I never want to do this again...

For anyone..anyone who is still mocking our reaction to "2 inches of snow" (even you, Jon Stewart, though the part about what our governor and Atlanta Mayor were doing during this crisis was priceless) I'd like to say a big F YOU.

Tuesday morning I awoke to a cloudy day and much anxiety. I knew there was snow in the forecast, but it was maybe possibly going to stay south of I-20 so wouldnt hit where I live (how they can cut off the snow/ice line so sharply, I have no idea) I looked at 11 Alive's post on Facebook, and their forecast had changed from when I went to bed. It had now moved the snow line north, and all of Atlanta was in white. 1-2 inches was expected. Which..usually means we get flurries. Its happened twice in the past month. So, perhaps there was a bit of apathy and "cry wolf" syndrome. Schools were open, except for Cherokee County which is northwest of us. The forecast had been changed around 3:45 am. Plenty of time for schools to decide to close and for GDOT to move what snow equipment we have more towards the city from where it had been sent further south (due to the forecast the day before calling for conditions to be worse in South Georgia). I proceeded with my day, going to my pet appointments, talking with one owner to make arrrangements for his neighbor to come check on the kitties in the little house with the space heater on low- at this point we were more concerned with the cold temps than the snow. And, it was just snow on our minds- which can be driven in without problems..roads can be sanded and salted and plowed...no problem. I drove back home around 11:30 am. Teeny tiny snowflakes had started falling around 11, and by 11:45 they were big fluffy flakes falling fast. It was starting to stick on the grass and the streets were wet in some areas. 

I watched the noon news to see what they were forecasting now. I was watching 11 Alive because Chris Holcomb has a soothing voice and tends to be more matter of fact than sensationalized, especially during bad weather. He was saying it was going to be 1-2 inches (at this time- 12:15 or so- some schools were closing early-at 1pm) and was concerned about the temps falling. They had reports from GDOT- we are ready- our trucks can easily be moved closer...we're going to wait and see. (I dont recall hearing anything from Dekalb County or Fulton County as for their plans...just GDOT) 

Wait and see...

Wait and see resulted in the mess you see in the photo above. 

Around 12pm or so people started leaving their offices and schools and such- parents to go pick up kids at school or get home to meet them. Hundreds of thousands of cars on the roads- interstates and local roads soon became congested. Within 90 minutes...THIS is what it looks like.

90 minutes for a city to become completely incapacitated.

Unfortunately...I had to get to a couple pet appointments. Fortunately, my routes did not involve any interstates. Unfortunately, there were other drivers on the roads I did take. Either we were moving about an inch every few minutes, or once I got to the open roads- driving as if nothing was happening (meaning driving their usual bat out of hell ways on slick snowy roads) A friend of mine from Missouri who now lives in Birmingham (which had their own version of a shutdown- only they have much less snow equipment and less people) had posted some tips for driving in snow earlier (their snow started around 8 or 9 am) and I had called up all my Missouri winter driving skills in my brain, so I felt prepared. (sort of)I had added gas to my car earlier that day. One thing I hadnt done was make sure my cell phone was fully charged. I had meant to plug it in when I came home for lunch but got caught up in the news. I figured I would just charge it when I got my pet sitting clients home. First mistake.

I left home a little before 1pm, heading to East Atlanta/ Kirkwood area- usually a 20 minute drive. It took me 2 hours to get there. When I got there, my client was home- her work had closed down. She sent me texts but my phone had died an hour ago so I didnt get them. I spent some time with her and her dogs and charged my phone. I had stopped to grab some yogurt and other snacks at a little market on my way- because I also didnt eat-other than a pear when I got home at 11:30. 2nd mistake.

My phone charged, I petted the dogs and watched 11Alive. Things- the streets, the temps, everything...was going downhill fast. I decided to go see my last client (the kitties in the little house) which was just a couple miles from her in Avondale Estates then head home. It was around 3:45 now. I drove to my other clients home without incident. I got disoriented at one point as to where his street was (snow, panic, possibly low blood sugar) so I pulled into a QuikTrip to get recentered and reoriented. I looked at my gas gauge- it said 3/4 of a tank. I decided to add another $10 to the tank- just shy of full now. I headed to the kitties.

