A Yama a Day...

Keeps suffering away.

Or at least thats the idea. 

In Patanjali's Yoga Sutra, there are 8 limbs of Yoga. Yamas (restraint- usually outward-how we behave in the world) and Niyamas (inner- relating to self, how we view the world) are the first two, and are the foundation for the Yogic life. I recall my teacher Yoganand telling us in YTT that they were not "Thou Shalt Not", they were more "If you follow these guidelines, your life will be easier. If you dont, you will have lots of suffering."

The Yamas are :

Ahimsa- non harming to self and others

Asteya- non-stealing

Satya- Truth- non lying

Brahmacharya- moderation- being mindful of how you spend your energy

Aparigraha- non grasping, non attachment

The Niyamas are:

Saucha- purity, cleanliness, of body and mind

Santosha- contentment

Tapas- discipline

Swadhyaya- self study, also study of scriptures

Ishvara-Pranidhana- Surrender to the Divine

Seems simple enough...

In YTT we were told to explore these ethical guidelines- to take one and spend a day, or a week studying this concept, how we apply it to our daily life, our practice, our relationships. 

I sucked at this. As a matter of fact, if you read my journal from YTT, thats about all I wrote about the Yamas and Niyamas. How much I sucked at applying them in my daily life. 

Recently while looking through my journal I decided that I had really short changed myself by spending all that time in self judgement. I hadnt learned a thing about practicing these guidelines. Basically, I hadnt done the assignment. I jokingly asked my teacher if he wanted my certificate back.

So, recalling what we did in YTT, I wrote each out on a piece of paper, folded it up and placed it in a bowl. Each day I would draw out one and spend the day exploring it, and seeing where I applied it, and where I could still use some work. I vowed to not be judgmental, to use this as a time of self discovery and growth, not another chance to beat myself into the ground.

The first day, I drew Swadhyaya. Self study- an appropriate word to begin with. That was the purpose of this exercise. To study myself, gain knowledge of myself. I spent the day studying...my reactions, my emotions, and how they felt in my body, this "hunger" I have felt recently that really isnt a hunger for food, but it manifests itself as such, and I have been eating more than usual. And gained more weight recently. I spent the day in the "Witness" just noticing myself. With compassion. 

The next day I drew Brahmacharya- moderation- being mindful of how you spend your energy. Some say this means only celibacy, but I was taught by my teachers that it includes all energy, your money, food, how you spend your time as well as your sexual energy. This one was tougher. While I still held onto the Witness, I had lots of chalana- inner or emotional churning- around money.What I spent my money on,how much I spent. Also how I yelled at the traffic, and the stoplights, time spent on Facebook, mindlessly clicking and refreshing the page. I lapsed into judgment at times, at times, yelling at myself for not doing better. Yeah, lots of stuff here. At the end of the day though, there was less judgment, and more self discovery and knowledge about my patterns. And again, compassion. Recalling what Swami Kripalu says- "We are only required to practice yama and niyama to the best of our capacity." *This* was my capacity for practicing Brahmacharya at this time in my life.

Next up was Ahimsa- non- harming to self and others. Again...and at times, surprisingly...there was compassion for myself. If the judge started, the Wise Woman said "Stop, she's doing her best. You are not allowed to bully her." And, the inner child a few times even spoke up and said "No. You are wrong. I am not horrible because I did this, or didnt do that." (yes, I have many different parts that I am in touch with) When I bought something, I stopped and thought if spending that money was harming myself, now or in the future. If what I was buying was good for me, nourishing to body or soul. As I felt compassion for myself..I found myself feeling compassion for others. Even letting people in ahead of me in traffic..and...even stopping for pedestrians entering the crosswalk. A rare occurrence for me, but something I am working on getting better at. 

Next up was Satya- truth. As I went through my day I stopped to think many times if what my mind was telling me was true. Was I truly hungry, did I really need to eat more, was my self talk true, or was it just story- the same old story Ive told about Christine for years. And if so, is that story true still?Again, compassion reigned. Very little judgment.

Next up...well..things went a bit downhill with this one. Aparigraha- non grasping, non attachment. And all my churning was again related to money. I had had 2 pet sitting clients forget to pay me before they left town. I was feeling very anxious about money (funny, just 2 days before this I had told someone I was good for money, I had enough...because that was where my head was at the moment, I have enough. But this day, it was in lack and fear) and so, I found myself grasping at every cent. Grasping at the money I didnt have-that they hadnt paid me, but owed me, and at one point I caught myself grasping and complaining about the lack of that money...while holding onto cash from a check I had just cashed...all caught up in lack, as I held $46 in my hand. I had money. I had food at home. I had gas in my car. I *had* enough. But I was grasping at what I didnt have. With this realization, came a flood of compassion for myself. For the part of me that always feels lack and fear. Even when there is plenty.

