OK...I'll be right over...

*BUT* only if the cookies are the orgasm inducing chocolate chip ones with the brownie middles.

Cause if theyre the generic vanilla and chocolate sandwich cookies...forget it.

Saw this bumper sticker this morning on my way to feed da kittehs...just about wrecked I was laughing so hard.

Happy Monday!!

But...I *like* long screws...

(subtitle- "Why a Pervert With Raging Hormones Should Not Go to Home Depot" )

No..no..nothing sexy happened at Home Depot..sorry to disappoint. *sighs* I wasnt dressed for it anyways...shorts, no bra, dirty tshirt...hey, its Sunday morning...lol.

I went there seeking some screws or nails or something with which to hang the cool window treatment I got at Goodwill a couple weeks ago. I had tried a couple nails, but they werent big enough to hold the scarf holders. So..after getting a tip from a pet sitting customer this morning..off I went.

I found some drywall anchors that seemed to be the correct size...then remembered that roomie didnt have a Phillips head screwdriver in his tool kit (hmm -theres a metaphor there, I think) so I went over to find a screwdriver (had thought the other day why do I need to borrow *his* tools- I can buy my own tools- dont need no schtinkin' man's tools...lol) Found a set of 8 Stanley screwdrivers for 6 bucks..schweet!

My requisite trip to the rope/ chain aisle was completed..and was disappointing (very boring rope selection- makes a mental note about *this* Home Depot) I didnt even salivate, let alone drool. *sighs*


Then I decided to wander over to the garden center just to see what was on sale and to see how much the pots cost cause my cukes needed to be seperated as theyre turning yellow at the base and I can see roots everywhere. OK..so to the garden area I went...oh myyy...so much I could buy..so much I wanted. After drooling a bit...I walked away with a sprayer for the hose, 2 plastic pots one for the cukes, another for the tomato plant that demanded to be taken home by me (it did, I swear!)and some plant stakes for the peas and the new tomato plant.

Ok...so..$35 dollars later (thank goodness for tips!) I walked out.

Went home..changed into my swimsuit and bandana and got to work. Planted the new tomato plant he seems happy to be near the cukes and the basil :) Transplanted half the cukes into the new pot...gently...and telling the bees who reallly like my cukes that if theyd just stay away for a few more minutes, Id be out of their way and they could buzz my cukes all they wanted. They listened - all except this one pesky yellowjacket...lol. Got new soil put in the old cuke pot...got the stakes put by the pea plants, they're next to be seperated. Added some soil to them too... watered everything with my new sprayer (its VERY strong think I shoulda got a watering can instead)

Roomie came out and we sat in the sun for awhile...met the new Westie puppy next door (omg-hes adorable!!)

Then I came inside and set about to hang the window treatments. Got the plastic anchors screwed into the wall..no problem.Put the hanger on and added the screw...and realized...the screws were too long.

Hence the title...and what my first thought was...lol. So...I guess its back to Home Depot for some other screws...same size just shorter.

Happy Sunday!

What've I Gotta Do?

Trying very hard to not be upset that my best friend since 4th grade has not answered my last 2 calls nor returned them. All I get is her voicemail...I leave a message...and nothing.

Trying not to go to the thought that shes mad at me because I havent given her any help whatsoever with her childrens medical crises or helped with expenses or the benefit they had for her kids. I just dont have the extra money to give...I could give $20 here or there..I guess but it just seems like its so small an amount, with gas prices the way they are and all..it wouldnt buy anything. But..I guess itd add up.

But see, then I feel like I want to give to her out of guilt, not because I want to help.

I wish I could be there...to help drive her and the kids to St Louis...to help with some expenses...to help her parents out if needed...and most of all..to help her lose some weight and get healthy. Shes getting sick herself...high blood pressure, borderline diabetes...the doctor has told her she needs to have gastric bypass or lap band surgery or she will die. She wants to but is scared...and it seems the doc is pushing her to make a rush decision. Not to mention she has to time it just right so she will have insurance to cover it.