I turned on the space heater, fed them, plugged my phone in to charge it more. Gave the birds some more birdseed (they knew s*it was getting real and were stocking up- had emptied the small feeder that had been full that morning on my first visit) I called the cats owner- telling him what was going on. I said I would give them extra food because it probably would be the afternoon before I could get back. He had me bring a key to the neighbor so he could come in and turn on the heater for the cats. At that point we were both thinking of just snow..roads would be cleared better by afternoon, no problems.I ate some yogurt and headed back home.

My first trip resulted in me just getting a few miles down Memorial and having to turn around because it was blocked by cars unable to get up the hill. I headed to Candler Rd to College to Dekalb to Moreland. I got to about 2 miles from home before once again, cars blocked the road and there was an accident farther ahead. I wound my way back over to Clifton Rd- a street I thought would be fine because Emory Hospital was on it, so it must be a priority right? Nope. Same thing, cars blocking it and by now the snowy slush was freezing so roads were getting slicker- a couple miles from my home. Turned around again, last route I could think of, Clairmont to N. Druid Hills to Lavista to home.I had to pee. Passed a gas station but did not stop. 3rd mistake. I ate the rest of a pear I had begun eating. All I had left was goat cheese- planned to fix something with it for supper.

In hindsight- I could have walked home from both these spots. But I was so focused on DRIVING home that didnt enter my mind. I should also add, I had seen only 1 salt truck of any kind- and it was a pickup- private contractor probably- with a spreader attached to his tailgate. I had only seen evidence of any pre-treatment on Memorial Dr where there was some sand.

I got to the dip on Clairmont between N. Decatur Rd and N. Druid Hills by the VA Hospital. (again shouldnt hospital streets be more of a priority? It was in Jeff City and St Louis! But, perhaps since the VA doesnt have an Emergency Room, they dont think so)Cars lined both directions. Cars stalled everywhere in my direction and an accident in the other. People were starting to get out and walk. Leaving their cars as close to the side as they could. This was after 7 pm. I'd left the kitties around 5:45pm. My phone was again almost out of juice. A car charger does not work in my car for some reason so I dont have one (need to get this looked at) I had to pee much worse. I thought about getting out and going to the die, but there were tons of people around and no place to hide. So..in desperation I grabbed the pile of rags behind my seat, put them under me, pulled down my jeans and went. I had been holding it so long I couldnt go at first. Finally-relief, which eased my panic a bit.

  A guy in a Jeep pulled up ahead. He got out and walked ahead out of my sight. Another guy in a 4WD stopped and got out. I thought- YES- rednecks- thats what we need! I was missing my Missouri guys with their pickups and plows and chains. Soon..slowly we started moving. I spun a bit... hot tires melting snow+ below freezing temps =ice...I had been inching a bit forward, keeping moving every few minutes just the slightest bit because I remembered this might happen. A Marta bus was stuck up ahead (it was not the cause of the problem- it was the cars farther up the hill that had spun out and crashed that was) the redneck guys were putting salt and sand and trying to free it. They helped the cars ahead of me that were spinning to get up the hill. I shifted into L and gunned it. I stopped halfway up and a lady was yelling at people to GO!GO!GO! Dont stop!! I worked my way around a car ahead taht was spinning and soon was clear. Big breath! Got to N. Druid Hills and cried at the stoplight. Here the road was just snowy. I shifted to 2 and slowly pressed the gas and turned. Phew, ok, Lavista...the HOME stretch! I AM GOING TO MAKE IT! slow going but just snow on this road. Turned slowly onto Briarcliff. ALMOST THERE!! Got going a bit too fast and slid past the street I wanted to turn on. Hit my brakes...ABS kicked in..I was sliding ! FUCK! Cant wreck Now. TAKE YOUR FOOT OFF THE BRAKES! a voice inside screamed. I did. Car stopped. I started shaking and crying. Oh my that was scary as hell. I slowly backed up and truned onto BriarVista Terrace- the next street over from my house.I parked in front of a friend of my landlady's house. I was shaking and crying. I paused and thanked and even kissed my little car for getting me home safely. I walked home.

Safe and sound...I made it up that driveway to my warm cozy home.

A Yama a Day...

Keeps suffering away.

Or at least thats the idea. 

In Patanjali's Yoga Sutra, there are 8 limbs of Yoga. Yamas (restraint- usually outward-how we behave in the world) and Niyamas (inner- relating to self, how we view the world) are the first two, and are the foundation for the Yogic life. I recall my teacher Yoganand telling us in YTT that they were not "Thou Shalt Not", they were more "If you follow these guidelines, your life will be easier. If you dont, you will have lots of suffering."

