I could do, me, an out of shape, overweight, just recently quit smoking person who would go for short walks, but otherwise hadn't exercised in years. After the class,I felt both relaxed and energized- 2 things I could not recall EVER feeling together. I wanted more. A few classes alter, I made the comment to my teacher that someday I wanted to teach this to others because it was such an amazing experience.

Well, someday has arrived. The seed was planted back in 2007, began to germinate in 2009 when I came to Jai Shanti and met some amazing people who were in the training that year, as well as William (formerly known as Bill or Mr Bill on here)the owner. Earlier this year the seed sprouted. In January I wrote in my journal "Im really feeling drawn to YTT this year. Im feeling stronger than I ever have in my body and mind. I think its time. I see 2 obstacles to this happening. Money-how will I pay for it? And my fear of expressing myself in front of others."

Both those things were resolved 5 months later. The way to pay came, and along the way I learned that I *can* discipline myself and do what I need to do to achieve a goal. And that I can *set* goals. Something I really hadnt done ever before in my life.

I participated in a project/presentation at Jai Shanti called The Unity Project. It was designed around celebrating the Summer Solstice and the Divine Feminine. We all developed over 8 weeks personal stories, poems, skits, songs which showed our interpretation/interaction with the Divine Feminine in our lives. I wrote a poem "The Woman I am" At first- and for the first 3 weeks, I had nothing to share, I wasnt sure I belonged in the group-everyone else seemed so much more experessive than me, some worked in theater, some sang in choirs, otehrs were just way more outgoing. How could I- who could hardly find the courage to ask for what she needed from the world, stand up in front of these people and tell her story- which I hadnt even written yet? Then I watched this video

Wow. The ending was what got to me. The girl owning her emotions, letting the world see- no- DEMANDING the world allow her to express them. It is what makes girls girls. What make sus humans, as opposed to objects or property. I was inspired to rewrite a poem I had written "The Woman I Am". Over the next 3 weeks, this poem evolved...it wrote me...I was awakened at 4 am with words that just HAD to be written. I felt possessed by someone, something else. This is the result:

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The Woman I Am

I am a woman who is facing her fears and choosing to not let them overpower her

I am a woman who stands on her own 2 feet, and is learning to stand on her hands

I am a woman who believes in angels and calls on them regularly for help, for myself and others

I am a woman who talks to the animals, trees, sun, moon, creeks and rivers and listens for their answers and lessons

I am a woman who howls at the moon, and knows the moon smiles and howls back

I am a woman who is healing her wounded inner child, and discovering the Goddess within

I am a woman who dances around a bonfire, letting the drums awaken and enliven her body

I am a woman who wishes she could wrap her arms around the world and give it a big warm hug. And sometimes I try

I am a woman who plays the tambourine and dances like nobody’s watching. And sometimes like everybody's watching!

I am a woman who is working to forgive and heal her past, and in doing so, is healing her future

I am a woman who is inspired by other Divine Feminine beings in my life. My 4 yr old artist friend who paints purple suns and blue sharks swimming in the sky. A 42 yr old curvy yogini who reminds me to giggle and to breathe into the goodness I am. A 20 something pop star who tells me I am a Firework and encourages me to let my colors burst.Another who tells me I am perfect. A 50 yr old single mother who has lived all over the world, who inspires me to live and express myself more fully because it really doesn’t matter what anybody else thinks. My 72 yr old mother who could bear no children of her own, but sacrificed much to raise those of others, who taught me about cooking and coupons and stretching my food dollar. And all the yoga teachers who have touched my life, who remind me to breathe and who have helped me to see that I am strong, beautiful and can do more than I think I can.


I am a woman who cries, because I am happy, sad, angry, anxious, grateful, releasing some past hurt, or because the sky is so beautifully blue, the sunrise so breathtaking, or the moon so big and bright. Or a million other reasons. And I love those tears.

I am a woman who is choosing to be happy. Because she has grown tired of being sad

I am a woman who is discovering who she is, and who she is not

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Writing that poem was an affirmation of me. Standing in that room, in front of those people, saying- this is me. Baring my heart and soul to them, to the Universe, and saying, this is me, and I dont care what you think...wow. So empowering.

I found my voice...

The money had come...

I had turned in my application...

It was happening...it was *all* happening...

Just when I think Ive found confidence

It disappears. Or at least gets hidden.

Last November I attended a transformational breathwork class. I was somewhat reluctant to go but my favorite yoga teacher William said I *really* should go, so I did. And I am very glad I did, because it was a very transformational experience. A couple issues came up for me, big ones- my willingness to live and my birth mother.A very strong voice said "I want to be here!"- affirming that I do want to live, and that I belong here. Here as in on earth and alive. For many years I have struggled with depression and occasional suicidal thoughts.I have had this feeling deep inside that I didnt belong here, that I was a mistake and was unworthy of living. So to have this voice come from deep inside saying "I WANT TO BE HERE!!" was a pretty big thing.I felt affirmed as a human, affirmed that I do belong and am worthy of existing.

Then my birth mother came up. I wondered what it was like inside her. This was triggered by the fetal heart tones in the music the instructor was playing. I wondered what she felt, what she thought, did she want me? What did I feel from her? As I wondered if she wanted me, I felt the sense that she didnt want me. This brought some sadness, but the "I want to be here!" came up and got louder and louder. I wondered if she loved me. I wondered if she had gotten to hold me before having to give me up. I wodnered if I had touched her, if we had bonded. I visualized, and brought my hand up to touch her face. I felt a wave of love- pure, bright warm love- come back. I smiled and sent out some love to my birth mother,wherever she is.

After that class, for months I felt more solid, more "me" It wavered a bit off and on, but deep down there was still that solidness.

For the last 2 weeks it had gone, or at least Im not feeling it as strongly. It is still there, I did feel it Christmas week when I locked myself out of the Newfies house and also when my car doors were frozen and I figured out how to get them open. Deep down I knew that even though these problems were here, Id be okay and could come up with solutions.

For some reason, I now have this awkward,very uncomfortable in my skin feeling. I hold back from asking for want I want, from saying things I want to say, I dismiss my feelings as being too sensitive or just my distorted perception. I find it hard to relax.

I just dont know what happened to make that go away. I know I shouldnt get attached to the feelings, but, I cannot recall ever feeling that way in my entire life, so it is very hard not to.

I just today increased my St John's Wort, not sure if its my depression or just what. Im trying to think of it as growing pains, and that on the other side is something much better, that solid feeling coming back, maybe? I just dont know.