I wish I could help her learn to eat healthy foods..learn to love them, as I have...to not shy away from exercise...to just get up and move and let that be enough, to start with. No high impact aerobics or cardio...just walk around the park, walk with your kids and husband...just get out of the house! Its a start...its how I started...just walking.

Am I that bad of a friend...does my not giving her money or any help except an ear to listen...does that make me a bad friend?

Why cant people say how they feel??I could handle it alot better if she said "Hey, Chris, Im pissed at you because you havent helped me when I needed help the most!" instead of this...this..nothingness...this being left to wonder if her silence means shes mad at me...or is she just so damn busy with all her problems (more guilt cause I cant help her not be overwhelmed!!) that she doesnt have time or energy to call her best friend.

The title refers to another thing thats on my mind- hey at least its not sex!

That would be my family. My uncle (moms brother- who was married to my favorite aunt- Maryanne who died in 1993 of cancer) is getting remarried in September. I would like to go...so I can be part of the family again. I dont want to go to cause problems...I would, yes, like to know where I stand...yeah, Im gonna ask them- "OK...do you all hate me, or what?" yeah, thatll be good...good family fun there!

*sighs* I have sent Christmas cards...and cards when my grandma died in December. Ive heard nothing. I called my aunt and got her answering machine. Left her my number...nothing. Whatve I gotta do to get some sort of response?? Why do I need that response so badly??

I just miss being part of the family..a family. Im not "Cousin Chris from Missouri" anymore...I want to be her again...I want my cousins to send me cards, my aunt to send me emails...my uncle to send me emails. Id even take the many many times forwarded Christian spam from them! ANYTHING!!!

Ive been told that people can make their own families...well..how do you get rid of the part of you that remembers being part of a good family..an extended family with lots of love and good times.


Heres the lyrics to that song- "Sorry Seems to Be the Hardest Word" by Elton John.




What have I got to do to make you love me
What have I got to do to make you care
What do I do when lightning strikes me
And I wake to find that you're not there

What do I do to make you want me
What have I got to do to be heard
What do I say when it's all over
And sorry seems to be the hardest word

It's sad, so sad
It's a sad, sad situation
And it's getting more and more absurd
It's sad, so sad
Why can't we talk it over
Oh it seems to me
That sorry seems to be the hardest word

What do I do to make you love me
What have I got to do to be heard
What do I do when lightning strikes me
What have I got to do
What have I got to do
When sorry seems to be the hardest word

Long Hot Summer

Yes...it is...

You will all be happy to know..as I am..that I did not give in to my hormones and jump the roomie.

Good thing he was gone when I and my raging hormones rolled out of bed this morning though.

Backstory for those new to my blog...and to recap in case you forgot...the reason I cant jump the roomie..is cause we've been down that road many times before..it never has a happy ending....he and I are former lovers...I still have feelings for him though they have for the most part lessened with time (and getting to know him a bit better on a 24/7 basis) those feelings are the reason the times we've tried to be friends with benefits havent worked. In the past, we would go months without going there...then wed give in to our hormones..the feelings would come back..Id get hurt.I have FINALLY decided my heart has had enough of that...and so I cannot everneverunderanycircumstanceswhatsofrigginever....have sex with *him* again.

Hear that Libido??

Its like my libido..which has been waiting (somewhat) patiently in the background as Ive been doing my self work and healing just kinda woke up the other day and said "Hey! You havent paid any attention to me in awhile, I NEVER get to have fun anymore!!You're GOING to listen to me!!"

Couldnt wait till I got a bit stronger, eh? Couldnt wait till I had tested my newfound strength before coming out and YELLING to be paid attention to.