The Yamas are :

Ahimsa- non harming to self and others

Asteya- non-stealing

Satya- Truth- non lying

Brahmacharya- moderation- being mindful of how you spend your energy

Aparigraha- non grasping, non attachment

The Niyamas are:

Saucha- purity, cleanliness, of body and mind

Santosha- contentment

Tapas- discipline

Swadhyaya- self study, also study of scriptures

Ishvara-Pranidhana- Surrender to the Divine

Seems simple enough...

In YTT we were told to explore these ethical guidelines- to take one and spend a day, or a week studying this concept, how we apply it to our daily life, our practice, our relationships. 

I sucked at this. As a matter of fact, if you read my journal from YTT, thats about all I wrote about the Yamas and Niyamas. How much I sucked at applying them in my daily life. 

Recently while looking through my journal I decided that I had really short changed myself by spending all that time in self judgement. I hadnt learned a thing about practicing these guidelines. Basically, I hadnt done the assignment. I jokingly asked my teacher if he wanted my certificate back.

So, recalling what we did in YTT, I wrote each out on a piece of paper, folded it up and placed it in a bowl. Each day I would draw out one and spend the day exploring it, and seeing where I applied it, and where I could still use some work. I vowed to not be judgmental, to use this as a time of self discovery and growth, not another chance to beat myself into the ground.

The first day, I drew Swadhyaya. Self study- an appropriate word to begin with. That was the purpose of this exercise. To study myself, gain knowledge of myself. I spent the day studying...my reactions, my emotions, and how they felt in my body, this "hunger" I have felt recently that really isnt a hunger for food, but it manifests itself as such, and I have been eating more than usual. And gained more weight recently. I spent the day in the "Witness" just noticing myself. With compassion. 

The next day I drew Brahmacharya- moderation- being mindful of how you spend your energy. Some say this means only celibacy, but I was taught by my teachers that it includes all energy, your money, food, how you spend your time as well as your sexual energy. This one was tougher. While I still held onto the Witness, I had lots of chalana- inner or emotional churning- around money.What I spent my money on,how much I spent. Also how I yelled at the traffic, and the stoplights, time spent on Facebook, mindlessly clicking and refreshing the page. I lapsed into judgment at times, at times, yelling at myself for not doing better. Yeah, lots of stuff here. At the end of the day though, there was less judgment, and more self discovery and knowledge about my patterns. And again, compassion. Recalling what Swami Kripalu says- "We are only required to practice yama and niyama to the best of our capacity." *This* was my capacity for practicing Brahmacharya at this time in my life.

Next up was Ahimsa- non- harming to self and others. Again...and at times, surprisingly...there was compassion for myself. If the judge started, the Wise Woman said "Stop, she's doing her best. You are not allowed to bully her." And, the inner child a few times even spoke up and said "No. You are wrong. I am not horrible because I did this, or didnt do that." (yes, I have many different parts that I am in touch with) When I bought something, I stopped and thought if spending that money was harming myself, now or in the future. If what I was buying was good for me, nourishing to body or soul. As I felt compassion for myself..I found myself feeling compassion for others. Even letting people in ahead of me in traffic..and...even stopping for pedestrians entering the crosswalk. A rare occurrence for me, but something I am working on getting better at. 

Next up was Satya- truth. As I went through my day I stopped to think many times if what my mind was telling me was true. Was I truly hungry, did I really need to eat more, was my self talk true, or was it just story- the same old story Ive told about Christine for years. And if so, is that story true still?Again, compassion reigned. Very little judgment.

Next up...well..things went a bit downhill with this one. Aparigraha- non grasping, non attachment. And all my churning was again related to money. I had had 2 pet sitting clients forget to pay me before they left town. I was feeling very anxious about money (funny, just 2 days before this I had told someone I was good for money, I had enough...because that was where my head was at the moment, I have enough. But this day, it was in lack and fear) and so, I found myself grasping at every cent. Grasping at the money I didnt have-that they hadnt paid me, but owed me, and at one point I caught myself grasping and complaining about the lack of that money...while holding onto cash from a check I had just cashed...all caught up in lack, as I held $46 in my hand. I had money. I had food at home. I had gas in my car. I *had* enough. But I was grasping at what I didnt have. With this realization, came a flood of compassion for myself. For the part of me that always feels lack and fear. Even when there is plenty.

