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Thursday, October 16, 2008
Damn Mountain!!
This is the image I see. I am looking down...then...I slip...and looking up at the people with me...all I can do is say goodbye...
as I fall..down..down...down...
I dont land...I always stop the image before I hit the ground.
I have tried seeing myself flying instead of falling as a therapist once told me...but the "PEOPLE CANT FLY!" negative faerie pops up and yells at me till that image gets taken away.
I am not scared of heights. Or at least I never thought I was. I dont think thats it. It feels...when I *do* spend time with this fear...that its more of a control thing...that once I slip..I can do nothing to save myself.I cant grab onto a rope or tree or anything. I am left to just fall..into the air..to my death. I cant save myself...and no one else can either.
I am planning to go back to this damn mountain...and climb to that spot I sat and was scared of slipping...and tell it I am no longer scared...and then go beyond it to the top of the mountain.
And breathe in the amazing fresh air...and laugh at my fears...and cry tears of joy and feel empowered because I have conquered yet another fear.
Tuesday, October 14, 2008
Sunday, October 12, 2008
Sunday, October 5, 2008
Saturday, October 4, 2008
Instant Karma
Had a conversation in my head awhile ago (I hope others have conversations in their head...its so much fun, Id hate to be the only one! LOL) about Karma and retribution.
The other night, after a long day...I had just sat down to eat when my cell rang, I looked at the number, it was the pet sitter Ive helped out many times who is sometimes a pain in the ass and makes me feel guilty...no..rephrasing..*I* let her make me feel guilty if I have to say no, I cant help you this time. Anyways...I had already helped her out that day, she called at 9:30 the night before to say "Her daughter was having surgery and she had thought it was only gonna be an hour or so surgery, but no, its gonna be a couple hours and could I please just do one visit for her?" As it was the easiest visit of all, letting a dog out in the yard and then giving him a treat and water and petting...and hes a sweetie..I said yes. It was also on my way to another visit I had, so not a problem.
So..she is on my phone...I let it go to voicemail because I didnt want to talk to her at that moment and I was trying to eat at 7:30 at night. I listened to her voicemail after a few minutes. She said in this pitiful voice that she had spent all day at the hospital and had taken her husband to the doctor too (she knew he had to go the night before when she called me) and she was "just sick" and wanted me to go do 2 visits for her that night (at 7:30) because she was just so sick. The visits were with dogs I had never done...I would have to drive to her house to get the keys...then to the houses...not get home till at least 10 prolly...I still had laundry to do..and our cable was out at home so needed to call about that...not to mention I was tired and just wanted to relax. So...after throwing a bit of a hissyfit (ok, a big one)...and deciding I wasnt going to call her back under any circumstances, she was gonna have to take care of this shit herself...Im tired of her poor planning and not taking care of herself and figuring out what she can do and what she cant..and always calling me when she gets overwhelmed.
*sighs*
Anyways, I didnt call her back..she called me after 15 minutes and said she would go ahead and do teh visits herself and that she might need my help in the morning because she was just so sick. I told myself, um, no..I have 2 houses to clean tomorrow plus a couple of my own visits that I have to juggle around because the people ahve asked for a specific time which doesnt jive with the cleaning appointments..so NO...I CANT HELP YOU!
Then the guilt started...shes in her 70's...she has been treated for bladder cancer, has finished chemo and radiation...and had been doing good, getting back into the swing of working and such. She has a disabled husband who she takes care of too...would it REALLY kill me to help her out?? But then the bitch started...she (the lady) always calls me when shes gotten herself overwhelmed, Im supposed to bail her out because she doesnt know how to say no and ask for help and take care of herself because shes a damn codependent just like me...and why is any of this *MY* fucking problem?? Back and forth it went...till I was in tears, hating myself for not helping...but at the same time not wanting to because I was tired myself and know that I have trouble saying no too and end up getting sick too when I overextend myself.
So...back to the karma thing. This morning I got a call from the people whod booked a couple overnights next weekend, saying their plans had changed and they had to cancel. Great...so here it comes..my punishment for not helping and being selfish...then it hit me. Why is *my* karma instant..and serial killers and OJ Simpson and such have to wait years before "getting theirs"?? What makes *ME* so horrible that I am punished almost instantly for little infractions and bits of selfishness...and they do MUCH more horrible things and dont get anything done till they go to prison or even till they die??
OK..off to clean yet another house then go have some fun tonight :)
The other night, after a long day...I had just sat down to eat when my cell rang, I looked at the number, it was the pet sitter Ive helped out many times who is sometimes a pain in the ass and makes me feel guilty...no..rephrasing..*I* let her make me feel guilty if I have to say no, I cant help you this time. Anyways...I had already helped her out that day, she called at 9:30 the night before to say "Her daughter was having surgery and she had thought it was only gonna be an hour or so surgery, but no, its gonna be a couple hours and could I please just do one visit for her?" As it was the easiest visit of all, letting a dog out in the yard and then giving him a treat and water and petting...and hes a sweetie..I said yes. It was also on my way to another visit I had, so not a problem.
So..she is on my phone...I let it go to voicemail because I didnt want to talk to her at that moment and I was trying to eat at 7:30 at night. I listened to her voicemail after a few minutes. She said in this pitiful voice that she had spent all day at the hospital and had taken her husband to the doctor too (she knew he had to go the night before when she called me) and she was "just sick" and wanted me to go do 2 visits for her that night (at 7:30) because she was just so sick. The visits were with dogs I had never done...I would have to drive to her house to get the keys...then to the houses...not get home till at least 10 prolly...I still had laundry to do..and our cable was out at home so needed to call about that...not to mention I was tired and just wanted to relax. So...after throwing a bit of a hissyfit (ok, a big one)...and deciding I wasnt going to call her back under any circumstances, she was gonna have to take care of this shit herself...Im tired of her poor planning and not taking care of herself and figuring out what she can do and what she cant..and always calling me when she gets overwhelmed.
*sighs*
Anyways, I didnt call her back..she called me after 15 minutes and said she would go ahead and do teh visits herself and that she might need my help in the morning because she was just so sick. I told myself, um, no..I have 2 houses to clean tomorrow plus a couple of my own visits that I have to juggle around because the people ahve asked for a specific time which doesnt jive with the cleaning appointments..so NO...I CANT HELP YOU!
Then the guilt started...shes in her 70's...she has been treated for bladder cancer, has finished chemo and radiation...and had been doing good, getting back into the swing of working and such. She has a disabled husband who she takes care of too...would it REALLY kill me to help her out?? But then the bitch started...she (the lady) always calls me when shes gotten herself overwhelmed, Im supposed to bail her out because she doesnt know how to say no and ask for help and take care of herself because shes a damn codependent just like me...and why is any of this *MY* fucking problem?? Back and forth it went...till I was in tears, hating myself for not helping...but at the same time not wanting to because I was tired myself and know that I have trouble saying no too and end up getting sick too when I overextend myself.
So...back to the karma thing. This morning I got a call from the people whod booked a couple overnights next weekend, saying their plans had changed and they had to cancel. Great...so here it comes..my punishment for not helping and being selfish...then it hit me. Why is *my* karma instant..and serial killers and OJ Simpson and such have to wait years before "getting theirs"?? What makes *ME* so horrible that I am punished almost instantly for little infractions and bits of selfishness...and they do MUCH more horrible things and dont get anything done till they go to prison or even till they die??
OK..off to clean yet another house then go have some fun tonight :)
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