LOL

Im not sure where to meet men anymore. Not sure if I want to go to a munch...though that might be a good start. Open minded (somewhat) people anyways. I will just keep the clothespin for my tongue handy...and NOT present myself as a submissive in any way shape or form. A friend said " Just present yourself as "kinky" and thats it." I guess that would work. And I do know several FemDoms who are former submissives, a few male Doms too though I often wonder if theyre being their true selves or just being what society tells them a man should be. Some of them arent very good Doms- thats why I wonder if theyre trying too hard to live up to an ideal.

Im not quite ready for the Dark Side- regardless of what some friends tell me...LOL. I just know...that I do not wish to be below anyone...to be told how to dress,eat and behave. This is me...in all my imperfect glory. If you want perfection...I have some videos you can watch to see the perfect slave and submissive. I am not her...nor do I any longer wish to be.

I watched "Secretary" again last night. As a submissive in St Louis...I watched it a few times, identifying with Lee and her neuroses, crying when she was told she would never cut herself again and He took that pain and need for that pain away from her. Ok..I still like the spanking scenes in the office...and the hopeless romantic will *always* love the part where he comes and takes her home after shes sat at his desk for days unmoving because he said "Stay there till I get back"..and he bathes her and finally starts to answer her questions about himself. *sighs* But I found myself not identifying with her...and finding her neuroses and submission a bit...well..annoying. I wanted to say when she spoke of him "giving her permission" to go for a walk through the park "Why couldnt you do that yourself??" and when he told her she wouldnt ever cut herself again...wanted to say "But you stopped yourself before, why cant you do it on your own,..why do you need HIM??"

Progress?? Who knows. Changes? Yes, Ive made some changes...good changes...

Perhaps its time to take those changes out into the big scary world outside my door.

Whats the BEST that could happen?(not doing my usual worst case scenario thing)

I could have an amazing time...learn about myself, learn to trust myself...meet an amazing man, and fall in love...REAL love...love thats felt and returned to me...and have some sexy fun in the process.

Hmmm...that doesnt sound so scary now.

*smiles through her tears*

X Rated thoughts *if youre under 18 or easily offended by sex- dont read this*

*sighs*

I know I just want to because hes safe and we've had fun before...and at one time hed be running home to "help me out"

Ive been horny the last 2 days...insatiably.

And Im bored with masturbating.

Yeah, my dildo is great....except the minor irritation from the latex for a couple hours after...

It just isnt the same.

I want to ride in a car and masturbate going down the highway.I want him to finger me as hes driving.I want to suck his cock while he drives I want to go to the adult theater again...and maybe this time let other men join in.I want to go somewhere outdoors and be fucked...scream loudly as he fucks me. I want to go to a bar or someplace and have him - or another man while he watches- finger me. I want to be in an orgy. I want to have sex with more than one man.

On those last 2....Ive been thinking about them...I dont want to be the dirty little whore who gets used. I want it to be an empowering experience. I want to be seen as a beautiful passionate sexy sensual woman who enjoys her body and who enjoys sharing it with others who enjoy sex. I dont want to be humiliated, or degraded or put down in ANY way.

Im wondering if its possible...to find people...men in particular...who will not see or treat me as the nasty little whore...but the sensual Goddess.

Perhaps I need a male sub...or 2...or 3. Or a male hooker. Yeah, like I could afford one.

Or a cold shower.

Though that didnt help much yesterday. LOL

*sighs* whats a semi kinky horny girl to do...??

Back to our regularly scheduled PG-13 to R rated programming.

Wondering and yearning

OK..starting this again. Got lost on a rant which wasnt making sense...lol...so decided to start over.

*sighs* I will just say it and can always edit it later.

Lately Ive been missing BDSM. Yes, some of you know..but some might not...I am a pervert. I like a bit of pleasure with my pain...I love to be tied up and flogged or spanked or whatever.

