What an amazing way to start the day :)

This morning the alarm went off at 3:15am. Ugh...not yet! OH wait! This is THE morning! Im gonna do yoga with da fishies! OK- that got me up (ok, a few minutes later-lol) Quick check of the email, glass of juice and a banana, thats all Im gonna eat. Got directions and instructions on where to meet, ok, Im off.

No traffic (hello- it was 4:15! lol) and a beautiful view of the city- Ive always loved to look at cities at night, and Atlanta is one of the more beautiful ones Ive seen. I found the exit and the Aquarium parking garage no problem, which is amazing for me, usually when I go somewhere in the city for the first time I get lost. LOL. OK, I park and go in, and find the room where the yoga class will be. A local TV show was doing a segment on the Yoga at the Aquarium program Be Well Atlanta has( heres a link to the video- http://www.cbsatlanta.com/video/18791620/index.html - Im the purple blur way in the back on the pink mat-lol), and I had gotten a free chance to do it-something Ive wanted to experience since first hearing about it.

There were several people there, maybe 15 already, more came in. The aquarium was dark, but soon I noticed one of the belugas had come up to the window and was watching us. I walked over, feeling the energy of the experience already, knowing I was in for something amazing. Maybe it was the sleep deprivation..or maybe I was just open to it because of it...but I felt a connection to the beluga. I watched him swim back and forth, the rest of the tank still dark and kinda scary, but seeing his smiling face I couldnt help but smile myself.I talked with a couple people who were also watching the whale, and then walked back to my mat and got ready to begin. I saw Bill and Chris and Stephen from Jai Shanti there, so yay- I knew people! Bill was leading the class, and I was glad, he gives off the most amazing energy- peaceful, accepting, calming.

He took us through some easy poses, and a couple hard ones which I struggled with- but as he says- "Its all good"- no judgement here, just doing and being :) I loved the way he intermingled some ocean metaphors into the class- I *was* the kelp waving in the ocean current, I *did* reach out and tickle the whale with my foot, I even rubbed his belly :) I * did* float on the surface of the ocean when we were going into Savasana- the dolphins (my addition to his suggestion) swimming nearby, playing,their smiles matching mine as I settled onto my floating mat.

I felt so relaxed, and yet energized too, which is how a good yoga session always makes me feel. :) As we came out of Savasana and he told us to give ourselves a big hug, I did, grateful to myself for taking the chance of emailing my reply, thinking I didnt have a chance at getting in because it was already 3 pm and Kimberly had emailed the notice early that morning, feeling grateful to her for picking me- feeling grateful to Bill for such an amazing class, to the Beluga for sharing his energy with me and the rest of the class, to yoga itself for changing my life- body,mind and spirit. :) I felt those familiar tears welling up, and more came up as we ended and Bill told us to go share our "shimmer" with the people we came in contact with today.

I was reminded of Shawn Mullins song "Shimmer" and the part that always makes me cry-

"I want to shimmer,I want to shine, I want to radiate, I want to live, want to love, I want to try to learn how not to hate."

Always makes me cry, because theres a part of me that wants SO badly to shine through all the negativity of my past,to shine so brightly I burn off all the negative faeries, to live free of fear and uncertainty (well- irrational fear anyways) this part of me that I can sometimes feel, so big and warm and happy and just...shimmering!Shes there- I know she is. :)

And I think yoga can help me get in touch with that part of me. I know it can, because its whats helped me to even feel shes there.

3 years ago, I didnt have a clue she was inside me. :)

Hey there lonely girl...

Started this Tuesday night....


Perhaps its just because Valentine's Day is coming up. Perhaps its because Im alone tonight, and have been told, and *know* that I need to start liking my own company.

Whatever...Im bored, lonely and trying really hard to not eat the rest of the Oreos and cry myself to sleep. (Ate 4 Oreos and a glass of soymilk and went to bed, not crying, but still a bit lonely. Felt better after chatting with my niece and another online friend who always makes me laugh...thanks guys!)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Thursday am

Last week in the Living Room Dance with Intimacy thing, after saying something I struggled with on a daily basis (fear) I was asked what fear, if I didnt have it, would change how I lived my life and everything in it.( Or something like that- I apologize for not remembering) I said "My fear of being alone" (and I really hope the man I said that too didnt think of it as a come on- it wasnt) because, if I didnt have it, I would maybe be more happy and do more for myself, enjoy my life more.

Maybe I wouldn't be so scared to do things alone that I really want to do, but dont because I dont want to do them alone. Mostly travel ,go to new restaurants or different places around Atlanta,museums, exhibits, etc.

I just do not like being alone.For most of my teen years, I stayed alone in my room. My dad hated my friends, and when Id ask to go do things with them, or sometimes even just to get out of the house, hed either yell at me as to why it was so bad for me to be around them, or ignore me. So, in time, I quit asking. Quit going out. Stayed in my room with my radio and my cat.She loved me as long as I didnt sing to her.(she swatted my face one time I sang to her-lol) Maybe thats why I hate it. It reminds me of that time.

I have always been this way, well, for awhile in my 20's, I did enjoy my alone time, I had friends, and either went and did things with them or people from work, or went alone, and wasnt bothered most of the time that I was alone. I took myself to see one of my favorite singers(Steve Perry) for my birthday when he came to St Louis, stayed in a hotel downtown, took a cab to the concert, ate out after at a little diner that people from the concert were going to, I had a great time! I did lots of things like that.