I am learning that in order to practice all of these, we must first practice Ahimsa. And have compassion for ourselves. And remember, we dont have to get it 'right" ,we just have to do it. Over and over. 

That's why they call it practice.

Move it...or lose it...

This has been on my mind a lot recently. My dad was taken to the hospital this past Sunday because he was having severe back spasms and was unable to move his legs. Tests were normal, no injuries or structural (skeletal) cause for his symptoms. According to mom the doctors said they were due to inactivity and obesity.

My dad weighs over 250 pounds. Probably closer to 300 or 350. For at least the past 10 years, he has spent much of his time sitting in his La-Z-Boy recliner/lift chair. For the past year, his activity level has greatly decreased, and a few months ago, he began to use a walker to get around. He is 75.

He has been plagued by back problems, muscle spasms, arthritis and chronic back pain for most of his life. I have seen it wear him down slowly and steadily. I recall once he and I talked about the need to keep moving (this was years before I started yoga, I think it was back when I was a nurse) and he replied "Its hard to move when all you feel is pain." I couldnt argue with that. And I can still see his point, having had some of my own struggles with pain and inactivity in the past year. Our tendency when hurting, and I believe this is animal instinct, is to stay still, to not risk reinjuring ourselves, to allow our bodies time to heal and rest. The trick is to not stay still too long.

It used to be the recommended treatment for back pain was rest. Now it is a mix of rest and gentle stretching, with a gradual return to regular activity and a focus on building core strength and good posture and body mechanics.

Doctors and physical therapists have recognized that complete bedrest only serves to weaken muscles and actually makes pain worse.

Watching my dad slowly lose his ability to do for himself, to become more and more still, frozen, stiff...it has been hard for me. And hard on him too. He has worked most of his life at very physical jobs. He was a mechanic for over 40 years, and did odd jobs as well as that, all manual labor. He also had a pretty rough childhood, emotional and physical abuse. His body, I am sure, is worn out. Add in the emotional/ energetic wear and tear, and yes, you end up with a body full of pain and a man who seems to have given up on himself.

This morning during yoga class, I started to have some shoulder and back pain. I started to check out of class, to stop following-which has been my normal routine lately- these poses dont work for my body so I'll do something else for awhile, I'll catch up later. I went into child's pose- my go-to check out pose. I breathed there a few breaths, then a voice inside said "Keep moving. Move your 45 yr old self, for your 75 yr old self. You must keep going." I visualized myself at 75. How did I want to be? I wanted to be moving, doing yoga, still active. Tears flowed. "Im going to move, for my future self. And for Dad." I reminded myself that I didnt have to become still and in pain. I didnt have to take on his pain. And I had a body that could still move quite well, though sometimes it does get a little painful to do so.

I mentally and physically reconnected with the class, with what the teacher was instructing. I began to meet whatever pain and stiffness I felt with compassion. When my pelvis wobbled and felt very out of whack and unstable in Upper Body Triangle, I went into it, and asked what do you need to feel stable? How can I help? A little engagement of inner thigh muscles and lower abdominal muscles helped. I made a vow to schedule a yoga therapy session in the next week to work on this. ( and I did after class) While attending a workshop on assisting where it was brought to my attention that in Utkatasana my hips and pelvis went way over to one side (consequently I always feel very unstable in this pose)and where I referred to my pelvis as being crooked several times, I realized, that this was just continuing the story, reinforcing the "crookedness". I vowed to stop referring to my pelvis in that way. Its just a pelvis. :-)

As we were going into Savasana, the teacher said for us to let go of anything we were telling ourselves about our practice, about our abilities, about ourselves. Just let it go.

I let go of my story that I wasnt strong because I cant hold downward dog for very long anymore. I let go of the story that my body was deformed. Crooked. I let go of the fact that twists feel very uncomfortable for me right now when I used to love them so.

I just wish I could bring that ability to let that story go to my dad.  I wish I could help him find ways to move that dont hurt. I wish I could help him see that life is worth living. I wish I knew how to give support without being pushy. Cause I really want to go there and talk to his doctors and direct his care, and find him a good PT person, and maybe a home health aide so mom doesnt have to work so much -I tried that a couple years ago and it caused a huge uproar. To say my parents are a bit stubborn is a great understatement. :-)

Feeling quite out of the loop from 700+ miles away.