I am learning that in order to practice all of these, we must first practice Ahimsa. And have compassion for ourselves. And remember, we dont have to get it 'right" ,we just have to do it. Over and over. 

That's why they call it practice.

Move it...or lose it...

This has been on my mind a lot recently. My dad was taken to the hospital this past Sunday because he was having severe back spasms and was unable to move his legs. Tests were normal, no injuries or structural (skeletal) cause for his symptoms. According to mom the doctors said they were due to inactivity and obesity.

My dad weighs over 250 pounds. Probably closer to 300 or 350. For at least the past 10 years, he has spent much of his time sitting in his La-Z-Boy recliner/lift chair. For the past year, his activity level has greatly decreased, and a few months ago, he began to use a walker to get around. He is 75.

He has been plagued by back problems, muscle spasms, arthritis and chronic back pain for most of his life. I have seen it wear him down slowly and steadily. I recall once he and I talked about the need to keep moving (this was years before I started yoga, I think it was back when I was a nurse) and he replied "Its hard to move when all you feel is pain." I couldnt argue with that. And I can still see his point, having had some of my own struggles with pain and inactivity in the past year. Our tendency when hurting, and I believe this is animal instinct, is to stay still, to not risk reinjuring ourselves, to allow our bodies time to heal and rest. The trick is to not stay still too long.

It used to be the recommended treatment for back pain was rest. Now it is a mix of rest and gentle stretching, with a gradual return to regular activity and a focus on building core strength and good posture and body mechanics.

Doctors and physical therapists have recognized that complete bedrest only serves to weaken muscles and actually makes pain worse.

Watching my dad slowly lose his ability to do for himself, to become more and more still, frozen, stiff...it has been hard for me. And hard on him too. He has worked most of his life at very physical jobs. He was a mechanic for over 40 years, and did odd jobs as well as that, all manual labor. He also had a pretty rough childhood, emotional and physical abuse. His body, I am sure, is worn out. Add in the emotional/ energetic wear and tear, and yes, you end up with a body full of pain and a man who seems to have given up on himself.

This morning during yoga class, I started to have some shoulder and back pain. I started to check out of class, to stop following-which has been my normal routine lately- these poses dont work for my body so I'll do something else for awhile, I'll catch up later. I went into child's pose- my go-to check out pose. I breathed there a few breaths, then a voice inside said "Keep moving. Move your 45 yr old self, for your 75 yr old self. You must keep going." I visualized myself at 75. How did I want to be? I wanted to be moving, doing yoga, still active. Tears flowed. "Im going to move, for my future self. And for Dad." I reminded myself that I didnt have to become still and in pain. I didnt have to take on his pain. And I had a body that could still move quite well, though sometimes it does get a little painful to do so.

I mentally and physically reconnected with the class, with what the teacher was instructing. I began to meet whatever pain and stiffness I felt with compassion. When my pelvis wobbled and felt very out of whack and unstable in Upper Body Triangle, I went into it, and asked what do you need to feel stable? How can I help? A little engagement of inner thigh muscles and lower abdominal muscles helped. I made a vow to schedule a yoga therapy session in the next week to work on this. ( and I did after class) While attending a workshop on assisting where it was brought to my attention that in Utkatasana my hips and pelvis went way over to one side (consequently I always feel very unstable in this pose)and where I referred to my pelvis as being crooked several times, I realized, that this was just continuing the story, reinforcing the "crookedness". I vowed to stop referring to my pelvis in that way. Its just a pelvis. :-)

As we were going into Savasana, the teacher said for us to let go of anything we were telling ourselves about our practice, about our abilities, about ourselves. Just let it go.

I let go of my story that I wasnt strong because I cant hold downward dog for very long anymore. I let go of the story that my body was deformed. Crooked. I let go of the fact that twists feel very uncomfortable for me right now when I used to love them so.

I just wish I could bring that ability to let that story go to my dad.  I wish I could help him find ways to move that dont hurt. I wish I could help him see that life is worth living. I wish I knew how to give support without being pushy. Cause I really want to go there and talk to his doctors and direct his care, and find him a good PT person, and maybe a home health aide so mom doesnt have to work so much -I tried that a couple years ago and it caused a huge uproar. To say my parents are a bit stubborn is a great understatement. :-)

Feeling quite out of the loop from 700+ miles away.

I know this is part of being a 40 something with aging parents.

How to convince someone who has known mostly pain for most of his life, that he must keep moving, that he will feel better if he keeps moving, when his experience has been the opposite-moving hurts...that is a difficult task.

Yoga-It's not about the poses

My current rant...and I apologize if this offends anyone. It's just where I am right now...fueled by a bit of disillusionment and grief. And, change.

Recently I have been becoming more and more dissatisfied with the yoga classes Ive taken or observed parts of.  They seem to be more about the poses, moving our body, usually in a quick flow, with very little thought given to breath or alignment or feeling. And sometimes safety. Very little centering, mostly just move here, move here, move this, move that, faster now, ok, cool down, Savasana.

