On Grieving and going forth

There are 5 stages of grief, I learned in nursing school years ago, and I have been going through all of them. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/K%C3%BCbler-Ross_model (blogger's hyperlink insert thingy wasnt working)


No, I havent lost a loved one, well, not a family member...*sighs* though it does seem just as hard.

My beloved Jai Shanti- the yoga studio where I have spent much of the past 2 almost 3 years doing some major transformation is closing as of December 20th. I had felt it coming-had even made the comment twice in the past month that I was grieving what hadnt gone. In my head Jai Shanti was already gone.

Till last Tuesday it stayed just in my head. There was a possibility-in my mind- that it wouldnt really happen.Then last Tuesday William sat me down and gave me the news I had feared. That he was closing the studio. That YTT would continue till the end- wouldnt make sense to close before moneywise nor would it be very stable for us students to not have a space to call home.

Surprisingly, when he told me, I was okay with it. I knew that he had been expanding his teaching to workshops around the country and overseas and was starting another YTT and other trainings in the next year...he was wanting to move on. And I also knew the studio had been struggling to make ends meet- people just did not seem to want to come to classes, or were so sporadic in their attandance, there wasnt a very steady income. **rant warning** Fucking economy fucking Atlanta yoga people who would rather do fucking hotpowerfuckingBikrammakemyassandabslookhot yoga than get to know themselves and actually love those abs and ass just the way they are or spend time in a community filled with people who offer unconditional love and acceptance.*sighs*

Ok, not much of a rant, but thats the basic idea...and really, anger and blaming someone isnt very effective. Its not going to make William change his mind, not going to make people come to the studio, not going to keep Jai Shanti open. It will only hurt me.

And make it even harder to let go. Tuesday I was fine, I had reached acceptance, so when he told me, I was not surprised or shocked. Then, sometime Tuesday night and Wednesday morning reality set in. And I moved into the depression phase of grief. I also think there should be a fear phase, cuz thats where Ive been. Where will I go, what will I do, who will I still see? My friends and support system are mostly people I met at Jai Shanti. Will they disappear when it closes? Where will I go to practice yoga, where will I feel safe enough to spend 20 minutes in childs pose crying my sadness out because thats what my body and heart need at that moment? Where will I dance? Where will I play? What will my life be like without Jai Shanti in it?

I have had moments of courage- that this is a chance for me to take the lessons I have learned there into the world- or at least my world- and give that same unconditional love and acceptance to my students and others. To teach others to love and accept themselves as I have learned to do during my time at Jai Shanti. A chance to take the Light of Jai Shanti into the world.

But then the fear returns. The largeness of the hole I feel will be left when Jai Shanti is no longer in my life seems as wide and deep as the Grand Canyon.

And I am scared of falling over the edge.

The Journey to YTT

4 years ago (about the time I last posted in here, it seems...lol) I started practicing yoga. I went with a friend to this gentle class led by a physical therapist and yoga teacher. I had just quit smoking and wanted something to help me deal with the stress of nicotine withdrawal.

The first class I was amazed at what I could do, me, an out of shape, overweight, just recently quit smoking person who would go for short walks, but otherwise hadn't exercised in years. After the class,I felt both relaxed and energized- 2 things I could not recall EVER feeling together. I wanted more. A few classes alter, I made the comment to my teacher that someday I wanted to teach this to others because it was such an amazing experience.

Well, someday has arrived. The seed was planted back in 2007, began to germinate in 2009 when I came to Jai Shanti and met some amazing people who were in the training that year, as well as William (formerly known as Bill or Mr Bill on here)the owner. Earlier this year the seed sprouted. In January I wrote in my journal "Im really feeling drawn to YTT this year. Im feeling stronger than I ever have in my body and mind. I think its time. I see 2 obstacles to this happening. Money-how will I pay for it? And my fear of expressing myself in front of others."

Both those things were resolved 5 months later. The way to pay came, and along the way I learned that I *can* discipline myself and do what I need to do to achieve a goal. And that I can *set* goals. Something I really hadnt done ever before in my life.

I participated in a project/presentation at Jai Shanti called The Unity Project. It was designed around celebrating the Summer Solstice and the Divine Feminine. We all developed over 8 weeks personal stories, poems, skits, songs which showed our interpretation/interaction with the Divine Feminine in our lives. I wrote a poem "The Woman I am" At first- and for the first 3 weeks, I had nothing to share, I wasnt sure I belonged in the group-everyone else seemed so much more experessive than me, some worked in theater, some sang in choirs, otehrs were just way more outgoing. How could I- who could hardly find the courage to ask for what she needed from the world, stand up in front of these people and tell her story- which I hadnt even written yet? Then I watched this video

Wow. The ending was what got to me. The girl owning her emotions, letting the world see- no- DEMANDING the world allow her to express them. It is what makes girls girls. What make sus humans, as opposed to objects or property. I was inspired to rewrite a poem I had written "The Woman I Am". Over the next 3 weeks, this poem evolved...it wrote me...I was awakened at 4 am with words that just HAD to be written. I felt possessed by someone, something else. This is the result:

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The Woman I Am

I am a woman who is facing her fears and choosing to not let them overpower her

I am a woman who stands on her own 2 feet, and is learning to stand on her hands

I am a woman who believes in angels and calls on them regularly for help, for myself and others

I am a woman who talks to the animals, trees, sun, moon, creeks and rivers and listens for their answers and lessons

I am a woman who howls at the moon, and knows the moon smiles and howls back

I am a woman who is healing her wounded inner child, and discovering the Goddess within

I am a woman who dances around a bonfire, letting the drums awaken and enliven her body

I am a woman who wishes she could wrap her arms around the world and give it a big warm hug. And sometimes I try

I am a woman who plays the tambourine and dances like nobody’s watching. And sometimes like everybody's watching!

I am a woman who is working to forgive and heal her past, and in doing so, is healing her future

I am a woman who is inspired by other Divine Feminine beings in my life. My 4 yr old artist friend who paints purple suns and blue sharks swimming in the sky. A 42 yr old curvy yogini who reminds me to giggle and to breathe into the goodness I am. A 20 something pop star who tells me I am a Firework and encourages me to let my colors burst.Another who tells me I am perfect. A 50 yr old single mother who has lived all over the world, who inspires me to live and express myself more fully because it really doesn’t matter what anybody else thinks. My 72 yr old mother who could bear no children of her own, but sacrificed much to raise those of others, who taught me about cooking and coupons and stretching my food dollar. And all the yoga teachers who have touched my life, who remind me to breathe and who have helped me to see that I am strong, beautiful and can do more than I think I can.


I am a woman who cries, because I am happy, sad, angry, anxious, grateful, releasing some past hurt, or because the sky is so beautifully blue, the sunrise so breathtaking, or the moon so big and bright. Or a million other reasons. And I love those tears.

I am a woman who is choosing to be happy. Because she has grown tired of being sad

I am a woman who is discovering who she is, and who she is not

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Writing that poem was an affirmation of me. Standing in that room, in front of those people, saying- this is me. Baring my heart and soul to them, to the Universe, and saying, this is me, and I dont care what you think...wow. So empowering.

I found my voice...

The money had come...

I had turned in my application...

It was happening...it was *all* happening...