I know this is part of being a 40 something with aging parents.

How to convince someone who has known mostly pain for most of his life, that he must keep moving, that he will feel better if he keeps moving, when his experience has been the opposite-moving hurts...that is a difficult task.

Yoga-It's not about the poses

My current rant...and I apologize if this offends anyone. It's just where I am right now...fueled by a bit of disillusionment and grief. And, change.

Recently I have been becoming more and more dissatisfied with the yoga classes Ive taken or observed parts of.  They seem to be more about the poses, moving our body, usually in a quick flow, with very little thought given to breath or alignment or feeling. And sometimes safety. Very little centering, mostly just move here, move here, move this, move that, faster now, ok, cool down, Savasana.

Bleh.

And sadly, these seem to be the most popular classes.

I worry Im becoming a yoga snob. And maybe I am a bit biased.

But, mostly, I think Im just realizing that for me, yoga is not just about moving my body from one pose to another. It is about going inside, into my body, feeling and breathing into my tight hamstrings (left tighter than right usually) and letting them be tight. Its about sitting and breathing on my mat, and feeling my breath go from being shallow and erratic to smooth and deep in the course of 1 hour.It is about loving my slightly crooked pelvis and learning to adjust some poses to accommodate it. Its about learning to love my sometimes wobbly Warrior as much as I love the strong steady powerful one. Its about hearing an explanation of a pose of I've been doing for 6 years now and finally truly *getting* it. It is about spending several breaths in a pose because it feels sooo good. Its about staying in Legs Up the Wall long enough for my body to fully relax and my thoughts to slow down, even just for a few seconds. Its about feeling my heart burst open and tears of gratitude flow in Supported Fish.

It is not about how fast I can do Sun Salutations. It is not about how much I sweat. It is not about being sore the next day from that "kick ass yoga class" I took.

There have been exceptions...wonderful exceptions...mainly from 2 fellow Pranakriya teachers. One a recent graduate of the Atlanta 200 hr training and the other my teacher who recently returned to leading a weekly class. Both of these classes had something the others didnt. Body awareness. Anatomical details and languaging that created a deeper and different experience. Centering, spending a few minutes at the beginning of class to allow students to *arrive* inside, instead of getting right to the movement. Inviting students to listen to their bodies, to modify or ask for help with modifications if a pose didnt work for them.Or to do what feels right, even if its a different pose than what the class is doing. Breathing with movement...breathing into the movement. Breathing into the stillness.

I crave this deeper Yoga, the Yoga I love, the Yoga that has taught me to Love myself, even the dark side of myself.

The Yoga that has taught me everything is okay, even it feels like it isnt.

Containing vs stuffing

A couple weeks ago I had a moment of feeling extremely angry at someone, and holding that anger in. Ive been working a lot with not reacting when I feel anger flare up, practicing my Yoga and breathing, and BRFWA (Breathe,Relax, Feel Watch and Allow) something my teacher William taught me. Sometimes I am successful, sometimes I do react and end up hurting others, and myself.

 In the type of Yoga I practice and teach, we talk about strengthening the container-ourselves- to contain all our energy, and the energy we raise during our sometimes intense practices. Pranakriya yoga churns you, its designed to bring up your stuff, so it can be healed. Emotions are just different forms of energy. Many times during class, and especially during YTT, strong emotions, old wounds would surface. My teachers taught how to breathe into and be with these times. Stepping back into the Witness, we can get out of the tangle of emotions, feel what we are feeling...allow ourselves to feel it, acknowledge our pain, and allow that pain to flow through and out of us.

 I can recall during YTT one of my groupmates said Yoganand and her had talked about crying, and that he said something to the effect that crying was expending the energy and that we should learn to contain it. (not his exact words- I cant recall them now almost 2 years later) I remember thinking, and saying to her that that sounded too much like stuffing emotions and that I disagreed with it.


 A couple weeks ago when having my anger flaring, I did breathe and contain it...but felt kind of like I was stuffing it. I recalled my conversation during YTT and wondered what the difference was between containing and stuffing. I know this is something I have struggled with, knowing when I am containing and when I am just stuffing, as I have done most of my life, having grown up in a house where emotions, especially anger, were not allowed to be expressed.