Its not so much the pain Im missing, though there are moments...it is the community, and having someone to do wonderful things to my body that I just cant do to myself.(you can NOT spank yourself-not effectively anyways...lol)

So, why dont I just get my butt to a play party? Well...theres this whole "D/s is not healthy for me" thing. I have gotten away from D/s relationships..or any relationships for that matter while I have been doing some very intense self work and healing. Ive come a long LONG way...but I still have a long way to go.I am scared if I go to a play party..meet a Dom...that I will start making unhealthy decisions and give myself away too soon, as I recognize I have done in the past.Maybe Im just scared (nooo, not me!)

Also theres the fact that I cant stand to see or hear the language of submission anymore. The "oh my needs do not matter, only His do" and "Oh, I cant make a decision Im a submissive" and "Oh, hehe, I got punished for being a baaadd girl..oh well, Im a SAM, I cant help it"

I just...I just want to scream at them "YOURE A HUMAN- you have needs that matter...you ARE capable of making decisions and practicing self control and not getting into trouble." I cringe when I hear the language, especially the "needs dont matter" one. Then my blood starts boiling...and well, rather than risk going off in a public place...I have chosen to stay away from it until I can get over those intense feelings of wanting to scream.

Thing is..Im not getting over them...theyre intensifying.No matter how much yoga I do lol.

But I have the yearnings...and Im wondering if I could learn to let the language "be" and just realize, its their choice...my choice is to NOT be that waydoesnt make them wrong and me right...or vice versa...we both just "are".

I miss the community...I miss the play parties...I miss having like minded friends. I miss having friends...I havent done much here to make them. Im only now just starting.

Im scared....that Ive waited too long and have lost my nerve...that when I do get out and meet people they will discover the "real me"(which isnt me at all but the negative faeries sabotaging me)and not wnat anything to do with me...that I wont meet the kind of people I seek..which Im not even sure what they are...maybe I should start there. Visualizing and writing down what type of people and friends Id like to meet.

So, maybe Ill go to a munch...and bring a clothespin for my tongue.

Take THAT you negative faeries!!

Yesterday,I had the day from hell...

or so I thought.

I texted my friends here that when I had days like this where all I could see was what I did wrong...it makes it very hard to disprove the negative voices that are saying "See, we WERE right- you ARE a fuckup".

Then,it hit me...I should make a list of what I did wrong and right.

I started with the right things- right being things Id accomplished correctly, competently or just completed even if they werent perfect.

I came up with 11 things.

Then I counted the things that had been plaguing me all day...weighing me down with guilt and grief and a feeling of total incompetence.

I counted only 6.

And came up with one more good thing.

Finding a weapon I can use against the negative faeries.

Rational, positive thought.

Wow...it really DOES work!

Try it sometime when you are in the depths of negativity.

Even just thinking of ONE good thing Id accomplished started my mind going to the positive side. And it wasnt a big huge thing...all it was was that Id gotten out of bed instead of staying there like I really wanted to.

And, when I tallied up the "bad" things? They didnt amount to a hill of beans! As one of my friends replied "Did anyone croak?Did you get fired?"

My answer was nope.

*off to sharpen my arrows for the next battle*

Im fine...really

And this time..I am really fine..not F.I.N.E.

(look it up if you dont know what F.I.N.E. means...and if you dont..consider that a good thing...;)- you also must not be an Aerosmith fan...lol)

Blogging about my parents was just a rant...to get the pain out...and to start moving on.

Doing better today...will blog later...prolly tomorrow as Im going to a Meetup tonight on how yoga can help reduce stress in our lives. I may already know some...but it cant hurt to learn more, can it? Lord knows I need it...lol

Happy Hump Day everyone!

Parents

Sunday was my parents 50th wedding Anniversary. I sent them a card with a Red Lobster gift card in it...late...and called them.

Still wrestling with guilt...about not throwing them some sort of celebration.

50 years with my dad. And she hasnt killed him..or herself. Maybe my mom *is* a saint. LOL

Sunday roomie and I had one of our sessions...I spoke of my guilt...and he countered with why is it *your* total responsibility to do something. You have a brother and a sister. I countered with, yes, but hes running from the law and possibly mentally ill (schizophrenia)and shes mentally retarded.So they cant possibly be expected to do something like this...right?