Bleh.

And sadly, these seem to be the most popular classes.

I worry Im becoming a yoga snob. And maybe I am a bit biased.

But, mostly, I think Im just realizing that for me, yoga is not just about moving my body from one pose to another. It is about going inside, into my body, feeling and breathing into my tight hamstrings (left tighter than right usually) and letting them be tight. Its about sitting and breathing on my mat, and feeling my breath go from being shallow and erratic to smooth and deep in the course of 1 hour.It is about loving my slightly crooked pelvis and learning to adjust some poses to accommodate it. Its about learning to love my sometimes wobbly Warrior as much as I love the strong steady powerful one. Its about hearing an explanation of a pose of I've been doing for 6 years now and finally truly *getting* it. It is about spending several breaths in a pose because it feels sooo good. Its about staying in Legs Up the Wall long enough for my body to fully relax and my thoughts to slow down, even just for a few seconds. Its about feeling my heart burst open and tears of gratitude flow in Supported Fish.

It is not about how fast I can do Sun Salutations. It is not about how much I sweat. It is not about being sore the next day from that "kick ass yoga class" I took.

There have been exceptions...wonderful exceptions...mainly from 2 fellow Pranakriya teachers. One a recent graduate of the Atlanta 200 hr training and the other my teacher who recently returned to leading a weekly class. Both of these classes had something the others didnt. Body awareness. Anatomical details and languaging that created a deeper and different experience. Centering, spending a few minutes at the beginning of class to allow students to *arrive* inside, instead of getting right to the movement. Inviting students to listen to their bodies, to modify or ask for help with modifications if a pose didnt work for them.Or to do what feels right, even if its a different pose than what the class is doing. Breathing with movement...breathing into the movement. Breathing into the stillness.

I crave this deeper Yoga, the Yoga I love, the Yoga that has taught me to Love myself, even the dark side of myself.

The Yoga that has taught me everything is okay, even it feels like it isnt.

Containing vs stuffing

A couple weeks ago I had a moment of feeling extremely angry at someone, and holding that anger in. Ive been working a lot with not reacting when I feel anger flare up, practicing my Yoga and breathing, and BRFWA (Breathe,Relax, Feel Watch and Allow) something my teacher William taught me. Sometimes I am successful, sometimes I do react and end up hurting others, and myself.

 In the type of Yoga I practice and teach, we talk about strengthening the container-ourselves- to contain all our energy, and the energy we raise during our sometimes intense practices. Pranakriya yoga churns you, its designed to bring up your stuff, so it can be healed. Emotions are just different forms of energy. Many times during class, and especially during YTT, strong emotions, old wounds would surface. My teachers taught how to breathe into and be with these times. Stepping back into the Witness, we can get out of the tangle of emotions, feel what we are feeling...allow ourselves to feel it, acknowledge our pain, and allow that pain to flow through and out of us.

 I can recall during YTT one of my groupmates said Yoganand and her had talked about crying, and that he said something to the effect that crying was expending the energy and that we should learn to contain it. (not his exact words- I cant recall them now almost 2 years later) I remember thinking, and saying to her that that sounded too much like stuffing emotions and that I disagreed with it.


 A couple weeks ago when having my anger flaring, I did breathe and contain it...but felt kind of like I was stuffing it. I recalled my conversation during YTT and wondered what the difference was between containing and stuffing. I know this is something I have struggled with, knowing when I am containing and when I am just stuffing, as I have done most of my life, having grown up in a house where emotions, especially anger, were not allowed to be expressed.

 I contemplated this most of the morning, and came up with these answers. YMMV :-)

 Stuffing is when you do not allow yourself to have or feel emotions. You try any way possible- sex, drugs, booze, food, TV,exercise...etc to distract yourself and numb the emotion. You view emotions as weakness, evil, or bad.

 Containing is allowing yourself to feel...but not reacting from those emotional states. Emotions come up, you notice them- "Hey, I'm feeling really angry right now". You breathe (even just for 10 seconds works!) you feel, you notice where you're feeling, what you're feeling, and maybe you even delve a bit deeper into why you're feeling what you're feeling. But you still don't react from that place.

 Containing has the element of The Witness- being able to step out of what we're feeling, all the while still feeling it, and just noticing it, noticing what is going on, in our mind, in our body, and in our heart.

 Stuffing has no Witness. There is only the Judge. Only shame at feeling what we are feeling, and blame- usually at someone else for "making" us feel that way. Total victim mentality.

 Containing is healthy. No victim here. Only a mature, responsible person in touch with themselves.

 Stuffing only hurts us, and if we stuff enough, we eventually either explode, or become so hard and numb that we dont feel *anything*.

 Especially Joy and Love.

 So grateful for this path.