 I contemplated this most of the morning, and came up with these answers. YMMV :-)

 Stuffing is when you do not allow yourself to have or feel emotions. You try any way possible- sex, drugs, booze, food, TV,exercise...etc to distract yourself and numb the emotion. You view emotions as weakness, evil, or bad.

 Containing is allowing yourself to feel...but not reacting from those emotional states. Emotions come up, you notice them- "Hey, I'm feeling really angry right now". You breathe (even just for 10 seconds works!) you feel, you notice where you're feeling, what you're feeling, and maybe you even delve a bit deeper into why you're feeling what you're feeling. But you still don't react from that place.

 Containing has the element of The Witness- being able to step out of what we're feeling, all the while still feeling it, and just noticing it, noticing what is going on, in our mind, in our body, and in our heart.

 Stuffing has no Witness. There is only the Judge. Only shame at feeling what we are feeling, and blame- usually at someone else for "making" us feel that way. Total victim mentality.

 Containing is healthy. No victim here. Only a mature, responsible person in touch with themselves.

 Stuffing only hurts us, and if we stuff enough, we eventually either explode, or become so hard and numb that we dont feel *anything*.

 Especially Joy and Love.

 So grateful for this path.

Alarming compassion

Deeply affected by tonight's experience at The Gateway Center. Got a last minute call from William asking if I was available to help, or at least accompany a fellow YTTer- Hank to tonights yoga class. I had gotten off work at the acupuncture office early, so I was available, and said yes.

William was nursing a bit of a sore throat, so he was staying in, it was just Hank and myself going. We discussed on the way who was going to lead what- did I want to even lead, or just help out. I said Id like to do the opening centering and some warmups. We had 90 minutes to fill, so we divided it up 45 minutes each. I had no idea what warmups I was going to do, no real plan, other than beginning with the "Breathing in, I know I am breathing in. Breathing out, I know I am breathing out" meditation I had led Sunday in my practice teach. But deep down, I knew something would come and Id do okay. :-)

A bit of background here- The Gateway Center is a local non profit organization- which is working to end homelessness in Atlanta. From their website www.gatewayctr.org : "We are Atlanta's largest and most comprehensive provider of services to the homeless.The Gateway Center provides 254 spaces for men and 43 for women who enter into programs geared to address the underlying reasons for their homelessness, such as unemployment, addictions, mental illness or domestic abuse. The Gateway Center is filled to capacity nearly every day of the year, and frequently over 100 women and children are provided emergency overnight shelter by way of a sleeping mat on the floor of our lobby. Including those people who turn to the Gateway Center for point in time services (bathrooms and showers, laundry, clothing), we serve over 500 people every day."

Every Wednesday, William teaches a 90 minute yoga class to the homeless veterans there- they have a whole floor of the building dedicated to the vets. The men stay there up to 2 years, getting back on their feet, getting jobs, getting help with whatever they need.

When we arrived- we called the contact person to let us in. We walked to the back door of the building and were met by a staff member who opened the door. At that moment,the fire alarm started going off. Not sure if it was a drill, or a real fire, the staff person told us to please follow the others outside, and began to calmly and efficiently start to evacuate the building.

More background...at night, the lobby of the building is opened to women and children as an emergency shelter. They come in off the streets, have a meal, receive clothing, and other things they need. They lay out mats for them to sleep on at night. They are safe and off the streets for the night. I dont know what happens the next day, have only been there twice now. Tonight I actually spent time with them, instead of just glancing at them as I walked through the building. I had noticed as we were walking outside that many of the children did not have heavy coats. Some had no coat. Others, even small children had no mittens or hats or gloves. At first I thought they just didnt have time to grab them. But when we went back inside later, I did not see any by them. Standing outside, in my nice warm parka, and my nice warm fur lined hat, I realized how truly blessed I am. And I heard a voice inside me say "I have to do something. I want to do something to help them." As I stood there, I asked the angels to please wrap their wings around everyone. It was a start. Then I began to think of what I could do. How could I help. Maybe start a drive for coats and mittens and such at Jai Shanti. Still 2 weeks left before the studio closes, I could get a box together and put up signs. I could do this. No child should not have a warm coat.