Wrong...she could help do something...she could have done something too..had my niece or others help her.

I didnt do anything because well..number one..I cant afford much right now. Plus..after last summer...Im dealing with alot of stuff thats come up..and am very frustrated with my parents lack of communication..and them not talking about anything. I wrote that letter...and have heard nothing. I feel I have a right as well as a need to know....to hear them /him say "Yes, we made mistakes-we admit it." I get nothing.

So....why do I keep seeking that...closeure...that...what is it....validation? They have shown me many many times that it isnt going to come. How long am I going to keep seeking it..and being disapppointed and resentful when it doesnt come?

How do I stop seeking it and just accept Im never going to get that validation and acceptance I so desperately seek from them...and move on.

As a child...mistakes were not allowed. I spilled glasses...broke glasses...both drinking and eyeglasses...and was punished for that.I can recall vividly one time I left the shampoo down and my little sister who was maybe 4 or 5 at the time got into it and poured it all over the bathroom. Who got punished? *ME* Because I should ahve known not to leave it down..and she didnt know any better. My dad was angry...extremely angry...very much out of proportion to what had happened.I was spanked, in the hall (I was walking out of the bedroom and trying to explain that Id left the shampoo down and that Id clean it up...but didnt get the chance to say much)in front of my siblings...and I recall the belt being brought out, and possibly used once. I was also made to clean up the bathroom. Which, that part was fair...I guess..but I still remember feeling that she should have gotten something done or said to her, but because she was mentally retarded and "special" she wasnt expected to follow rules as we were, because she didnt know any better. I also recall my Black Beauty book, which was one of my favorite books growing up...was ruined, it fell in the tub and got soaked by water and shampoo.

My dads temper and anger were usually HUGELY out of proportion to whatever was happening. One time..my brother said something sarcastic to me while we were eating dinner...I got up from the table and stuck my tongue out at him...and walked off...it was all a joke and to me...normal sibling stuff. I was sitting down in the lkivingroom...and dad stormed out of his chair...took my glasses off and slapped me...calling me a brat and snot and I dont recall what else..but it was basically that I had an attitude I shouldnt have and shouldnt act like I did to my brother. It was fine for him to say whatever he did..but I couldnt react to it.I also recall at the time I was on a diet...and had a Tab soda beside me..bought with my allowance...and I was told something derogatory about that...I cant recall what now...but it was something like I thought I was too good to eat what they ate...or something..besically that I thought I was better than them.

I recall one time...my parents asked me to write them a letter about what Id like to be able to do..with friends and to be allowed to do...I was in high school...and we were having problems..I believe this idea came from a shrink wed seen. Anyways, so I did write it..I said Id like to be allowed to go riding around with friends like the otehr kids did...to go to dances and basically to do normal things teens did.

The letter was read...dad was upstairs...I was downstairs in the basement room theyd finished off...I heard him get out of his chair and stomp over to the stairs..and thunder down them,. He kicked the bedroom door open and kicked me too. I fell on the bed..and he began yelling at me about how those kids I wanted to hang out with were druggies and had sex with whoever they could and did I want to do that, did I want to be a slut and a druggie and drink booze and did I have no self respect (no, because you took it away from me any time I got it)on and on and on...till I just decided what was the use in telling them anything Id like to do... many years of this..as well as when I would ask to do something...his responses were either : make me feel guilty for asking because *he* had to make all these sacrifices for me to be able to do that thing...no response at all...or blow up and yell at me or spank me or slap me.

Any wonder I learned not to ask for what I want?

Any wonder my anger scares the hell out of me?

Any wonder why I seek what I never had?

Any wonder why I didnt throw you a goddamn anniversary party , which you would have hated anyways???

Happy Fucking Anniversary.