Somewhere between age 27 (then) and 41 (now) I started to listen to those who told me well, there must be something wrong with you if youre alone at this age, when are you gonna marry, and all the other crap. Nothing about how independent I was, just about how Id better find a mate and get busy doing whatever couples do, time was running out.

Sorry, got off on a tangent there. Not really what I wanted to talk about. :)

Anyways, somewhere during that time, I decided I was tired of living alone, of doing for me, so began to be needy and codependent. Or maybe I was always that way, and just around that time I began dating more, getting closer to men so those characteristics came to the front. I dont know. I became helpless, to some extent, had trouble paying my bills and was always looking for someone to help me fix my messed up life and self.

Id like to think Im not like that anymore, and for the most part, Im not. I pay my own way, even enjoy the fact that I work hard and pay my own way and have for a few years now. I have done A LOT of self discovery and healing and am more confident in my ability to take care of myself. I had to borrow money from a friend to pay rent last week, and it was sooo rough!


I posted on another online group Im in for single people, asking how they learned to like being alone, if they had, and how did they deal with loneliness. One reply stuck out to me, saying, there is so much hype about how single people *must* enjoy being alone, if they dont, then somethings wrong with them. THANK YOU! He said everyone feels alone sometimes (and I happen to know quite a few married people who feel alone even lying beside their sposues-so theres no guarantee that once youve got that ring, or that person beside you in the bed that youre not gonna be lonely) so it is normal to feel this way.

And really the other night when I wrote the beginning of this, I didnt act on those feelings, much. I didnt eat the entire bag of Oreos- only ate 4, I didnt curl up in a ball on my bed and cry myself to sleep, didnt seek out a man to have sex with mainly because I dont know anyone here very well, and no one was around.

I dont do casual sex or one night stands. Tried once, and he stayed too long, I guess, because I fell very hard for him in the 8 hours we spent together. My roomie (who Ive been friends withbenefits with before but weve decided it isnt healthy for us to go there anymore) wasnt home so he wasnt around, and we havent gone there in over a year- we just dont cross that line anymore- thank goodness! I wouldnt even have asked him, really.

No, instead of all that,I got online and started to write about what I was feeling, but then my niece came along, and my other online friend and I got distracted by them making me laugh and feel better. So I handled it better than I used to.

I think Im just being impatient. I've only just started (again) to get out and build a life I love. Its gonna take time to find what I like, meet people who I like -I have found some at Jai Shanti-really hope to delve deeper into that community-the people seem more...genuine, I guess, maybe more down to earth than at another similar community Ive been around.Maybe Im just more open than I was with the other people. I dont know.

Time to walk some dogs and clean a house.

Will write more later, maybe. Got to post about Rabbit Pose too. :)

Lonely Space

It waits for me to enter

To fill it with my breath, my smile, my tears

Ganesh looks out the window at the trees, patiently waiting for my “Namaste, Ganesh”

Always ready to remove the obstacles I place before me

Piglet and Pooh ponder the butterfly waiting to inspire me to shed my caterpillar ways and start to fly

The Tiger and Leopard watch them and the door, hoping it will open soon and I will look into their majestic faces once more

The 6 red Buddhas from the flea market sit on the windowsill. They are new here, and smile as they wait to see what goes on in this room

The tea lights wait to be lit, to give warmth to the brass bowl that sits nearby, silent.

Peace and Hope sit on the windowsill beside the glass enclosed Chinese carving , missing my touching their softness as I look out the window at the backyard before beginning

The books are piled on the floor, still waiting for the bookshelves that have been promised

So what is it that keeps me out of this space?

The space I created for myself

The space to do Yoga, the thing that brings me joy, calm and healing

Why dont I open the door?

Trying reallly hard to not...

feel like a victim nor be a victim.

OK, so you all remember the dogbite incident that was my fault basically, supposed to keep dogs seperate, didnt, let my guard down so got bit when they tried to kill each other.

Well, once again taht has come back to bite my ass. Got my paychecks in the mail today. One was attached to an invoice with a few words about how the client wasnt paying her bill due to us not following directions and she having a $1100 vet bill because of it. The paycheck was docked the amount of the invoice. $350.

My paycheck was already not gonna cover rent, but I still had some money in the bank so I was just gonna be able to make it.

Now, I cant pay rent. I can pay the other bills and maybe 200 of it.

I really dont have a problem with them docking my pay, though I do thinks he should have to pay for the appointments that were completed before the dogfight.

I just really would have wished for some warning that this was going to happen...ya know? So I could have planned better and maybe not decided to go ahead and get my eyes checked (no, it needed to be done, I couldnt read street signs, not safe, and I know that!) and maybe not bought so many groceries, and maybe not all that food on Super Bowl Sunday, granted it wasnt alot that I bought but I could ahve used that money for more every day groceries rather than chips dip and guacamole and wings.

I know that somehow this will get taken care of and I will get back on my feet.

Im just really tired of working my ass off, and being willing to work my ass off, only to have the rug pulled out from under me, or not to get paid for that work.

Off to take a bath after I get some more Tension Tamer Tea.