After the "all clear" was given, we went back inside- again, I was impressed with the staff, only 2 women directing and controlling the people, who were a bit unruly as the time went on- it was very cold out, and many either didnt have time to grab them, or really didnt have coats or blankets or anything very warm on. As we stood in the lobby waiting for the staff to say it was okay for us to go upstairs, I looked around at the women and children getting ready to bed down for the night. There werent many blankets around. They had sheets, and a few pillows here and there. I kept coming back to the blankets. No blankets? Even inside, at night it would get cold. I could not imagine being able to sleep with just a sheet over me. On a concrete floor, on a mat just a few inches thick. Again I thought, what can I do?

We went upstairs and got the room ready for the yoga class. 5 men joined us, many of them asked questions throughout the class, about the benefits of yoga, about breathing, about alternative treatments. They were eager to learn, eager for their bodies to be more limber, for their minds to be calmer. It was a joy to hear their questions, and to share my own experiences with yoga and pain relief and many other benefits I have received in the past 4 almost 5 years of practice. Throughout the class, my mind kept returning to the lobby, those women and children with very few blankets to go around. What could I do? How could I help?

The class ended, Hank and I found someone to let us out. We spoke with him a bit about what they needed, if they had blankets- yes, but could always use more he said- what things he felt they could use. He replied "Clothing always, especially for children, hand towels and washcloths, razors, soap, coats- especially for children, hygiene products."

My mind started turning again. Picturing a box, (or boxes!!) at Jai Shanti, filled to overflowing with coats, hats, mittens, clothing, blankets and supplies to be given to the Gateway Center.

Going to put those boxes out to be filled tomorrow. :-)

Feeling very blessed.To have a warm home to come to, warm clothing, food in my belly, loved ones, and that I have a heart, which every once in awhile opens up, and asks "What can I do to help?"

On Grieving and going forth

There are 5 stages of grief, I learned in nursing school years ago, and I have been going through all of them. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/K%C3%BCbler-Ross_model (blogger's hyperlink insert thingy wasnt working)


No, I havent lost a loved one, well, not a family member...*sighs* though it does seem just as hard.

My beloved Jai Shanti- the yoga studio where I have spent much of the past 2 almost 3 years doing some major transformation is closing as of December 20th. I had felt it coming-had even made the comment twice in the past month that I was grieving what hadnt gone. In my head Jai Shanti was already gone.

Till last Tuesday it stayed just in my head. There was a possibility-in my mind- that it wouldnt really happen.Then last Tuesday William sat me down and gave me the news I had feared. That he was closing the studio. That YTT would continue till the end- wouldnt make sense to close before moneywise nor would it be very stable for us students to not have a space to call home.

Surprisingly, when he told me, I was okay with it. I knew that he had been expanding his teaching to workshops around the country and overseas and was starting another YTT and other trainings in the next year...he was wanting to move on. And I also knew the studio had been struggling to make ends meet- people just did not seem to want to come to classes, or were so sporadic in their attandance, there wasnt a very steady income. **rant warning** Fucking economy fucking Atlanta yoga people who would rather do fucking hotpowerfuckingBikrammakemyassandabslookhot yoga than get to know themselves and actually love those abs and ass just the way they are or spend time in a community filled with people who offer unconditional love and acceptance.*sighs*

Ok, not much of a rant, but thats the basic idea...and really, anger and blaming someone isnt very effective. Its not going to make William change his mind, not going to make people come to the studio, not going to keep Jai Shanti open. It will only hurt me.

And make it even harder to let go. Tuesday I was fine, I had reached acceptance, so when he told me, I was not surprised or shocked. Then, sometime Tuesday night and Wednesday morning reality set in. And I moved into the depression phase of grief. I also think there should be a fear phase, cuz thats where Ive been. Where will I go, what will I do, who will I still see? My friends and support system are mostly people I met at Jai Shanti. Will they disappear when it closes? Where will I go to practice yoga, where will I feel safe enough to spend 20 minutes in childs pose crying my sadness out because thats what my body and heart need at that moment? Where will I dance? Where will I play? What will my life be like without Jai Shanti in it?

I have had moments of courage- that this is a chance for me to take the lessons I have learned there into the world- or at least my world- and give that same unconditional love and acceptance to my students and others. To teach others to love and accept themselves as I have learned to do during my time at Jai Shanti. A chance to take the Light of Jai Shanti into the world.

But then the fear returns. The largeness of the hole I feel will be left when Jai Shanti is no longer in my life seems as wide and deep as the Grand Canyon.

And I am scared of falling over the edge.